Senti

When I was in elementary and high school, I always thought it's so cool to be a grown up. You get to do a lot of things on your own without your parents help. You can drink beer just because you're having fun with your friends and not because you're only pretending to be cool just because you can do stuff that grown ups do. You can buy things with your own money without worrying what your parents might say. You can stay up late and sleep whenever you like. You can go to parties without having any arguments with your mom just to make her let you go. You can date anyone you like without worrying of getting pregnant with a kiss. There were tons of reasons I had back then which makes me eager to be a grown up right away. Assignments and high grades made me itch to get out of my school days. I thought that it'll be super to be a grown up because I could finally do things on my own and make decisions for my own life. But now that I'm here on this stage I can't see those reasons as enthusiastically as I saw them many years ago. Now, I long for the simple life I had back then. The times I look forward to the most simple things my family and friends gave me. I love where I am and who I am now. I love the people that came into my life even those who just passed by. And i am not complaining from all the hardships I've gone through. But I wish grown up life is not that complicated. I wish it was as simple as a 10 year old's. I wish that a fight between two people who love each other only lasts a day. I'm not asking for these life's complications to eradicate. I just wish for them to be over sooner without the need of changing too many things in your life. I wish it was easier to talk about things without the need of someone to die just to prove their point and killing too many innocent life. I wish it's easier to compromise on things we all had a different views about. I wish there were only healthy competitions without the need of saying mean things about people you truly don't know. I wish I have simple wishes in life but I guess life is not that simple. Or maybe it is. Maybe it's the people who make life complicated. I hope when these kids grow up they won't face the same world I am facing now. Or if they do, I hope it'll be them who will change it.

On Absolution

Kahapon sa mass, sabi sa homily ni Father minsan daw parang mas madali pa humingi ng forgiveness kay God kesa sa mga mahal mo sa buhay. Parang andami mo daw kailangan gawin at dadaan ka sa katakot takot na kaba bago mo masabi dun sa taong gusto mong hingan ng kapatawaran na nagsisisi ka. Kay God magpray ka lang at syempre you have to mean na hindi mo na nga talaga gagawin, yung absolution makukuha mo kaagad. Naisip ko minsan bakit nga ba ganun? Is it because mas madali magsalita pag hindi mo kaharap yung hinihingan mo ng kapatawaran? Or is it because, deep in your heart you know that God will still forgive you as He always does? Pero bakit nga rin ba ang tao minsan mahirap magpatawad? Baka kasi there's pain and heartache and insecurities and pride na pwedeng matapakan once absolution would be given as easy as that. And God doesn't have any of those worldly traits to hinder the love He could give even if we've sinned for a million times. Naisip ko sana ganun din ako kadali magpatawad sa tao. Sana kahit yun lang yung only trait na ibinigay sa tin siguro wala ng war o gutom or hinanakit. Pero kung meron naman nito posible ding may mga taong umabuso? Minsan hirap ding magwish ng mga bagay na ang nakikita mo lang is yung kung ano gusto mong makita without really knowing what it could cause or bring you.

With this, hindi ko alam kung ano natutunan ko. Sana lang bigyan ako ni God ng strength to accept the things I cannot change and accept the things that people could do to me. Minsan naman I tried to be lucid as much as I can syempre with God's guidance.

Just in time din, my colleague and his wife gave me this "My Daily Bread". Sobrang thankful ako :) Siguro sabi ni God sa dami daw ng mga librong nabasa ko na at sa kapal ng mga librong yun now's the time to read something about Him naman. :)

