Away from the sun

She sits by the window as the music serenes her inner being. Time moves slowly... Back into the time where she listens to the same old song, sitting in a chair, reading emails, chatting with him... She smiles... She remember how it used to be... How she often see his eyes filled with love and compassion and longing. How every single minute matters. How everything around them is a field of roses with a little rays from the sun. And then she wokes up from reminiscin facing what was hers now. Years have gone by. Things around them changes. Love stronger. Miles away from where everything started. Meeting other people by chance. Some of them just pass by, some stays. She crawl back into the bed not wanting to wake the peace of his sleep. She looked at him. She lightly kiss him in the forehead bidding him goodnight. But she lays there wide awake. Thinking... Of how it all used to be. Of the difference of the NEW and the OLD. Of how people, no matter what age, enjoys things, relationship, food, adventure, places, toys, whatever it is, NEW makes people happy. The eyes, that they say is the window to thy soul, is burning with desire, with longing, with hope that it'll never go away. That it'll stay forever. But when it does, the compassion slowly ebbs away. It slowly creeps into that pile of their everyday life. Their monotonous life. She wants the OLD thing to go back. She thought how life would be better if she see how love grew stronger with the OLD ways still adhering. One has to go on living the life of how it should be not the way one want it to be. She miss the OLD life. She miss seeing the colours around her. She hates being snared in an insipid world. She wanted to run... Away from the light the sun brings.... Away from NEW... Back to OLD...

Im too sad tonight =(

It was a long story and I'll be blogging about it maybe next week when my anger and sadness subsides. I've been calling my sister apple and she's been cancelling my calls, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I dont know the reason but maybe she doesn't want to get scolded or being asked of how she left our youngest home alone. It really saddens me thinking of how much sacrifice you've made to certain people in your life especially those you love the most and all you got is this... I don't wanna brag about how much helped I've given them and Im not asking much from them. All I want is respect and a little appreciation of what I am in their life. If they can do this to me, how much more to our mom? Heartaches brought by friends and guys I've been in love with is nothing compared to what Im dealing now. I've tried every ways I can just to reach out to them but to no avail. I feel like I dont matter at all to them. I hope GOD will help me to make them understand what life really is. And what Ohana is all about. =(

Game Over

Big leap. Huge event. Life's waiting time is over. Reached the limit. No time to grieve. Wounds are healed. Heart's revealed. It seems forever to be in the dark. The sun is out. Light over my head. Smile on the face. Bliss is here. Finally over. All it takes is just a call. Divulge the monstrocity the feelings swathe. Fondness gone, revolting self revealed. Delighted it's over. Moving on.

I remember you

it only takes few things.... one song, a sweet scent of a familiar perfume, a place, a casual mention of the name... to remember someone... to remember you...

Sensitivity

it's that time again to crawl back in the cocoon that wraps me and keeps me away from the outside world where people hurt me. I don't want to live my life getting used to what others want from me. I want to live it the way I wanted it. im always aware of what other may think and what others may feel from all the things i do but none of them do the same thing for me. im that someone who needs care and attention. im that someone who also needs a friend. im that someone who also needs a shoulder to cry on. im that someone who's also human. feels everything that you do. hears everything that you heard. insensitivity is not something you have to be proud of. you've hurt someone and it's just to mend someone's broken heart especially when it's you who have caused it. dont justify something by saying it's who you are. never closes a door when someone offers a help. they never meant to interfere in your life. its simple and its pure offering bec they care about you. dont play with someone when heart's vulnerable. the more you tried to lighten up the conversation the more you press on the wound. be sensitive enough when one's already suffering and make a difference by offering a help but never make fun out of other people's feelings. people who cried in anguish are sensitive and they need someone to be there for them. not someone who'll walk away from them when all they ask is a shoulder to cry on. never think only of what you feel but consider others too. you may not know when you have caused a turmoil and broken somebody's heart.

i know... im being sentimental again... but it's my turf. and it's my right...

The real me

Some people may not comprehend me. Some have troubles getting on my mood. Some chooses to ignore my existence just to save themselves for trying to know the real me. But I don't think Im much of a difficult person to know. Im simple. I like things as simple as Im saying it. Whenever there's something troubling me, I say it out loud as long as I won't hurt anyone. Though there are times that I am hurting them. But few friends know the real me. There are few who refuse anything coming from me when all I wanted was to reach out and give my hand. There are few who took a word I say as a destruction to their sanity. Sometimes, I say things that meant the other way around not what they thought it was. Some just didn't like the way I offer my friendship. There are friends who really considered me as friends but left with no choice but to live their life different from mine. This is what life is all bout for me. The more I reached out for it to blend in with my dumbfounding life, the more it inches away and defy my existence. Ironic isn't it?

Anyway, sometimes talking helps. It's just a matter of knowing the proper use of modulation to get a better result from your audience. Specifically, in a relationship. The thing with relationship, though my knowledge may be little compared to others, even when you feel that your partner hurts you in a way that they don't know, you chooses to keep it to yourself and say nothing until everything piles up and explodes just to save both of you from arguing over something that doesn't really matter. But things are different from mine. As I have said, I am the kind of person that saying out loud what I feel be it positve or not is something that I have lived through. But it seems that no matter how nice I say it, it always gets mistaken for something. No, giving up is not on my list. I always do it although there are instances that I wanted to run away from it. And Im glad last night's was a triumph. I've made it through my target's heart. At least that's what I've seen. And I hope GOD would help me to be more understanding and mature and help me make my partner understand of who I really am and what I really want him to grasp. Im not a complicated person. If you look at me closely, you can see and know the real me. *ako si darna*

KL Trip and being mushy

Just got back from our KL trip and it's a bit tiring but I enjoyed being with my Mom and sister. We spent the whole saturday in KLCC, and although there's no good place to go to, still, it's not enough for us to explore more of KL. But I think my family enjoyed it though there's nothing much for them to see. We took a rest and drifted to sleep and woke up past 6. We weren't able to go to church bec it's already late. So that's it.

