I am part of that statistic of fatherless children. I am not proud of it nor ashamed of it now that im positioned in the middle part of my life. I'm grateful for the epidural that made me somehow forget some of those details in my life that no one ever wanted to remember. Though I can't say the pain and all that entails with that moment in our life isn't felt.
I don't remember how much I cried and long for a father figure. But I do remember being an adult prematurely. I have to be the one responsible, to be the best in school, to work harder even if my body and mind are tired, to not fall in love and have some fun like normal kids have so I will not have any diversion towards my mom's goal for me. I didn’t complain because me and my mom have the same goal. And I love her for that push that she gave me because honestly without it, I will be nowhere near what we wanted for our family.
But I have always this feeling - like a shadow, in my journey to life that something is not complete. So to those who always say "you'll get over it", please don't. There is no stage in life that you can "get over" of not having a father. It wasn't easy, but we all did ok getting out of the deep mud. It was 31 years of struggle for me building myself as a ship to my younger siblings. All thanks to God who brought us help who holds the oar for us to move forward whenever we felt tired and on the verge of giving up.
And then 15 years later, you suddenly show yourself asking for forgiveness through social media. We are not gonna deny you of what you are asking from us. We won't let you suffer going through this heartache because we were not brought up that way. This is not how we repay GOD for helping us find our way through all that pain. Mommy on the other hand is a different story. She deserve to decide on her own terms when she can give that forgiveness.
So I decided to write you a letter not to make you feel more guilty but to give you a summary of all that 30 years of our life but mostly mine. You have our gratitude for bringing us to this world but please acknowledge the hardwork that Mommy did for us.
