A Sign

I’m a very emotional person and I guess I wouldn’t argue with someone if they tell me that I am so dramatic. But I’ve never rely or believe in signs. Like those people who asked for them so they’ll feel that their questions or prayers has been answered. I guess it’s more of assuring themselves that they we’re not being ignored. But last night, it somehow turn me into a believer. While sadness is eating me up again remembering baby Nathan, I couldn’t help but cry. Accepting something like this is not at all easy. Tears will always well up for just any reason. The sadness will always be part of me now. The thing is, when we are already sad, we have this habit of listening to sad songs or looking at the old photos or going back to the memories that makes us even more melancholic. Or like me, visiting google and typing great poems for bereavement. Isn’t it pathetic? Maybe not. I guess, we are only trying to find a way to release the desolation we’re feeling through tears. And I was glad when I stumble upon this beautiful poem I posted on my blog last night. While reading, a black small butterfly was flying around the room. We don’t have any idea where it came from. I was happy. And first thing that came into me is baby Nathan. But suddenly, Cheska cried as she got scared. The I said to the butterfly: “if it’s you baby nathan, thank you. don’t worry about us now. We love you. you”. We opened the door of our room and it didn’t flew out. I said again, “You can go now baby. Your achie is really scared. Thank you” Moment later, we never saw the butterfly again. Thank you Lord for putting hope into our hearts and looking at small irrelevant things as our way out of our grief for a while. This kind of things may sound funny or total coincidence for others, but it means a lot to me. I won’t call it a sign but rather a ray of sunshine in a very dim tunnel.

Baby Nathan’s 40 Days

I don't want to remember that day as the saddest day of our life because we're sure that's not how you want us to be ... but d heartaches, prince nathaniel,  o promise me that you'll continue to guide your mommy and daddy because there will always be times that they’ll long for your scent, for your cries, for your warmth, for your presence... we love you baby nathan... we miss you so much...

a beautiful poem i stumble upon on the internet

Daddy please don't look so sad,
Mommy please don't cry,
Cause I am in the arms of Jesus and
He sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God,
Don't think He is unkind.
Don't think He sent me to you,
And then He changed His mind.
You see, I am a Special Child,
And I am needed up above,
I'm the special gift you gave Him,
The product of your love.
I'll always be there with you,
And watch the sky at night
Find the brightest star that's gleaming,
That's my halo's brilliant light
You'll see me in the morning frost,
That mists your windowpane.
That's me, in the summer showers,
I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze,
From a gentle wind that blows,
That's me, I'll be there, Planting a kiss on your nose.
When you see a child playing,
And your heart feels a little tug,
That's me, I'll be there, giving your heart a hug.
So, daddy, please don't look so sad,
Mommy don't you cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus,
and He sings me lullabies.

Baby Nathan’s 2nd Week

I never thought I'd dreaded Saturday in my entire life. It has been my favorite day of the week for the past years. It's the 2nd week now since I got that call which I wish never happened. Whenever I was asked before if ever there were any regrets in my life that I have, I always answered that I don't want anything to change in my life may it be good or bad because they all have been a factor of where I am and what I am now. But this is one exception that I so wanted to go back to. I will do anything to make our angel go back again. To make sister A not feel the pain and whatever she's going through now. She's strong, I know that. And I may be miles away from them for a very long time and Im aware that I don't know them well enough but I know when they're hurting. I know how painful it is to lose someone. To lose a child. Honestly, I really don't care whatever plans He have for her right now. I just can't stand knowing my little sister is hurting.

 

We miss you Biboy. We miss the idea of planning your 1st birthday party. I miss the idea of planning on buying baby stuff for you. I miss the idea of knowing that you're just around. Our life goes on. But it will never be the same. Losing you will always crept up in our minds while having fun or when we're being idle. I wish you will recognize Mama Faye when we see each other again. I wish I could tell you so many things that I never got the chance here on earth.

 

For now, I will try to accept the fact that there is a greater reason why you were taken back early.

Baby Nathan's 9th Day

Today marks our little angel's 9th. My heart is still aching for losing him. It's aching for I know how painful it is for my sisters and mamu who've been taking care of him since day 1. It's aching because I can't imagine how sister A is surviving each day. The suddenness of what had transpire in our family is too much to bear. I haven't totally mourn for his loss because I know the people he had left behind needed me to be strong for them. My bereavement is focus on uplifting their already dampen spirits. But I'm not strong. And I haven't accepted the fact that he's gone. But I don't want my family to know that. I have to show them that life goes on, even if I, myself believe, that it will stop eventually, at least for a while.

 

Of course all of us believe that GOD has reasons why certain things happen but I want to know why. My heart is filled with questions that I know won't be answered by anyone or anything except GOD. I am accepting the fact that a little angel has to be taken away from us because he was not ours in the first place. He was only loaned to us from above. But I want to know why he was lend to us and be taken away only after 2 months? Please don't judge me or be mad at me for asking questions. I know and I believe that only you have the power to give and take things rightfully. I'm only asking now to let me try to understand why so I can fully give my strength to them.

 

I'm sorry Baby Nathan. I hope I'm not making you worry too much about us down here. I know you're playing now happily in heaven. No more 24/7 tummy ache. We missed you so much. And I know your mom and mamu and mama kris and mama kendz and ate ayesha and daddy do a lot more than I do. Please help to ask Papa Jesus to heal their aching hearts. Your mom is a strong person - way too strong to go through a lot of things in life that I know I can't handle. But even superman gets weak with the kryptonite. So I'm hoping that this kryptonite moment of her life will eventually pass.

 

I love you sweet angel. Thank you for letting me hold you for few days. Thank you for waking me up on that few days to sing you to sleep and touch your tummy so it won't hurt. Thank you for holding on to my thumb when i touched your hands. Thank you for letting me feel the warmth of your small frail body. I wish it wasn't that soon but some things has to be done. Please keep on guiding your mom and dad so they will continue to go on with their lives and make things right. Please keep on guiding your tita's and lola so they will be able to accept that it is not their fault why we lost you. Please keep on guiding your ate ayesha so she won't cry and hold on to your picture till she gets older although keeping the memory of you will make her stronger. Please keep on guiding me so I will find my way to my why's.

 

After office, I went to Novena church to at least pray for Baby Nathan. I didn’t know that it will be a place for me to relieve some of the heavy burden in my heart. I guess the prayers we asked our friends are more for me and my family especially sister A than Baby Nathan. Maybe because we all know that he is in heaven now.

Precious Angel

If I see you in another lifetime,
would you know who I was or who we were?
would you know how much we have anticipated your arrival?
would you remember how wide our smiles when you came?

If I see you in another lifetime and you didn't recognize me,
would you spend a little moment to listen so i can tell you
not much but enough to help you remember some of it?

I was glad that for a while you made me happy when I first carried you in my arms
Would you even have a recollection of the song I sang to you
when you couldn't sleep because of your tummy ache?
It was a few days but all the while made me fell in love with you

But when I had the chance to meet you again,
i will tell you how much happiness you've brought us
how much our hearts were broken when you left us
how much it aches to have lost you forever

We will miss you so much our sweet angel
As you rest in Gods care
We will rest too
Knowing that Jesus is watching over you

We love you so much!

 

 

Precious Child - Karen Taylor Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then

In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart