When the best isnt good enough

"Acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame."

"Acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself."

"For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it."

"When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past."

- excerpt from Joe D' Mango's labnowts

Kodak Moments

Three years before digital camera made it to the trend, i used to kill and waste all of my time doing scrapbooks out of all the KODAK MOMENTS I had and captured in my "film-camera". And honestly, those years have been memorable and very fun, celebrating bdays here and there and going places with friends and almost every month there is always something for my camera to seize. There were times that I asked myself why do i even bother wasting my time putting all the pictures in an album, decorating it where there are still a lot of things to waste my time on? And the dilemma of having these things adds up when you move to another place. But last night, I leaf through all the albums again, and all I did was smile. Like a time machine, taking me to years back in my life, musing over places, people and things that once have been part of my life. All those trips to places we travel along with our group of friends, the parties we had, the clubbings, meeting different people from other places, sharing secrets, jokes, witnessing your friends from courtship till they got married and having a bday party every year for their child, how i used to play with my friends' kids when they were still young and looking at them now all grown up amuses me, all these things were all here in front of me, all packed up in this piece of "JUNK" as i always and some called it. It's a part of my life, only the ones that's full of bliss. Only those things in my life that I always want to remember and let others see in me. That once, I have lived my life to the fullest. With friends that loves and cherish me. Being away from my family, friends are the closest one I could have. And Im glad those years of my life were captured and neatly recorded in a scrapbook. Regrets for wasting my time on those pieces of junk? I don't think so. =)

Away from the sun

She sits by the window as the music serenes her inner being. Time moves slowly... Back into the time where she listens to the same old song, sitting in a chair, reading emails, chatting with him... She smiles... She remember how it used to be... How she often see his eyes filled with love and compassion and longing. How every single minute matters. How everything around them is a field of roses with a little rays from the sun. And then she wokes up from reminiscin facing what was hers now. Years have gone by. Things around them changes. Love stronger. Miles away from where everything started. Meeting other people by chance. Some of them just pass by, some stays. She crawl back into the bed not wanting to wake the peace of his sleep. She looked at him. She lightly kiss him in the forehead bidding him goodnight. But she lays there wide awake. Thinking... Of how it all used to be. Of the difference of the NEW and the OLD. Of how people, no matter what age, enjoys things, relationship, food, adventure, places, toys, whatever it is, NEW makes people happy. The eyes, that they say is the window to thy soul, is burning with desire, with longing, with hope that it'll never go away. That it'll stay forever. But when it does, the compassion slowly ebbs away. It slowly creeps into that pile of their everyday life. Their monotonous life. She wants the OLD thing to go back. She thought how life would be better if she see how love grew stronger with the OLD ways still adhering. One has to go on living the life of how it should be not the way one want it to be. She miss the OLD life. She miss seeing the colours around her. She hates being snared in an insipid world. She wanted to run... Away from the light the sun brings.... Away from NEW... Back to OLD...

Im too sad tonight =(

It was a long story and I'll be blogging about it maybe next week when my anger and sadness subsides. I've been calling my sister apple and she's been cancelling my calls, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I dont know the reason but maybe she doesn't want to get scolded or being asked of how she left our youngest home alone. It really saddens me thinking of how much sacrifice you've made to certain people in your life especially those you love the most and all you got is this... I don't wanna brag about how much helped I've given them and Im not asking much from them. All I want is respect and a little appreciation of what I am in their life. If they can do this to me, how much more to our mom? Heartaches brought by friends and guys I've been in love with is nothing compared to what Im dealing now. I've tried every ways I can just to reach out to them but to no avail. I feel like I dont matter at all to them. I hope GOD will help me to make them understand what life really is. And what Ohana is all about. =(

Game Over

Big leap. Huge event. Life's waiting time is over. Reached the limit. No time to grieve. Wounds are healed. Heart's revealed. It seems forever to be in the dark. The sun is out. Light over my head. Smile on the face. Bliss is here. Finally over. All it takes is just a call. Divulge the monstrocity the feelings swathe. Fondness gone, revolting self revealed. Delighted it's over. Moving on.

I remember you

it only takes few things.... one song, a sweet scent of a familiar perfume, a place, a casual mention of the name... to remember someone... to remember you...

Sensitivity

it's that time again to crawl back in the cocoon that wraps me and keeps me away from the outside world where people hurt me. I don't want to live my life getting used to what others want from me. I want to live it the way I wanted it. im always aware of what other may think and what others may feel from all the things i do but none of them do the same thing for me. im that someone who needs care and attention. im that someone who also needs a friend. im that someone who also needs a shoulder to cry on. im that someone who's also human. feels everything that you do. hears everything that you heard. insensitivity is not something you have to be proud of. you've hurt someone and it's just to mend someone's broken heart especially when it's you who have caused it. dont justify something by saying it's who you are. never closes a door when someone offers a help. they never meant to interfere in your life. its simple and its pure offering bec they care about you. dont play with someone when heart's vulnerable. the more you tried to lighten up the conversation the more you press on the wound. be sensitive enough when one's already suffering and make a difference by offering a help but never make fun out of other people's feelings. people who cried in anguish are sensitive and they need someone to be there for them. not someone who'll walk away from them when all they ask is a shoulder to cry on. never think only of what you feel but consider others too. you may not know when you have caused a turmoil and broken somebody's heart.

i know... im being sentimental again... but it's my turf. and it's my right...

The real me

Some people may not comprehend me. Some have troubles getting on my mood. Some chooses to ignore my existence just to save themselves for trying to know the real me. But I don't think Im much of a difficult person to know. Im simple. I like things as simple as Im saying it. Whenever there's something troubling me, I say it out loud as long as I won't hurt anyone. Though there are times that I am hurting them. But few friends know the real me. There are few who refuse anything coming from me when all I wanted was to reach out and give my hand. There are few who took a word I say as a destruction to their sanity. Sometimes, I say things that meant the other way around not what they thought it was. Some just didn't like the way I offer my friendship. There are friends who really considered me as friends but left with no choice but to live their life different from mine. This is what life is all bout for me. The more I reached out for it to blend in with my dumbfounding life, the more it inches away and defy my existence. Ironic isn't it?

Anyway, sometimes talking helps. It's just a matter of knowing the proper use of modulation to get a better result from your audience. Specifically, in a relationship. The thing with relationship, though my knowledge may be little compared to others, even when you feel that your partner hurts you in a way that they don't know, you chooses to keep it to yourself and say nothing until everything piles up and explodes just to save both of you from arguing over something that doesn't really matter. But things are different from mine. As I have said, I am the kind of person that saying out loud what I feel be it positve or not is something that I have lived through. But it seems that no matter how nice I say it, it always gets mistaken for something. No, giving up is not on my list. I always do it although there are instances that I wanted to run away from it. And Im glad last night's was a triumph. I've made it through my target's heart. At least that's what I've seen. And I hope GOD would help me to be more understanding and mature and help me make my partner understand of who I really am and what I really want him to grasp. Im not a complicated person. If you look at me closely, you can see and know the real me. *ako si darna*

KL Trip and being mushy

Just got back from our KL trip and it's a bit tiring but I enjoyed being with my Mom and sister. We spent the whole saturday in KLCC, and although there's no good place to go to, still, it's not enough for us to explore more of KL. But I think my family enjoyed it though there's nothing much for them to see. We took a rest and drifted to sleep and woke up past 6. We weren't able to go to church bec it's already late. So that's it.