Btw, today's mother's day. And Im really glad that Mom's celebrating it with us. There's a flower delivery for her and she doesn't seem to be much of the "appreciative" person. But I dont mind. I know she appreciates it. She just didn't react the way Im expecting her to be. There's nothing much to say about our KL trip because we spent the whole trip shopping hehe. It's good to see my friends, Eian, Edward and Don and their little princess Iyah, who hugs me tightly the moment she sees me. Melts my heart really. *sigh* If not for that tiring 5-hr drive, I'll come by and visit them every weekend.

I miss my good friend Eian too. Especially talking about the good times we had. Those good times when we were still single and foolishly call ourselves as Charlie's Angels. Funny in a way. I miss my friends =( I miss Eian. I miss Annie. I miss Joey. I miss you guys. I may not have the courage to tell them how much I did miss them bec I dont want to sound too mushy, but GOD knows. It's very rare to find friends like them. Everything is fun sharing with them and being with them. Well, things are different now. Joey's in Manila, and I don't know if or when he's gonna come back. Eian's 7 months preggy and 5-hrs away from me. I still have Annie, though. But saddest thing is she'll be leaving for LA in 2 months time. =( And she's preggy
at the moment. People come and go, I know that. But few people have left footprints in my heart. And I'm just happy for them living their life to the fullest with a lot of achievements and blesssings to thank for. In a way, I envied them. The world keeps on revolving around them and mine just stays the way it has been. For another year, I will be doing the same routine. It's not that I dont like it. I just want something to change in my life - in a decent way.

How my day has been

I've been busy the whole day trying to do two projects at the same time. Both have deadlines. Both needs to be done immediately. My mind's been working all day and my capacity's maximum of four hours only! Harhar. I'm jsut really tired. But I really did have a lot of things to do. Considering the STRESS Im having right now. *Sigh* Anyway, I worked till 7pm then went to Kodak center to photocopy kendz's papers. 10 copies of each and Im holding about 10 pcs of papers. It's a lot but I know she really needs it. So I lazily do whatever I need to do. The man behind me was holding a piece of paper so I asked him to go ahead. After I've copied all the copies I need, i proceed to pay the amount. Then the man approaches me and told me im too kind. And he said a lot of nice things about me which I can't remember bec I was too busy thinking of what will I do next. Im too tired but I still managed to smile and nod along with all the things he was saying. He's a kind old man too humble to notice a simple gesture done for him and was nice enough to tell that person. It somehow made my day. Believe me I'm rude when people are getting nasty to me and being inconsedirate at times. But I respect elders and nicer to those who are to me. Maybe this meant to teach me to be more patient to other people. From Kodak, I went to NTUC to buy few things my Mum asks me to. *One of the things I'll miss when she went back to Manila sighhhhh* Then head back home. I feeellll soooo tired.

Converse

Although it's not entirely true, part of it I guess. To be able to get married, it takes two to tango right? And no matter how excited I am to get married if my partner's not, how will that possible? But come to think of it, deep inside me I know that I am just excited with the thought of getting married and not being married. I still have huge responsibilities and I can't take another one if my first is not done yet. Am not blaming him for putting all his obligations on my shoulder, although there are times that I think of the what-if's. Things happen for a reason. And there are reason why Im still single at the age of 28 (going 29 this year!). I'm enjoying my life and whatever it is that comes along my way may it be bad or good, I'll try not to blame it on the strings of my past but accept it as it was how my life was design by GOD.

Stress

Mind's so stressed this morning. My agent just called me and forcing me to decide if i'm going to renew my contract for another year. I really can't decide just like that. I was relying on the 10% we agreed upon before I signed the 2 + 1 contract. No increase for the first 2 years and 10% on the 3rd. The problem is they don't want to give it. I've talked to my boss and he confirmed what my agent told me. Houston, we have a problem. Huge! Arrrggghhhh, it's killing my diminutive brain hehehe. Plus I'm thinking about my CPF contribution for my 2nd year will be 24% of what I earn so this is a tough thing for me to decide. I know that the CPF will also be mine in the end like a force savings and it will be no problem for me if im only thinking of myself. I have family to support to. I can't afford to take any risk just like the previous years of my time. Everytime I need to sign another contract I've been looking outside for another job because I want a new thing in my life. Been bored working for the past four years doing the same work. I want to "upgrade" my skills but it's something that i can't afford to do. I've been praying to GOD to give me guidance and i know when i talked to my agent again *she gave me until 12 before lunch* what I'll decide is what GOD wants me to do. And i know it's the right one. Please enlighten me! =(

False hope

The bliss of a few minutes conversation puts false hopes once again that the acrimony slowly melts down. Anticipation rises up with every sound that aikon makes hoping that it will always be that someone. But that chat only happens when time steals away the tedium and the last resort will always be you. Funny how loathe ends up with hope when few words were spoken and sweet voice were heard. Dont pray for something to happen that could only make you jovial in less than an hour but desire for that bliss to be forever with you. The glee of not waiting in vain for that someone to take notice of your existence and the serenity of being in your own world not depending your happiness to someone who never had the slightest notion of what you're going through. Standing alone, stranded on the same ground.