Music and Me

You know how music affects your life that sometimes it doesn't help at all when you're feeling low and downright miserable hearing these melo-dramatic love songs? Makes you more insane isn't it? I guess this is one of the many reasons why music evolve from mellow and rock to many different genres like rnb, alternative, alternative rock, etc. Anyway, I just thought about this. I am not feeling miserable at the moment but upon hearing this one song, it almost made me cry for no reason. :( Yes, I've listened to it many times, cried with it but everytime I listen to it, it made me really sad. And believe me, at first it had nothing to do with the lyrics but as minutes passed by, word for word it's coming back to me now. It brought me back to that pain, to that sadness and to that longingness that I don't want to ever feel again but things like these are inevitable in life. Then I thought of some of my friends who are struggling to get out of it now. And this is me confessing. When I'm there listening and talking like everything will be alright and there were bigger things in life to think about than this, I wasn't trying to make it not a big deal and make you feel like it was just a small thing. It is a big thing! And believe me, you're far stronger than I was. You're much better holding it all. And when I talk and act like I'm as strong as a steel, I was only trying to be so you could lean on me. When I said, I've been there so you gotta listen to me, I dont mean it's so easy to get out just because I found my way out. People experience pain on different degree. So what one went through will always be different from another. current mood: sentimental

Music and Me

you have to admit that music was created to speak what your heart wanted to say to the world. may it be about different levels of pain you're having or the happiness you're reeling in. millions of songs were created to either make you sulk even more to your world of loneliness or tell the whole world the amount of ecstacy youre feeling. isn't it great how one can collate words and put them into one meaningful song with a melody that helped you express your feeling? isnt it ironic how many songs speak of that feelings and yet it looks to you that it isn't enough to fully and vividly describe what you're going through? and then you pick up that piece of blank sheet and pen and started scribbling what you thought would most depict the road you're travelling to. funny how most of us stumble upon the same pain and rapture and yet it feels different. it makes us feel that what were going through right now is nothing compared to what others have gone through. most of that times, it felt like ours is the worst and no one can fathom the reasoning we have at the moment. i guess this is what music could do to me. put meaning into something even if it doesn't have any. or what "not much load" at work means.

When it rains, it pours

May mga oras na gusto mong tumakbo palayo sa mga bagay na nagbibigay ng bigat sa mundong ginagalawan mo pero hindi mo alam kung saan ka tutungo. May mga panahon na ang isa o dalawang suliraning nakalagay sa tig-isang balikat mo ay di pa sapat ang bigat at madadagdagan pa. May mga pagkakataong gusto mo ng sumuko pero ang pagsuko ay di kayang intindihin ng mga taong nakapaligid sayo. Ang pagiging mahina ang nakikita nila sa katauhan mo hindi ang mga sugat na pilit mong nilalabanan. Haayyyyy, ang drama. Lord, bigyan mo pa ko ng lakas at tibay. :(

A Moment in my life

There are moments in our life that shatters us and somehow made us change most of our perspective in life. We cry 'till there were no tears left hoping that it will lessen the pain or make that moment go away for a while. But God always gives us choices to make. To see things either in a way that could make us more miserable or still look forward with what could be in for us in the future. We may look back only if we're strong enough not to let this affect how we see things now. It's always difficult to be positive when you're hurting. I always say that. It's always intricate to put into action now what you've advised to others. It's not easy and it's never been.

I couldn't blog about what im facing now but im definitely looking at it optimistically. At least, that's what Im trying to do now. It's hard but I know this will pass. Im holding on to God's promise that He never intended us to get hurt. He might took away few things that matters to us, but you'll know that this may be for your own good. I hope I'll remain strong. I hope I won't let my weakness get into me.

Life is so ironic

That, my friends, is my YM's status today.

"we may not fully understand the reason why some things happen and when it does, that we have to be strong and always be positive inspite of the pain we felt, but GOD never fail to put something good for you at the end of it all. He's the only one who knew that reason so when this painful moment knock into our door it is ok to be weak at times but always know that GOD never want to hurt us. It might be something that we encounter because of our own doing but it's always something that makes us stronger in the end. No better words can alleviate the pain but let's not forget that there's no mountain that is too high that we can't climb." 

