Reverie of the Big House

I had a dream again of that same house for number of times. I don't know why but my guess was maybe most of my childhood's happy moments was at that house. The only thing I looked forward to whenever school vacation is close by. My Nanay's big house in bulacan. Whole clan was complete by then. Inang and Apo was still with us. We celebrate christmas or new year at that same house. Crossing over the small wall separating my Nanay's house to Inang's will only take a minute. I always see Inang with a big smile whenever she sees us. Dancing in a "lola" sweet kind of way. Talking in kapampangan as if we understood everything she was saying though we've learned to understand a few words or sentences.

I remember the new year's weve spent with our clan. It was a big family then. All cousins busy getting their hands on the sumptous food for the occassion. Chatting, laughing and just hanging out at the veranda or tagging along with my kuya boy whenever he goes out with his barkada. Enjoying the loud cracking of the fireworks that my tatay (uncle) deliberately spent his money on. Though I stayed inside because of my asthma, it was still a big celebration for us. Where food was shared after midnight. Laughter filled the house.

But that was years ago. Things happen along the way and before we know it, those times will only remain in our memories. And now these memories are part of most of my reveries. Im not complaning because it made me look back to the times that even once in my life, I had pure fun with my family.

ROCK n' SHOOT: Pinoycsers meets Philmusicsg

Actually, this isn't the first time pinoys in singapore demonstrates their talent and camaraderie. I've been an avid fan of these pinoy bands since GasHaus time. I was there at the BF1 and BF2. I'm amazed how these kababayans of mine took the time out of their busy schedule to do practice without getting anything in return. Well, maybe getting known by half of the community is one thing. But I don't think fame was their ultimate goal to waste their "rest time" plucking the guitar or beating the drum or playing the keyboards or shouting/singing a few songs just to be able to entertain hundreds of pinoys, where some, admit it or not, will do the best they can to say their not-so-good remarks. The way I see it, even if I want to be famous that bad, I won't be throwing most of my precious time not earning any single cent. I guess it's what most "real" artists called passion. And if I may say, saludo talaga ako sa inyo. Sana lang walang lumaki ang ulo. Rock and Shoot was held last saturday at The Arena in Clarke Quay. I was so proud of my friend Ulrik's success in organizing the event. I was also proud seeing my kumareng A on stage doing the introduction of the models. Hindi halatang kabado. Cuz, Ami and I just helped in the registration =) Di naman pala kelangan mag-mini skirt and backless para makarami ng sales eh hihihi. Syempre pa, proud ako of my friends who played on stage - the After Six. I never thought just handling the registration could be that exhausting. Ulrik treat us lunch and dinner. Helping him in this event wasn't that difficult. It's just so nice to see someone you've helped when they appreciate every single little things you've done. Shempre with or without the libre, we would always give you our support =)

Pinoycsers is a group of noypis photography enthusiasts in singapore.
Philmusigsg is a group of noypis music buff.

This joined event is really something. Asteegg!

Bands who played at the event:
Popoy, Toxic Inuendo, Cajooters, After6, Hybrid Kamote, Quiverpool, Mr Brosnan?, Tone Dev, Kernel Panic, Pop Machine, Transient Attack

And to the wonderful talented photographers of pinoycsers, astegg kayo :)

The Innocent Man by John Grisham

I love reading Grisham's for the fact that I get to know and understand few things about law. I wasn't that into watching news so I guess, what others already know may come as a new thing to me. After reading almost all of his books and surfing the net with book reviews about him, I realize that it's not fair giving him a review in my blog. I'm not a writer so I don't know what's good and what's to avoid. So this piece won't be focusing on review about the book. I think it will be more beneficial for others if I somehow convey what I've learned in reading the book. Pardon my post if it comes as an old news to you. Who knows, there may be others like me, right? So here's the tidbits.

1. I learned that there's a disease for excessive mood disorder or too much depression called Bipolar disease.

source: wikipedia
Bipolar disorder is not a single disorder, but a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood, clinically referred to as mania. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes which present with features of both mania and depression. These episodes are normally separated by periods of normal mood, but in some patients, depression and mania may rapidly alternate, known as rapid cycling. The disorder has been subdivided into bipolar I, bipolar II and cyclothymia based on the the type and severity of mood episodes experienced.