Btw, today's mother's day. And Im really glad that Mom's celebrating it with us. There's a flower delivery for her and she doesn't seem to be much of the "appreciative" person. But I dont mind. I know she appreciates it. She just didn't react the way Im expecting her to be. There's nothing much to say about our KL trip because we spent the whole trip shopping hehe. It's good to see my friends, Eian, Edward and Don and their little princess Iyah, who hugs me tightly the moment she sees me. Melts my heart really. *sigh* If not for that tiring 5-hr drive, I'll come by and visit them every weekend.

I miss my good friend Eian too. Especially talking about the good times we had. Those good times when we were still single and foolishly call ourselves as Charlie's Angels. Funny in a way. I miss my friends =( I miss Eian. I miss Annie. I miss Joey. I miss you guys. I may not have the courage to tell them how much I did miss them bec I dont want to sound too mushy, but GOD knows. It's very rare to find friends like them. Everything is fun sharing with them and being with them. Well, things are different now. Joey's in Manila, and I don't know if or when he's gonna come back. Eian's 7 months preggy and 5-hrs away from me. I still have Annie, though. But saddest thing is she'll be leaving for LA in 2 months time. =( And she's preggy
at the moment. People come and go, I know that. But few people have left footprints in my heart. And I'm just happy for them living their life to the fullest with a lot of achievements and blesssings to thank for. In a way, I envied them. The world keeps on revolving around them and mine just stays the way it has been. For another year, I will be doing the same routine. It's not that I dont like it. I just want something to change in my life - in a decent way.

How my day has been

I've been busy the whole day trying to do two projects at the same time. Both have deadlines. Both needs to be done immediately. My mind's been working all day and my capacity's maximum of four hours only! Harhar. I'm jsut really tired. But I really did have a lot of things to do. Considering the STRESS Im having right now. *Sigh* Anyway, I worked till 7pm then went to Kodak center to photocopy kendz's papers. 10 copies of each and Im holding about 10 pcs of papers. It's a lot but I know she really needs it. So I lazily do whatever I need to do. The man behind me was holding a piece of paper so I asked him to go ahead. After I've copied all the copies I need, i proceed to pay the amount. Then the man approaches me and told me im too kind. And he said a lot of nice things about me which I can't remember bec I was too busy thinking of what will I do next. Im too tired but I still managed to smile and nod along with all the things he was saying. He's a kind old man too humble to notice a simple gesture done for him and was nice enough to tell that person. It somehow made my day. Believe me I'm rude when people are getting nasty to me and being inconsedirate at times. But I respect elders and nicer to those who are to me. Maybe this meant to teach me to be more patient to other people. From Kodak, I went to NTUC to buy few things my Mum asks me to. *One of the things I'll miss when she went back to Manila sighhhhh* Then head back home. I feeellll soooo tired.

Converse

Although it's not entirely true, part of it I guess. To be able to get married, it takes two to tango right? And no matter how excited I am to get married if my partner's not, how will that possible? But come to think of it, deep inside me I know that I am just excited with the thought of getting married and not being married. I still have huge responsibilities and I can't take another one if my first is not done yet. Am not blaming him for putting all his obligations on my shoulder, although there are times that I think of the what-if's. Things happen for a reason. And there are reason why Im still single at the age of 28 (going 29 this year!). I'm enjoying my life and whatever it is that comes along my way may it be bad or good, I'll try not to blame it on the strings of my past but accept it as it was how my life was design by GOD.

Stress

Mind's so stressed this morning. My agent just called me and forcing me to decide if i'm going to renew my contract for another year. I really can't decide just like that. I was relying on the 10% we agreed upon before I signed the 2 + 1 contract. No increase for the first 2 years and 10% on the 3rd. The problem is they don't want to give it. I've talked to my boss and he confirmed what my agent told me. Houston, we have a problem. Huge! Arrrggghhhh, it's killing my diminutive brain hehehe. Plus I'm thinking about my CPF contribution for my 2nd year will be 24% of what I earn so this is a tough thing for me to decide. I know that the CPF will also be mine in the end like a force savings and it will be no problem for me if im only thinking of myself. I have family to support to. I can't afford to take any risk just like the previous years of my time. Everytime I need to sign another contract I've been looking outside for another job because I want a new thing in my life. Been bored working for the past four years doing the same work. I want to "upgrade" my skills but it's something that i can't afford to do. I've been praying to GOD to give me guidance and i know when i talked to my agent again *she gave me until 12 before lunch* what I'll decide is what GOD wants me to do. And i know it's the right one. Please enlighten me! =(

False hope

The bliss of a few minutes conversation puts false hopes once again that the acrimony slowly melts down. Anticipation rises up with every sound that aikon makes hoping that it will always be that someone. But that chat only happens when time steals away the tedium and the last resort will always be you. Funny how loathe ends up with hope when few words were spoken and sweet voice were heard. Dont pray for something to happen that could only make you jovial in less than an hour but desire for that bliss to be forever with you. The glee of not waiting in vain for that someone to take notice of your existence and the serenity of being in your own world not depending your happiness to someone who never had the slightest notion of what you're going through. Standing alone, stranded on the same ground.

I Dont Wanna Be Your Friend

Yeah, I've finally let go for the meantime of Kitchie's Same Ground to listen to Nina's Live Album. Now I'm hooked with this song of hers "I DONT WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND". I got this lyrics from my friendster account but have no idea that it was a song. And when I listen to Nina's rendition this morning, i got addicted. I don't know who the original singer is but whoever she or he is, it's a good song and composition. 5 Stars. Thumbs up. Of course you can't be hooked to something if you can't relate to it. I mean, especially in songs, there are songs that they as if speak mostly of what you have been through. Really, the best thing to forget someone who havecaused you pain is to stay away from them for a while until you get over them. I've been there many times before. I can still remember how hard it is. I've been friends to some and acquaintance to most. But none of it was easy to forget. People, they say, come and go in your life. Some leave footprints some just pass by like a wind. Some were unforgotten because of the things that help you remember them or the pain they've caused you.

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear u say that you'll stay in touch baby

I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

You take it casually, and baby it's killing me
I'll get by just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend
I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me
Don't come around
Don't wanna be your friend...

Sunday Blessing

Sunday before lunch, day after my Mom and Sister got here in Singapore, I called home to see how my 2 other kidz are doing.

Me: "Hello?"
Other Line: "Hello?"

It was a man's voice... very familiar....

Me: "Dadi..."
Other Line: "Sino to?"
Me: "Girlie. San mga bata?"
Other Line: "Ay wala si kris teka eto si apple"
Me: "Ano pong ginagawa nyo?"

Yeah, I suddenly remember my "po" as my sign of respect.

Other Line: "Naglalaba"
Me: "Waw magkano bayad sa inyo?" I said, of course joking and fooling around.
Other Line: "Niloloko mo ko ah"
Me: "Ngayon ko nga lang kayo naloko eh"

I hope I have not offended the man. And I hope he was there to "really" look after my 2 younger sisters and not hoping to get something in return. (He promised to come by our house whenever he has time to look after my 2 babies) I know him. I've known him all my life and from this time I have all the reason to doubt him. But still, I wanted to give him a chance. Maybe the time has really come. It's funny how 10 years ago, I was begging and making a deal with GOD that I'll do anything just to make the man go back to us. And I did everything that He desires me to do. I took care of what He asks me to do. And lately I realize, that He did what He had promised me, only to find out that what I wanted then was different from what I want now. But honestly, I always have this longing inside me to have him back again for the sake of having someone to call "Daddy" again. Now that he's here, the bliss and contentment was filled. That there's a man again in our life that we could call "Daddy" again. Some people find it hard to grasp the notion of taking him back again in our home, and I do too honestly, but maybe it's just right if they just feel happy for us. Some things happen the way we dont want them to be. But it's there for a reason. GOD's reasons. We're taking things the way GOD wants us to be. There's no reason for anger to take place at this point in time. It'll just be senseless.

Mom & Kendz in SG (Apr 2005)

DAY ONE
I woke up a little bit early than my usual and I don't know why. The plan of going to 12pm mass was move back to 6pm bec my mom and sister was still sleeping. We took our lunch and head off to ORCHARD ROAD at Hello to get my sim card. We stroll along the Orchard Road, took a bite at MARCHE then went to CHURCH OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD. It was very humid and my mom's not feeling well so we have to head back home. As soon as I got home I scratched off Orchard Road, Marche and Good Shepherd Church from my list of places to go and things to do with my familia. Ciao!

DAY TWO

The word "Familia" will always be included in my blog for a month. Familia = Mom, Sis, Me, Bebikoh.
I feel like walking around naked without my handphone. I just realize how I've depended much on my hp. *sigh* Anyway, I ask Kendi and Mom to meet me at the City Hall MRT Station after office and I was worried that they couldn't find it but they did. Familia (less Bebikoh bec he was still in the office) with cuz aidz went to IKEA then had our dinner at BOAT QUAY. (Btw, got connected to the world again yipeee) We ordered baby kailan, prawn with oats, baby squid and of course CHILLI CRAB which mom likes best inspite of hating it later because of the chilli (after she finishes off her food!). The scrumptious dinner led to a cup of black coffee as soon as we got home. Ciao!

DAY THREE
Am not feeling well today so we just stayed home :(

DAY FOURBeen up all night crying with the usual pain. I really hafta go back to that gyne. I had an appointment a month ago but I thought I was already ok so I cancelled it. (I did not go actually without cancelling it, bad bad bad) And so MC is a must for me again today. Woke up around 11 cuz I can't waste a good day sleeping especially with mom and sis around. (Though it feelllsssss really good to be pampered by your mom again hehe) By three in the afternoon, we went to see a doctor to get my MC. Met cuz jun then went to CHINATOWN. I took one tablet coz I dont wanna ruin the rest of the day. Bought my mom and aunt a ring and a few pasalubongs. *katsing* Went back to Orchard to HMV Heeren to have me and mom's ears pierced and my sister's nose pierced. I was thinking of having it too but when I saw her almost cried in pain I backed out. Hehe. Im a coward! Sissy little me. Anyway, we stopped by at Burger King to have a few bites then went to SUNTEC CITY to meet Bebikoh. While waiting for him kendz and me print out a few shots from my phone at the Kodak kiosk. [picture] Had our dinner at CRYSTAL JADE then cup of coffee at home and after Amazing Race (Ron & Kelly was lucky its was a non-elimination round, whew close call and what's more they won a 20 grand worth of travel from travelocity... how some people lucky can get when they were at a close call of getting a bad luck) we went to INSOMNIA. We stayed till the end of the 2nd set of the band and I had introduced Mike and Malou to mom and sis. I hope they enjoyed the night. And I hope they're enjoying their stay here.

DAY FIVE
After office, we went to Lucky Plaza. We bought few keychains for pasalubong and had our merienda at GP. Then stroll along Orchard Road while waiting for bebikoh. Mom and sis said they're getting tired of going out hehehe and so we decided that by next week we'll just stay at home and cook which is very very fine by me hahaha. Anyway, we'll go out on weekends so they will still get to visit the places I've listed down. Ciao!!

DAY SIX
Mom and Sis just stayed home because we had a Bowling Tournament in the office. My score sucks hehehe

DAY SEVEN

By 3pm we reached the top of Mt Faber and purchased a ticket for the Cable Car ride to Sentosa. It was fun, really, seeing how my Mom enjoy her first ride to something that scares her at first (i dreaded heights too hehe) nevermind my sister who doesn't seem to much of an appreciative person hehehe. We took a bus ride, since the Monorail is under renovation, to the Underwater world and bought 4 tickets. We watched the Dolphin show first which Mom appreciates very much. She's like a kid who's very easy to please with about anything. And how I love my Mom every single day she's here. After Underwater world, we took a bite at Burger King, my mom's fave, then watched the Musical fountain's last show. It was very tiring. But the soreness of my feet and the aching of every single bone in my body fades away in an instant seeing how my mom enjoys everything. And I always thank GOD for these things, these blessings that me and my family were having.

DAY EIGHT
Today's agenda - Singapore Zoological Garden. I purchased the "Park Hoppers" ticket for $30 including the entrance fee to all 3 - Singapore Zoo, Night Safari and Jurong Bird Park. At the middle of our "journey", had merienda at KFC then took a tram ride back at the entrance because it was raining. After the Zoo, we waited until 7pm for the night safari. So we had a congee and a wanton soup which my Mom and sister enjoyed then head off to Plaza Singapura (Carrefour) to buy few things we need. By 11 were finally home. After eating (again), which I think will continue for the next 3 weeks *arrrggghhhhh Im gaining weight already!!!*, took a rest then shower. Sleeping time!!!! *whew finally... my bed ahhhh... i never notice how good my bed and pillow feels hehe*

DAY NINE
The plan going to Jurong Bird Park was moved to 14th of May. I've managed to extend my Mom's stay here for another week yippeeee!!! I hope my sister can find a job here. We stroll around Orchard mostly at Takashimaya. Bought a few things *katsing* hehehe. We all had CHICKEN RICE for dinner at Takashimaya's basement. Walk, walk walk. Im tired haayyyy. By 10pm we're home. It's already 1 in the morning and I haven't showered yet. I don't want any eyebags arrrrgghhhhh.