What I like now

. . . is to rest and just lay in our bed and sleep all day
. . . is to have at least 2 more weeks to finish all my things to do at work so I won't have to do overtime which ive been doing for the past few days
. . . is to have money magically appear before me so I can send it over to my family and pay my bills
. . . is to have at least a week spared to do my laundry, fix our messy room, get things done from my list of to do's, and sort my wedding magazines
. . . is to trade my iPod Nano with an iPod Video *hehe*
. . . is to travel anywhere for at least a week

i sigh a deep breath wanting to get things done with just one blink of an eye. i close my eyes and say a silent prayer to give me strength. to be patient. to get more love. the things i want are always the easy way. i guess the best thing to ask is to be contented with whatever is in front of me and just ask for happiness to do whatever it is that i need to do. may it be the hardest thing or the easiest one.

at the ground floor where i work is a pre-school and every morning, i get to see those happy little faces with their naiveness and eagerness to learn. and then i look back. i've been in IT for exactly nine years now. seven of which ive been doing programming, thinking of best possible solutions to whatever problems thrown at us. im not saying that i never enjoyed it. i did. but for that long time and seeing how these kids look up to their teachers makes me think what if i change my career? i love being around kids. i love playing games that's nonsense to most. i love the feeling of someone looking up to me. i love when anything i say matters and felt like it was always a good thing if it came from me. i know it wasn't easy as well to be a teacher. kids these days were different. am i suitable for this?

other part of me really wanted to be a model. i know it wasn't as glamorous as i see it. but i just like to think that i am. kahit sa dreams lang. but at least, i don't need to think solution for someone's problem. oh well.

i guess things are just getting monotonous. waking up in the morning, taking a bath, taking mrt then bus to work, go home, eat dinner then sleep. well, i still love my life. i have a lot of good things to look forward to. haaayyyy.

Blabbering fool

There are times in your life when part of your past is running after you, haunting you, hitting you in the face with something that is long forgotten. No one ever intended to hurt anyone but there are times that you have no choice but to go after that choice where it will cause lesser pain than the other. As far as I know, I've explained why things happened. And I never hurt someone without inflicting that pain on myself. I am always part of that pain. Sigh. Just let it go.

Poignant goodbye

We went to the wake last night at St. Theresa Church. My ex-Boss wasn't there, later found out that he was sick and have to go to the hospital. Poor him. We managed to talked to Monica's sister and she told us what happened. Monica was my ex-Boss's wife who died just last friday. It was really sudden that all were shocked to hear about Monica's demise. She was only 39.

This was Monica's sister's story as far as I can remember:
Their daughter (only 8 yrs old) was sick since last thursday so Monica file for a Child Care leave that friday. Her sister last talked to Monica friday at 3pm telling her that she's really tired and she's vomitting but that was it. She didn't feel anything strange. She wasn't sick at all. But around past 5, Monica with her daughter, tried to cough then fainted. The daughter was really brave and didn't panicked at all, called her father who's still in the office, and told him what happened. When the father got home, after few attempts to make Monica breath, she's already gone. The doctor said Monica had a massive heart attack base from the autopsy. But her sister said Monica doesn't have any heart condition history. The only thing that Monica complains to her sister was that she's tired. Could someone really died just like that? Overstressed? Too much work? She's still young and her daughter's only 8. Maybe it's time to think twice if we ever plan on working long hours and not spending few hours of our time with our family. As life continues to most of us - my boss, Monica's family and their beautiful daughter continue to grief and miss monica. Our fervent prayer to Monica's soul and to her family whom she left. =(

Sorry i sound too concerned with what happened. Aside from the fact that i hate it when someone was left behind, the now-widowed husband of Monica was my boss for 6 years. And monica works at the same company as ours. It's just really sad.