2. I learned that this kind of things really happen in the execution.
August 11, 1995, a bizaare execution took place. Robert Brecheen, a forty-year old white male, barely made it to the death chamber. The day before, he swallowed a handful of painkillers that he had somehow smuggled in and stockpiled. His suicide was to be his final effort at telling the state to go to hell, but the state prevailed. Breechen was found unconscious by the guards and rushed to the hospital, where his stomach was pumped and he was stabilized enough to get hauled back to H Unit for a proper killing.


3. I learned that the famous line "you have the right to remain silent" that we always hear in the movies had an actual history back in the 60's. "Miranda Rights" was from the most famous case, "Miranda vs Arizon wherein the Supreme Court imposed procedural safeguards to protect the rights of the accused. It was decided in 1966 an became instantly famous.

4. I learned that not everybody in the prison especially in the death row are all bad people. There are few who are innocent. And that being in prison is harder than it is in the outside world. It makes me value my life even more.

I am blessed

I haven't read half of the book and it already made me realize how lucky I am to have all the material things around me and I really feel blessed. I realized how some things that I just took for granted were a luxury to some. I've become so obsessed looking at the magazines wondering why some girls are so perfect and I realized how many millions are out there trying to survive without set of hands or a lower body or one eye and yet they never put it on top of their list hating their life. I felt ashamed how at times I'm weak and very immature. Jolie's book have helped me acknowledge a few wrongs in my life and I hope I'll remain thankful and never forget the things I've read and never complain again about anything. I thank God that even my family weren't with me, I know they are safe. They have food, shelter, tv and water. There are a lot of blessings in my life that I never had the time to look at to be thankful for because I was busy counting the things I don't have and lost. I felt really bad that I don't have any means of helping those who need one. I don't have the money, the time or any resources. I am here in the comfort of my home. I hope the little help that I could give to some will be a start. It's not much but it could be a start. But I hope the time will come that I will be able to help and make use of my existence. I have the urge to help but only time will tell. At the moment, I don't feel any remorse with anyone. I felt ashamed that there are people I've let go just because of my immaturity. I felt sorry for those I continue to hold on to trying to shove to them what I believe in when I alone wasn't perfect enough. I hope there's still time for me. I'm 31 and though I now regret a few things in my life I know that there's still a lot of years ahead of me to make things right if possible. As I was writing this piece, CNN is showing the Genocide Trial and the pain of those survivors left from the hands of the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia. An old man was vividly telling the reporter what they've been through. He was crying and really in pain remembering those times. Kaiyak :( From Jolie's book: "The youngest amputee I met was a little one-year-old girl. She was three months old when they cut off her arm and raped her mother" The church genocide, "During a crisis, thousands of people hid from the rebels by packing into a church - thinking it would be the only safe place - a house of God. The rebels found them hiding there and threw in grenades. Then they walked over all the dead bodies, stabbing them to make sure they were dead." "I was about to throw ice out of my glass and he stopped me. Ice is very expensive here. You should give it back to the kitchen." I hope when I finished reading the book and go through reading another book, I won't completely forget this. The desire in me to help these people, to be thankful for what I have now in my life and never complain again about anything and continue to pray for these people that someday they will find a day where they will wake up finding themselves in a bed with pillows and airconditioned room and taking a bath with a hot shower and drinking a hot cup of milo. Or just pray to God to give me something that's been missing in my life that they have - the courage to stand amidst of crisis. They are to me, the real heroes.

Hmmmm

im furtively contemplating whether i should do it again or not. it's been three years with the first one, ten months with the second. if i do it again for the third time, will i even be satisfied and will promised myself that it will be the last time? what others may think of me is the last thing on my mind. i just thought that if i do it, will it be the same as the first two when i did it? no uncertainties of any kind? though i am aware of the consequences of my actions, there's not a single day that i regretted my doings. so, the question that's been bugging me that i don't have the guts to ask any of my friends, should i do it or not? when is too much counted as way over the limit?