DAY TEN
Just stayed home... I feeeelllll sooo tireddd...... =(

DAY ELEVEN
Watched "Kingdom of Heaven" at Plaza Singapura then had dinner at Kopitiam. And it's already 2 in the morning and Im still up - blogging. Am hooked and getting addicted by it. Hafta take shower and then rest. Night!

Same Ground

My sister brought me CD's of Kitchie Nadal and Nina - Live! Im listening to Kitchie's at the moment. And I've been playing the "SAME GROUND" since this morning. Soothing to the ears. I like it. No. I LOVE it!!! Tell you more about the others when I decide to stop listening to Kitchie's Same Ground. =) Ciao!

[verse:]
My love,
Its been a long time since I cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard
Leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange I never would've
Wanted 'till there was you.

**'cause I have learned that love is beyond
What human can imagine,
More it clears the more I have to let you go.

[chorus:]
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling
So bad now when I know it was my idea.
I could've just denied the truth and lied.
But why am I the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?

[repeat verse except **]

'cause I have learned that love is a
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I would never ever have to if

[repeat chorus]

When else fail,
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fail,
Would you be brave
To see right through me?

Melancholy

the melancholy slowly rips her heart to bits. she tried to converse as she passes by like a gentle breeze. with each new day she tried to keep up, but the world is busy to listen to her grieve. she tried to stop someone but she ended up listening. she loves to listen but her heart is full. and so she travelled along with the wind. to where she will go, she didnt know.

Torn

How would u help someone close to you who was suffering emotionally? How would you let them know it'll be ok in the end? Of course they very damn well know that everything happens for a reason. Pain is different when you're the one feeling it. You can say you're strong to anything that comes along your way but it's really far from what you've been into and what you've imagine it to be. You can only imagine what it's like to feel the pain but you can never really feel the pain.

I've been there, of course. Many times. But none of it makes me ready for anything that had happened to me. Each anguish is different from the other. Each has a different level. Each makes me cry, makes me feel like it's the end of the world for me, makes me feel like im nobody. Each breaks my heart and after all these years, still brings sadness everytime I remember it even if I've found a way to overcome it. You see, none of the quotes or advices or words of wisdom could make you feel better in a snap of a finger. It's a long process of healing but it'll heal in time. The important thing is how we managed to get up. Let's not let it be the reason for us to give up something so wonderful that GOD had given us - to love. Yes, most of the times we crave for something we can't have or we fall for someone who's not meant for us or the good things in life that we have suddenly be the reason of our pain. We love not because we have to. We feel it. And for once, I never regret knowing and loving a few, than never had the chance to love.

I can't tell you how I felt the pain you're feeling. I can't tell you how it's going to be ok or everything happens for a reason. I can't tell you any better words than that. But I'll be here. To listen. To cry with you. To let you know that there are people who cares about you. It's a lot of shoulders for you to cry on. All you need to do is choose. =)

Take your time to grieve, kiddo.

Tagalog

*expressing gibberish sentiments is more vivid writing it in Tagalog, which by the way is my native dialect, than writing it in english. =)*

Trabaho. Daldalan sa jologz rum. Alt-tab. Dalawang bagay na mahirap pilit pinagsasabay habang tenga'y sinaksakan ng irpown ng mga kantang hindi mo malaman kung saan nanggaling. Ilang segundo mo pa lang papatugtugin, kahit nanalo ka pa ng swipstek, hihigupin nitong parang yakult ang kaligayahan mo kung meron man. Naranasan mo na ba yon? Yung minsan kahit wala kang problema bigla ka malulungkot dahil lang sa isang kantang napakinggan mo sa player mo o sa dyip o sa kung saan pa man? Lintek na kantang to, ala naman akong problema sa buhay (meron pala pero d ganon kalaki para humagulgol ako noh) pero parang ang bigat bigat sa kalooban. Sa isang araw na nakadiket pwetan ko s kinauupuan ko, ilang oras din yun, mga sandaang beses ko ata patugtugin mga kantang makabagbag damdamin. Teka ha iisa isahin ko. Think of Laura ni Kenny Loggins, Wag na Wag mong sasabihin ni Kitchie Nadal, Afraid for Love ni Lea Salonga, What Matters Most ni Kenny Rankin, saka Until I find you again ni Richard Marx. Sa loob ng 3 araw yan lang laman ng player ko. Wala ni isa mang nakakarelate sa buhay ko sa mga kantang yan sa ngayon, noon cguro pede pa. Ewan ko ba trip lang siguro? Siyeetttttt, kakaaning to pahreh. Mahilig naman ako sa alternatib myusik pero sadyang may mga panahon ata na sentimental ka lang. Sows. Think of Laura? Halllerrrr?!?!? Pampatay kaya yun! Kung ako buntis baka ginamit na ng anak kong lubed yung ambilical cord nya. Yun lang. *Bow*. Haayyy, cge makikinig pa ko. Ciao...

Budget Airlines

I can't hide the anticipation of spending longer than the usual 1 week with my family. Thanks to budget airlines like Tiger Airways , though I haven't heard any feedback of how convenient and comfortable it is, but still spending almost half of the usual fare is a big savings. 9 days to go!!! Yeyyyyy...

Jologz Rum

All the stuff that I do five times a week are boring, routine way of my survival in Singapore. Though, I must say that I have lived my life in a way that I aspire it to be, still, doing those things for the past five years of my life, doing the same work everyday bores me sometimes. And I must say that the "rum" have been a big help to spice up a bit our boring days at work. Here, we can be serious or be nasty or just talk about happy times. It had helped me to know my colleagues fully and considered them now as my very good friends. Some were married, some were single. Talking about life, about anything under the sun. I have learned a lot. Topics like laf, kras, being married, having a bebi, things that matter to us when we were still kidz, tsisi moments, anything! Words like "ayan", "etong tanong", "tenchu", "npbia", "wakana", "orayt", "gga", "haylafyu", "kaofens" and a lot more. It's like we've created our own lingo of some sort that only the "privileged members" can understand. Well, I can't imagine my life without these people who have somehow touched my life and had made a difference to some of my outlook in life. They have helped me boost my confidence, turn my "bad hair days" into a smooth one, they had helped me value even more the good things in front of me, they talked to me when stress is pinning me down, though sometimes, i admit that there are jokes that offends me, but most of it brought a smile to my face. =) Friendz are one of the valuable things in life that we can't afford to miss or lose. And Im glad I have them. Haylafyu@all.

