Today marks our little angel's 9th. My heart is still aching for losing him. It's aching for I know how painful it is for my sisters and mamu who've been taking care of him since day 1. It's aching because I can't imagine how sister A is surviving each day. The suddenness of what had transpire in our family is too much to bear. I haven't totally mourn for his loss because I know the people he had left behind needed me to be strong for them. My bereavement is focus on uplifting their already dampen spirits. But I'm not strong. And I haven't accepted the fact that he's gone. But I don't want my family to know that. I have to show them that life goes on, even if I, myself believe, that it will stop eventually, at least for a while.
Of course all of us believe that GOD has reasons why certain things happen but I want to know why. My heart is filled with questions that I know won't be answered by anyone or anything except GOD. I am accepting the fact that a little angel has to be taken away from us because he was not ours in the first place. He was only loaned to us from above. But I want to know why he was lend to us and be taken away only after 2 months? Please don't judge me or be mad at me for asking questions. I know and I believe that only you have the power to give and take things rightfully. I'm only asking now to let me try to understand why so I can fully give my strength to them.
I'm sorry Baby Nathan. I hope I'm not making you worry too much about us down here. I know you're playing now happily in heaven. No more 24/7 tummy ache. We missed you so much. And I know your mom and mamu and mama kris and mama kendz and ate ayesha and daddy do a lot more than I do. Please help to ask Papa Jesus to heal their aching hearts. Your mom is a strong person - way too strong to go through a lot of things in life that I know I can't handle. But even superman gets weak with the kryptonite. So I'm hoping that this kryptonite moment of her life will eventually pass.
I love you sweet angel. Thank you for letting me hold you for few days. Thank you for waking me up on that few days to sing you to sleep and touch your tummy so it won't hurt. Thank you for holding on to my thumb when i touched your hands. Thank you for letting me feel the warmth of your small frail body. I wish it wasn't that soon but some things has to be done. Please keep on guiding your mom and dad so they will continue to go on with their lives and make things right. Please keep on guiding your tita's and lola so they will be able to accept that it is not their fault why we lost you. Please keep on guiding your ate ayesha so she won't cry and hold on to your picture till she gets older although keeping the memory of you will make her stronger. Please keep on guiding me so I will find my way to my why's.
After office, I went to Novena church to at least pray for Baby Nathan. I didn’t know that it will be a place for me to relieve some of the heavy burden in my heart. I guess the prayers we asked our friends are more for me and my family especially sister A than Baby Nathan. Maybe because we all know that he is in heaven now.
No comments:
Post a Comment