Looking back

My thoughts brought me back to my college days as I gaze upon the students in front of me at the bus. It was, for me, one of the memorable times in my life. Unlike others, I don't have the brains to get a full scholarship or a silver spoon in my mouth in order for me to finish my college. But, I was lucky enough to be admitted in the Ozanam Grantee - an organization for student assistants where students worked for at least 40 hours a week in the school while maintaining a passable grade. My university days were monotonous. From Monday to Friday, starting at 6.30 in the morning and going home at 10 in the evening, I juggle my work and classes. As soon as I got home, rest was done only after I've done my assignments or projects. Sleep was a luxury for me that time. On saturdays, I still go to school to work half day and spend the afternoon for my laboratory classes which was really impossible to do on the weekdays. Sundays were usually meant for the org's events like sports activities, charitable activities, induction, etc. It was tiring but I guess the adrenaline of juggling everything was what pushed me to finish that responsibility. Though it sounds like boring as hell and no fun at all, it has its own perks that I did enjoy for 5 years that I was a grantee. Like being the first one to choose a good schedule, and enroll without the hassle of queuing and rubbing elbows with thousands of regular students. There's also a chance of getting the good side of most of my professors since I almost see them my entire university life. But of course, there are professors who just hate us and doesn't have the sympathy on what we do. A chance to have a peek of most of your grades is also one of the perks though it was always done discreetly. And the best of all is doing the charity works. The chance to do "apostolate" where all grantees will visit one place (juvenile delinquency, old people, squatters area, etc) and distribute the goods donated by the grantees from their measly allowance was one experience I couldn't forget. It's a chance for poor to help the poor. We were taught not to limit ourselves on helping others just because we don't have enough money. Every month, at least one saturday, we spend our whole day playing with the kids, chatting with the parents of how they live their life and at the same time giving hope to those who needs one. We were the perfect model for them for we know what it's like to live having one meal a day, what it feels like to hear your stomach growling, to have only few pesos in our pocket, to know the difficulty of coming from a broken family, to have a piece of apple as a luxury and experienced what it's like to have their electricity cut by the meralco for not paying the bill. But everytime we were there, you would never see a soul without a smile on their face. It's not because of the food we bring but because of the hope they see in us inspite of every trial that's sited on our shoulders. I've learned a lot from them. I've learned many things that even the best school couldn't teach me. I've learned that one man's quandary could be another's strength. Their only reason for living is their family. Their only bliss and dream is to have enough food for everybody. Maybe it's not bad to go back a few paces so I could learn to accept the things I cannot do and be thankful for the things that I have knowing how many millions out there who doesn't have.

HP and the Deathly Hallows

Finally, I've managed to finish the seventh and last book of Harry Potter, and yes I know it's a bit late to finish the book. Rowling had managed to end all of Harry Potter's agony deliberately without trying to squeezed in side stories just to finish the book. A very good ending, I must say. Each chapter were carefully laid out and i love the chapters that had some connections in the past books. And of course, what's not to love in the way every scene was vividly described making you feel like you're part of the story. Reading the book resembles the idea of the pensieve minus the visuals. This, of course, was my personal evaluation of the book. I love reading it and I love not getting bored on each chapter. =)

Notes from my travels

I've always admired Angelina Jolie for all the charity works she'd been doing and how she'd shown to the world how only one person can have that power to make a difference. Of course, I couldn't just wish to be like her because that would be too far-fetched from the reality of where I am now. I just wish that I could have that attitude to do goodness to others. That's why I was so glad to see that Angelina have a book about her travels. And as soon as I finish reading the Innocent Man, I'll start hunting for her book :) Btw, Angelina Jolie is the Goodwill Ambassador for the UN. Idol!

Music and Me

you have to admit that music was created to speak what your heart wanted to say to the world. may it be about different levels of pain you're having or the happiness you're reeling in. millions of songs were created to either make you sulk even more to your world of loneliness or tell the whole world the amount of ecstacy youre feeling. isn't it great how one can collate words and put them into one meaningful song with a melody that helped you express your feeling? isnt it ironic how many songs speak of that feelings and yet it looks to you that it isn't enough to fully and vividly describe what you're going through? and then you pick up that piece of blank sheet and pen and started scribbling what you thought would most depict the road you're travelling to. funny how most of us stumble upon the same pain and rapture and yet it feels different. it makes us feel that what were going through right now is nothing compared to what others have gone through. most of that times, it felt like ours is the worst and no one can fathom the reasoning we have at the moment. i guess this is what music could do to me. put meaning into something even if it doesn't have any. or what "not much load" at work means.