The Emancipation of Mimi

Emancipation - liberation; setting free; release;

Finally!!! I have now a copy of Mariah Carey's new album. I bought it at HMV. Guilt-free. Spending 22 bucks is nothing compared to the bliss that I felt just listening to her music. But I thought she looks like Christina Aguillera on the cover. No doubt she had release the sexiness in her. She's a goddess! Oh well, I love Mariah. Not everyone loves her, though. I remember the first time I fell in love with her. I was watching MTV and then they show this video of her singing "HERO", wearing black pants with her usual big hair but verrrrryyyyy sexy. That's the first time I heard that song, first time I saw her on TV, first time I knew there's a good singer named Mariah Carey. Sigh. I just adore her. Anyway, here are some of the songs that I like: It's Like That, We belong together, Get your number (i thought she's singing it with Nelly coz it soundz like one of Nelly's songs), To the floor (now with Nelly), Circles (very mariah), I wish you knew. So, go and get your own copies now. Ciao!

She's suppose to have a concert in Singapore back in May 2004 and I'm all set to seeing her and hearing her voice in person but to my dismay, it was cancelled dues to SARS. I was devastated. I hope anytime this year she'll have a concert here in Singapore because whatever it takes I'll buy a front seat ticket!

Five Things

Five things you may not know about what i do in a typical day
1. on weekdays, i always set up my alarm clock to 6:45 (so that i could have extra 15 mins) but ends up waking at 7:30! (and im always late for work)

2. on my way to work (that is if i woke up early which is very very seldom), i always carry along with me a book to read.

3. my coffee routine: at home before i leave for work, at the office before i start working, in the afternoon to keep me awake, and in the evening after dinner.

4. in the office i start my day listening gospel songs on my mp3 player. (one of my favorites are deeper in love, above all, potter's hand, as the deer, kids in worship and now i dance) and when my "tank" is full, i switched to creed, green day, linkin park.

5. on a sunday, i snooze till 1 or 2 in the afternoon and 3 if i went out clubbing the night before, then do household chores with bebikoh, take a relaxing bath (doing some of my vain things), attend mass at 6pm, dinner, loaf around till sleeping time.

ABNKKBSNPLAKo?!

ABNKKBSNPLAKo?!  Aba nakakabasa na pala ako

I stopped reading "Trading Up" for a moment and opt to finish the book that cich lend me. Some lines were cliched but mostly taught about what kind of life we have during our school days. While reading, sometimes I cant help but smile remembering my good 'ol days in school. From the nutri-bun (a kind of bread), to name calling of teachers, to kinds of students, to having new set of things whenever school opens, to assignments, to projects, and to the very details that "make" us a student. Bob Ong, the author, is a genius for creating such book as this. I've finished reading his other book "Ang alamat ng gubat" and pleading cich to lend me the "Libro ni hudas". Ah, the perks of reading. Always satisfies me and serene my oh-so-stressful-life. As i always say, so many books so little time. Ciao!

Norah Jones Concert

bebikoh and i watched the norah jones' concert on sunday night with couples annie and patrick *who'll be getting married on wednesday, whohooooo!*. i feel like in a trance or something from hearing her voice. it was so far from listening to her cd's. she can make her audience laugh in a very charming way but you can still see her coyness.

every song touches my heart, especially the "One Flight Down" and "Don't know why". norah jones has brought class and taste back into music industry. im not a fan of jazz music, actually. im more of a Linkin Park-Green Day person. But when she sings, I felt some sense of relief. Anyway, like all good things in life, it came to an end. It only lasted for less than 2 hours but it was the best concert ive ever been to. it was such a good night.

Between Love and Responsibility

I find it very amusing to read a cheesy article like Joe D' Mango's. But each word from his advises melts my heart and taught me, somehow, in a way, few things in life especially in love. *Hey don't argue with me... I'm sentimental, I know!* I promise in as much as I can to update my blog every week with one of his article. (Source: http://www.inq7.net) Read on.

DEAR Joe,
It's been seven years since I met Marco, the man of my dreams. I was a high school senior and he was in college. He respected me, loved me, and took care of me. I thought things would be perfect for us, until one day Marco told me to forget him. I was shocked. Had I become a bad girlfriend? Then he confessed that his ex-girlfriend Marla was two months pregnant.

Joe, I never expected how much it would hurt. He married Marla and became a responsible father. Meanwhile, I graduated, moved on and went to the US.
Now it's been five years, and I'm back in my hometown. I looked for a job and met people. I actually met Marco once on the busy streets of Makati. We were both speechless. We had coffee, and I was excited to be with him again. Then I saw the wedding ring on his finger. It reminded me that he was already married. All he said was sorry. I looked straight into his eyes, and I wanted to scream and tell him how much he had hurt me. But his eyes melted my heart as and I felt instead like I wanted to kiss and hug him.

I asked him how he was. He told me he was fine, that he had one kid and didn't plan to have another. I was surprised when he told me the name of his daughter—it was my name. I was really touched and ended up crying. All these years, Joe, I thought I had moved on, but I was wrong.

He told me he loved me still. I never dreamed I would consider being a mistress. I could take him away from his wife but I couldn't take him away from his daughter. Now I'm so confused. I know which is the right thing to do, but I'm having a hard time ignoring him. I love him, Joe. I really do.

Sincerely yours,
Kathy


Dear Kathy,
There comes a time when the only way to love a person is not to love him at all. Marco sacrificed his own happiness for a responsibility he owed his ex-girlfriend and her child. His commitment to his responsibility outweighed his commitment to your relationship. But, as many would say, true love will always have a way of working its way back, no matter how long it has gone or how far it has been.
Marco said he still loves you. It is easy to blame him for leaving you. But he had his reasons and his reasons were noble. He had to sacrifice his own happiness for a child who is going to bear his name. That meant making a decision, and when he walked down the aisle with the mother of his child it also meant that he would not look back anymore.

When your paths crossed again, he saw what he missed. But marriage doesn't have any room for a second love. You have a place in his heart but not in his life now. That is the sad fact. And no matter how much love there is left in your heart, you will still have to be bound by reason and principle. As you said, you could never take him away from his daughter.

Kathy, not all fairy tales have happy endings. You have moved on and this brief interlude with a lost love should not keep you from going. Marco has his own life and family now. You could have a home in his heart forever but you should keep yourself from breaking into his real home. He belongs to someone else now, and you should, too.

Remember that no matter how long we have waited and failed, there will always be someone out there who will love us the way we want to be loved. There is always someone out there whom we can walk with and share our joys with. There is someone meant for us. All we have to do is believe that there is and give ourselves the chance to find it.

My Sunday Moment

Yesterday, we went to Boys Brigade to attend a "Worship Service". I don't have any notion of what was it all about. I just remembered once, my friend telling me something about it like the Israel and passover and some few things i can't remember. And so when he invited one of our friends, I decided to "tag along" and give it a try. I can honestly say that I enjoy every minute of it. *Well except for the part that I couldn't say* The place and the people gave us a very warm welcome that I could not resist but felt the peace and happiness of the people around us. I love listening to other people's laments and happiness because I always end up learning something. When the "sharing" part comes, I have trouble finding myself talking in front of many people. I have so many things inside my head that I wanted to share at that time but I can't talk just like that. I hate talking in front of many people. Plus the fact that I'm very emotional. I might cry and create a scene and make a fool out of myself. Maybe when the right time comes along. Who knows, I might continue attending the Shekinah (A hebrew word for manifest presence of GOD) or whatever they call it. (I know I still need help on this). Have to know what the church is all about! Oh by the way, I will still go to a catholic church every Sunday... Tenchu koks!