Sad Christmas

Woke up late. Day was gloomy. It was raining since last night, i think. I wanted to stay home to sleep. I almost call in sick. Really feel sleepy. Obvious from my blog. I felt like a telegram. Then, I got an SMS from Mareng Bebit. She told me about the demise of Tatay's wife last friday. 3 days before christmas. Tatay was my Project Leader for 6 years in Hadaba. He's the one who testified for each contract that I sign that I deserve the income that I am asking for. He was the one who made me see that not all Singaporeans are "kinda" racists. His wife works at Hadaba too. Wasn't actual close to his wife but most of the CP's that were under Tatay were really close to him. Especially me and Mame Ces. It's really really sad to know of his loss. They have a 6 year old girl. I felt like crying just thinking of it. I hate this kind of moment in life. I've said many times before in my blog how my heart breaks for the people who were left alone by their loved ones. It's really hard. I hope GOD will take care of them. I hope GOD can show to them that life may be as hard as it can get, it will always be beautiful in the end. Oh, darnit, I don't have anything good to say. I felt sad. =( Imagine losing someone when it's so close to adding one more happy event like Christmas in your life. Condolence Tatay. :(

Nostalgic Friday Night

I was getting sad every friday where I usually spend my friday night to bars. I was used to having night out's with my friends. Especially when Annie was here or when Rosiel still works from where I work. We go out on wednesdays where every bar in town especially our fave - Insomnia - held a sign "Ladies Night", and on fridays and saturdays. Can you blame me missing the usual thing Im doing? I don't know what's wrong with me but I always get nostalgic every friday night that im just staying at home. I guess I just miss going out in a bar with my girlfriends having fun dancing and getting a bit drunk hehe. Not that my social life is getting blurred, i do go out all the time with my friends. Oh well, I guess that part of my life is over. Im just being sentimental for a very little reason.

Anyway, we went for bowling that friday night. I just skipped on BJ (Botak Jones), since I have to go to Orchard for Ella's pictures for her birthday party. Being alone, on a friday night made me write this kind of thing. I wasn't sure how bebe's gonna stay patient with me on this hehehe. It's usually his "day out" and I just bugged him with my nonsense which I held on the details for some reason *wink*. I wasn't my pretty self that night *sorry guys* that I thought of just going home instead of going to Marina but held back since I know that I won't be doing anything at home. But I did enjoyed the whole time I was with them. It's my way home that made me go back to my sentimental foolishness. We went home around 12. Still looking forward to going out. With that, I ask for a cig which I've been reluctantly doing for the past few months. Im no addict. I do puff, but only when Im at a bar. Sigh. It's sad to see that chapter of my life is over. I guess you just missed something or someone when you know that you're having the best time of your life when they're around.

Rants

There are things in life though how difficult it is for you to go on in life, you can't seem to unload your feelings towards your friends. It's like feeling worst telling it to some close friends than keeping it by yourself. And so being alone is one of the best option. Your concern touches me my dear friends. I may not look fine, but I will be... in time. Every wound heals without us realizing it.


"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love." - Neil Gaiman

Flat Line

have u ever have that "someone" that you actually never had?

have u ever felt something just by looking at them and suddenly realized how much you missed them?

have u ever thought how u always longed for something that you can't have? or maybe it's just bec of the fact that you wanted to have it bec u know u can't have it?

have you ever wondered for so many times how good it will be to kiss someone especially when they look weary, tired or sad?

so many wonderings in just a matter of minutes. your sanity flew out of you the moment your heart beats faster than its normal pace. the moment your eyes met amidst of chaos, there's a pain inside u that you can't just seem to understand. seems like for you it never stops. seems like for them you're already history.

rational people still do stupid things, so judgement is not always an option.

Azkaban

am i wrong to think that married life will caused you much pain than anything else in the world? am i wrong to be cynic in going through another chapter of life where there's more conflict, verbal abuse and sometimes physical mistreatment, financial difficulties, insecurities and more? Although I'm aware of some of the incomprehensible bliss that this chapter of life brings, still, the unending circumstances of getting hurt is much more intense than the latter. I used to be so agitated about weddings but now that getting married requires a lot of funds, plus the fact that what I've said earlier about married life is not that alluring, I'm hesitating now to be thrilled about it. It's like your paying an expensive "ticket" to a place I now called "Azkaban". I hate to be pessimist about something that I myself haven't experienced yet. But I have walked this far, meeting a lot of people - married people, who have shared their quandaries with me, and I may have not seen the worst or the best part of their life, I'll say I have seen enough to put fear in my heart. This, I say, based on my own opinion and not yearning for others to deem the same way I do. I hope this fear won't be nurtured...