Friendster

Everytime I go through my friendster account, I can't help but feel sad. seeing the familiar faces of the people I love tells stories to be remembered, memories that some are of pure bliss and some have brought us pain. It allows me to feel vulnerable, like it's hitting my weakest spot until it's tender enough to break. Everytime I see all those faces, I'm reminded that there are only few who've actually asked how I've been and my incessant hankering for one, just ONE anything-under-the-sun conversation lingers like a stomach pain that won't go away. Friendster was made to reach out to those people who you've never had any contact with. For me, it's a constant reminder of how i've acquired a lot of so-called "friends" but only few really considered me as one. Those who really know the proper time I needed one...

Nhel

I was ecstatic after that "little talk" i had with my friend that saturday afternoon. He was, one of those people I've hurt so much but didn't have the chance to apologize. We've been together for less than a month and all I have were the letters and sweet notes that he have given me as a reminder of how he have been true to me. And for over ten years, inspite of what I did, we remain to be friends, good friends as I may say. And for this, I never failed to thank GOD for giving me so much blessings in my life.

Nel, always remember that you will always be special in my heart. GOD made us see the way to true happiness but sometimes in life for us to be able to see the beauty of what was in front of us we have to walk a few steps back to help us appreciate it even more. GOD had showed us the way to two different special people but still managed to leave us each other. I always thank GOD, for giving you the happiness that you truly deserve in Mel's loving presence, for giving you to me as a treasure that I'll forever keep, for giving me someone I never thought of deserving to have. And I'm forever thankful for we have both found the piece of our missing puzzle. Labsyu! Forever, Mel, my family, Rommel and I will always be here for you. God Bless!

Soulmate

I've asked few friends of mine what they thought of "SOULMATE". What does it mean and what comes first into their mind when this word pops suddenly into a conversation like this? And if anyone of them believe in it? Of course, different reaction from different people. Different views. Different beliefs. Some reacted, well, not violently, but almost *pis@ano*. Some may believe that this word is true. Some think of it as a waste of time. But if you look at the true meaning of the word "soulmate" it will surely stir the minds of many.


Nene-> do u blv in soulmate?
koks-> kelangan mag agree mona tayo dun sa definition bago tayo mag agree at disagree
benga-> malalim yan
maxx-> solmeyt = old frens yun souls nyo
cichlyd-> literally yun yun -> soul mates
benga-> pde rin kc soulmnate mo nanay mo tatay mo
Nene-> niniwala ka?@mmb
benga-> uu la nmn mawawala e *orayt*
cichlyd-> ko den
maxx-> bat date alan naman sinasabing solmeyts? kelan ba nauso?
benga-> kc ngayon pag solmeyt laging magjowa
koks-> ano ibeg sabihen?
benga-> d nmn ganun yun
benga-> ayon sa guni-guni un daw e iisang kaluluwa na napaghati kaya pag muling nagtagpo
Nene-> bakit nga ba may soulmate pa?
maxx-> e di tayo naniniwala sa reincarnation ah
benga-> kc sa catholic ndi pinaniniwalaan un
cichlyd-> wag nyo na kasi masyadong palalimin yung meaning
koks-> teka, i -establish muna naten ang meaning bago pagtalunan kung agree o hinde
koks-> korek, ke mababaw o malalim na meaning importante maliwanag sa lahat ang pinauusapan
koks-> pag nagkaganun, wala kang ma establish na universal truth everyting is relative
koks-> yun nga eh, aanhin mo ang opinyon kung iba iba ang basis
koks-> di ko alam kung ano yang soulmate , kaya nga kanina ko pa nitataong kung sino makakapag define
cichlyd-> ok ang depinisyon ko ng soulmate ay ganito
cichlyd-> yung tipong prenjie ko tas hindi na namin kelangan magpaliwanagan o magsabi minsan sa isat isa alam na namin ang gusto naming dalawa tas yung mga pagkakataon na yun napapadalas minsan
cichlyd-> basta mararamdaman mo e
Nene-> niniwala k s soulmate ende dahel sa religion del don s nararamdaman mo?
cichlyd-> uu@nene
cichlyd-> set aside ang religion
tsiskeyk-> soulmates - being with a person that u dont know, but feels like u know him/her all your life. overwhelming and wonderful feelings that u cant explain when ur with the person, u cant even call

I don't believe in this, actually. No reason at all. I just dont happen to believe that there is, err, such thing as soulmate.
Maybe some of you have an opinion on this?

Religion

With a group of friends, there were times that you can't help but talk about religion especially at this time that our dear beloved Pope just passed away. I don't intend to pass this kind of topic because i have so much in my mind. Im not saying that I am good at this or Im too confident enough to say that I know so much better than others. As a matter of fact, I still crave for these kind of knowledge. But sometimes, I just don't see why some people choose to insist what they believe in to others who are not on the same "road" as they are. I know I still have a lot of things to learn, and maybe just by listening I could learn more. But I couldn't help but think, yeah sometimes I need to listen but mostly, all I need is my faith to GOD that what we have between us is enough for me to know that I don't need to learn more from others. By experiences, HE had been my sole teacher from the things that if humans like me would taught me, it would confuse me even more. I may not have enough in my hands at the moment, but GOD will fill everything I need to know. Im not as strong as others. I am weak. But GOD will make me. He had made me for the past years of my life. So, in as much as I can, I tried not to judge other people from what they believe in or what they do. But hey, this only applies for me. *wink*

The OC's last episode of Season 1

Last night we were watching THE OC in dvd, season 1. And all I did was grab a tissue and wipe the gushing tears down my face. It's like I can't just stop crying. It's the last episode where Ryan bids goodbye to his "adopted family" because he have to go back to chino with Theresa who happens to be pregnant. It was the saddest episode ever! I vividly recall all my friends who've left not because they want to but because they have to and "choice" is not a powerful word for them at that moment. But whenever someone is leaving, I always end up thinking over and over again "why is it more painful to be the person being left behind than the one leaving?". I feel more compassion to those people. Because they're the one's who don't have the power to make someone stay. They dont have the choice but to shed tears and relive the remnants of the memories with that very same person. Living their everyday life with the could-have-been's and feeling so empty without the other. It's so hard to be at that end of the rope but things always turns out fine, gradually. As long as you know that what you once have will remain in your heart...

Lindol

Quarter to 11 last night while am at home with my friends, I thought I just felt dizzy. And then my friend said "lumilindol wag kayong gagalaw". I was really scared. It lasted for I don't know how long but to me it feels like eternity. I was frantically crying inside my room with my cousin. I don't know why I cried but I really really felt so sad at that moment experiencing one thing i feared the most and my bebikoh was not there. After all Ive been through, I thought I can live my life alone without anyone else. But I was so wrong. I have build my life around the few people that matters to me - My family and my bebikoh. Without them I am nothing. They are the reason of my existence, of my strength, of my every smile. I haven't watched any news yet. And as selfishly as I have been and Im asking GOD's forgiveness about it, because of fear I forgot to think of other people. I only reached out to those few people that really matters to me. And when I heard from my friend who have read the news, 300 people died in Nias, Indonesia, it strucks me that I never thought of other people. I didn't even utter a prayer for them last night. This really makes me sad. =(

Blogging

I guess this was meant to help people like me to overcome sadness and feeling alone and not having someone to talk to. I always mumble about how things were going on with me at the moment but it always passes by the wall like a wind. Nobody levels to the depth of my being. No one knows me better. To them, I am just an acquaintance, of no importance at all. Of what my personality consists only of those that hurts them. They do not see what is beyond those words. Maybe to them I am really not a friend. Because they don't know me. Or maybe I always say the wrong choice of words. I never had any hatred in my heart. Things happen and I let them be. But I can't help but be hurt when they do nothing but accused me when i am way too far being the person they thought I am.

Sentimental Fool

Today I'm feeling emotional. Maybe sign of old age hehehe. I don't know. I'm feeling sad and feeling vulnerable. No one to talk to. My bebikoh's busy with his work besides I know no one will understand me. Im just sad... Too sad. Happy in a way that my friend Annie have accomplished so many great things this year including two essential things a woman wants. Sad because anytime now she'll be leaving for LA. There's email, yeah, but it's different. Although I know that even she just stays 3 floors below from us and we don't see each other that much, the feeling of she's just there is always enough to bring me bliss. First, my dear dear friend Joey and then Eian, now it's Annie. The good times that we had will always be here in my heart, guys. Maybe that's the reason why pictures are invented. To keep the happy memories alive. To let us always see the good times of our friendship. Not the misunderstandings, or the times that we never had any communications, or the little things that we argue about. And that's what Im keeping here in my heart. Because friends, for me are important. I may not have that skill of keeping them or letting them know that they matter to me, GOD knows how they have changed me, how they have brought me tears and much happiness.

I know nothing in this world is permanent. Nothing will stay even if you asked or want them to. Im just glad and thankful to GOD that I've come along the path where they were. Im glad that Ive known few people I called friends and few I called best friends.

Coming Back

When things that you were thinking back when you were still at the stage of "im-still-hurt-don't-ever-think-of-coming-back" keeps playing in your ahead a few months ago and then things suddenly turning out fine, I can't suppress this happy feeling inside me. The pain of yesterday's wounds have healed little by little but not entirely. I dont know if my bliss lies to the notion that there's someone i can call "dad" again or knowing that my mom will finally get the happiness she truly deserve. Truly when you love someone it will always restore all the anguish you've felt, no matter how much it is. We can't accept him right away at our home just like that. Things will happen little by little. And if my mom accept him, there is nothing we could do but to pave way to the happiness of our mother. I just hope that he's back because he realized what he had done and he still loves my mom. Not because he sees something that will benefit him. Im sorry if I doubted him this way but i know that i'll be more sorry if i knew i was right. God sure knows when to pick you up and gives you so much joy that you don't deserve. =)

Regrets

There were these times in my life that I asked myself, what if i have made a different decision that would produce a different outcome, and would go the other way around? I tried to live my life as it is, without any regrets, without looking back to the what if's and could have been's of my life. But there were "things" that I can't help but hate that I have drowned myself in a pool of mud that I created. Where I've hurt some people I don't intend to put into so much pain. Where I could say that If only I've been so sane enough not to put up with such mess. Maybe things really happen for a reason. To teach me something or to make me realize that what I have in my hand are the best and they were God's gift to me. I crave to taste what others have to which have done nothing but lead me to pain and vast misery. I may have lost a few that matters so much to me, but I know that I've learned my lesson well.

The hardest thing that life can offer

I've known them too long, as a couple, as partners. Whenever we attend parties, you can see them either in one corner or talking to other people. But they were there... together... with much bliss that can't be illustrated even by picasso. I am used to it. Everyone is used to it. I see them almost every month together, not once one of them attended a party without the other. And then that changed. It's been countless times that she went to our place, alone. She had a smile on her face but it's different. I began to wonder why is he not around for a number of times. I asked her twice, she said he's working overseas. I don't know why I could not believe it. But something tells me that there's something wrong. But I let it pass. I wanted to ask but I can't just do that.

Yesterday, after our usual party-till-dawn event, she approach me. She told me everything. They can't be together now for some reasons. Tears kept flowing down my eyes. I can't help it. It's as if I was there watching her in pain, but I couldnt help her. I felt her pain. I know the feeling. And i know how hard it is. But pain varies for every person no matter how she or he can carry it. She's brave. I saw those eyes full of anguish but I see God's strength. They've been together for 6 years. I never thought things like this will happen just like that. I know things happen for a reason. I know that GOD has always something better for all of us. I know everything will turn out fine. But it's never easy to carry out so much pain. I've experienced it and yet the wisdom that this pain have thought me years ago just vanished. Instead I felt the grief that I once endure. I have not given her enough strength. I just sat there silently, weeping, responding only when she needs it. But I think, none of what I said, helped her. I wanted to but I wasn't strong enough. She's even stronger than me.

Things like these aren't new to my ears. They've been there all along, making it happen, making me realize, making me feel how things are when it comes to these kinds of predicament. But when it happens to you or to the people you love and cared about, you felt the twinge of pain as much as they are feeling it. It saddens me why some people have to endure pain such as this. Why things like this happen? Why do good people have to endure such agony? I know GOD will never leave her. It is not GOD who planned these things. Done by the people who never cared at all. Done by some who for some reason was trapped with choices. I don't know what I believe in right now. I don't know if being cynic about love will make a difference. I don't know if it'll be the same if I don't love much. I'm sad even if there's a lot of things that brings me bliss every second of my life. I felt alone even if I have the people around me who do everything to make me feel loved and important. I've been locking myself up in a place where there are no friends who could hurt me. Only GOD, my family and bebikoh matters to me. But sometimes it upsets me knowing that I love and value few friends but I don't know if I have made a way to let them know that.

Its true that a friend's agony will always be a ghost in you. Afraid of what you may become when you're at her shoes, maybe? Or losing trust to the ONE who could only give you strength? Im being sad and pathetic. But this is what I feel. This is my blog anyway. It'll go away sooner or later. I know it's not suppose to be a sad day or something bec it's heart's day, but I so can't help it. For now, thanks for listening, errr, reading...

Humbled

Feel so sad at the moment...