Be brave little one

It’s been a tough week for her and though I’ve tried to think of the best words that could ease at least a bit of what’s on her shoulders, there’s none but be there for her and listen. Today, in between those sobs, I listened wordlessly, unable to say any reassuring words, and just cried as soon as I put down my phone after that call from her. It’s not a tears of pity nor of hatred to somebody but of uncertainty as to why life was never fair for any of us. It’s iniquitous to let someone who’s famished to see a bag of chips and not let that person have a taste of it. I know that GOD has His own reasons why things like these happen. But I can’t help but question the inexplicable verity of life. Why do we always have to come across a few good things in life that even if we worked hard to get it, it still remain distant and left us in pain and into wondering where will this leads us? Am I right to think that there’s no such thing as utterly bliss? I have walked a thousand miles, scarred, obtain few good reasons to be very happy only to find the equal significant ones to lose their way and out of my hands? I guess she had the wrong choice of friend in me. Because I am not brave and I do not have that “gift” to ebb her pain. I know it’s unbearable and hard and tears won’t stop from falling because it’s all part of it. I can’t tell her it’s ok and to stop worrying because I know it’s not and it won’t go away that easily. So I guess that leaves me worthless??? Ugh, I hate this word.

“Lean on me, not because I’m strong but because GOD is pushing me to stand tall for you." - Inah.Ynna(f)

Just a thought

I believe that each individual has their own way of solving their plight. Being tough and learning not to be feeble is something that you can not learn even from the best school in the world. It is one of the cynicism of life. There may be times in your life that you will be weak and won't be able to contain yourself from yielding in to some things that were categorized as a wrong doing, but God will always find a way to pick you up and tell you that it's gonna be alright. But you have to realize when it's really time for you to be brave enough to let go of things that you don't want to let go of and worry about the "healing time" afterwards. It's not easy and it will never be. But all wounds heal in time. I may have heard the same old story, I may have step on it sometime in my life, but the way each person fought for it is always different from the other. But I always believe that in every predicament there will always be a lesson learned and that God never fails to alleviate the "heavy loads" you are carrying on your shoulder.

Back again!

I have been idle for God knows how long. I've been busy. I have walked in an emotional tunnel but no worries, just like the past years of my life, I have walked out of it, undamaged... i hope. I have been busy at work, for the first time. A week's overtime is a first for me. Idiocy devours my sanity again. For the second time i lost my handphone and i think stupidity is a very kind word for it. But I managed to have a new phone that I really like, thanks to my angel. My sister got a job. My bunso got a part time job. My mom worries about me. I got friends who sometimes make my life miserable but all the time making it wonderful. Thousand blessings to thank God and a few things to lament. Still, I am so grateful for the way my book of life is written. There may be hundred things that I want to have in my hands now, but I know it's not yet the right time. I have to believe that one's happiness lies not in the completeness of the things we wanted but in the contentment with the things we have now. Life's miserable if we aim for the things we know we can't have at the moment. I hope I could live my life with this saying. =) 'Till next... I'm finally back!

rant

how long will you let fear control your sanity and trashed the unprejudiced personality in you?

do u always wish for things to be running the way it has been until you meet the end?

never let someone feel bad about something bec u never know how hard it is for them to keep that smile while hurting.

Huh!

It's 4 am and im still wide awake.
I can't sleep.
Something's bothering me.
I just read something that's not meant to be read.
This solitude i feel, i can't explain.
I hope im wrong. I hope it's just my fear that's clouding my sanity.