Everyday I tried my best to find time and watch the news. I know for some people who were still missing due to tsunami, hope will always be there. I feel their pain but compare to what they were facing, it's just a diminutive of what they have experience. Every night since that tsunami started, I shed tears. The number of dead bodies increasing, the number of people wailing putting up the littlest of hope that somehow amidst of the pile of the dead bodies they would see their family. Seeing the children lifeless, who will never had the chance to see what future lies ahead of them, breaks my heart. The whole world is watching. All aches for them. All longs to help. But up to what extent? Soon, the whole world will go back to its everyday life. But the people will always face the nightmare of what they've been through. They will live their second chance of life wondering how they'll get over the past. I, myself will go back to my own. Sure, I will never forget what the December 26, 2004 tragedy have brought us. But will I still think of the survivors? Of the Children? I don't know what's my point here. Im sentimental and that's my excuse! Maybe, programming is not really my thing. Anyway, a friend of mine shared to me this wonderful piece. A bit long but worth it. Read on...

HUMBLED BY NATURE'S POWER by William Rees-Mogg of The Times
WE SHALL never know how many people have been killed by the great tsunami in the Indian Ocean. No doubt the number of identified casualties will continue to rise, but there will be many more who are missing and there will be grieving families who gradually have to give up hope

This is a human tragedy on a huge scale, caused by the action of Nature rather than Man. It is said to be the worst earthquake in 40 years. Yet in its scale, and in the mixture of damage from the earthquake itself, and that done by the sea, it is the most awe-inspiring earthquake that has happened in a lifetime. No previous earthquake I can remember, has destroyed property and killed people across a whole ocean

The earthquake itself is said to be 1,000km in length; the seabed was opened up as though by a zip fastener; this event threw up a gigantic wave three storeys high, which travelled for thousands of kilometres

One can understand what happened as a result of the stress between two continental plates, but one can hardly imagine it. The force generated must have been as great as that of a thousand nuclear bombs; no doubt that can be estimated and will be.

It is not only the level of casualties that impresses human consciousness. We are accustomed to millions being killed in major wars - even the Iran-Iraq war, of which the world took surprisingly little notice at the time, caused well over a million deaths.

Aids kills by the millions each year in Africa alone and has killed a total of tens of millions already.

When all the figures are added up, it looks as though the tsunami may have killed a few tens of thousands. The statistics in themselves are not what shock us. It is the scale and force of the event, and its geographic character. If such an earthquake happened in Europe, we would be able to trace the fault from London to Rome, or to Berlin.

If a tsunami 10m high stormed its way up the Thames, half of London would be under water.

If such an earthquake ripped through the San Andreas fault in California, it would virtually tear the state in two, and cause trillions of dollars worth of damage.

We view with awe a release of power on this scale. We know that this power is greater than that of our species - nature holds us in its hands.

We may be able to mitigate some of the consequences; in some cases we may be able to give advance warning of the threat; but we are not in control; the tsunami has demonstrated this ancient truth.

There are lessons.

First, no doubt, is that we should extend through the Indian Ocean, and other areas of risk, the scientific warning system that exists in the Pacific.

If an alert coastguard in Sumatra had observed the earthquake, he would not have known who to warn in India or Sri Lanka, although they could have had a couple of hours' warning.
In the wealthier Pacific area there is an organised warning system, which has reduced the casualties from tsunamis.

The world will no doubt give aid to the areas that have been hardest hit.

In Sri Lanka alone it is reported that a million coastal people have suffered serious material damage.

The world needs to be generous. By and large, the tragedy has fallen on poor countries and tourists, not directly on the inhabitants of the wealthiest cities of the world.

This could have happened to Tokyo, New York, Los Angeles or even London. That is one reason for the great cities to dig deep into their pockets. They have been spared.

The disaster should also impel all the nations of the world to give further thought to the needs of the environment.

As it happens, global warming seems to have had little or no connection with this event. But the tsunami did mimic some of the effects that global warming is now expected to have.

The great wave, in an hour, told the world where sea levels might be in a century, or perhaps in a couple of centuries.

If the sea rises, it will flood the coastal areas of low-lying countries. Mankind has built a fragile home for itself, with the growth of the world's population, the exploitation of natural resources, the spread of diseases from overcrowding and modern transport, the dependence on modern technologies - some of which are very vulnerable to upheaval - and the tall buildings which are open to terrorism.

That fragility is the real danger of the modern world. Even after 911, the great cities of the world have continued to build symbolic skyscrapers that are almost as vulnerable as the twin towers in New York.

The biblical story of the Tower of Babel had been the blueprint for modern cities.

The tsunami mocks this pride.

Perhaps our modern skyscrapers would withstand, as some tall hotels have withstood, the rush of the water. But our global system has an arrogance that challenges the forces of nature.

It is as though mankind had decided to tweak nature by the nose to show who is the boss. The tsunami has demonstrated that nature, and not mankind, is still the real master.

It is ironic that the poor of the earth have taken the brunt of the suffering.

If a million people have had their homes damaged or destroyed in Sri Lanka, there will be another million on the coast of India and more again in Thailand and Indonesia, perhaps in the Maldives as well.

They will get some aid, but nothing like enough to make good their probable losses. The proud have had a lesson, but at the expense of the humble people of the earth.

Nature can be a brutal moralist.

Asia grieves - Phuket Tsunami

"imagine spending your christmas holiday under the sun beside the beach, relaxing and resting and taking your time off from working your ass off the entire year. you got, let's say 2 weeks, to relax and enjoy the hot sun. you look around, some were enjoying too like you with their families. those little kids doing their best to make a sand castle. the old couple walking hand in hand, pass you by while you just lie there and relax. with a smile on your face, u promise yourself you'll do it next year. and then suddenly, you heard people screaming. then u saw big wave as high as you can imagine. you saw woman crying. it happens so fast that you never even had the chance to react..."

my heart sank as i watched the news yesterday afternoon. thousands of people were killed. thousands were missing. thousands were injured. most of them were tourists. and here i am living my normal life. in front of my computer. unable to think and work. devastation fills my entire soul. the quake that shook some countries in asia. the killer wave that obliterates the beautiful beaches. the natural disaster that claimed thousands of lives and inflict injuries to a lot of people.

and then i thought what if i was there? i've been to phuket a year ago and the more i think of the what if's the more my heart bleeds with compassion and sympathy to those people who think of nothing but to enjoy, unwary that this vacation is their last.

the entire world was shocked. the end of the year is 5 days away and to those people welcoming the new year with such anguish and pain is so sad to think about. i wish there is something that i could do. i wishi could alleviate their pain from the loss that they've faced.

imagine this happens to the entire world. imagine that it's not just the end of the year that's coming. imagine it is indeed the end of the world. i can't think of it. i am not yet ready. emotionally and spiritually ... but i know that i still have the time and chance to be ready. i'll try and do my best. i will. Some things happen the way we least expect them to happen. May we always be ready - spiritually. May GOD bless us all especially those who passed away...

On a stormy day like this...

Everyday I go to Inquirer's website to copy the latest syobis or political news, and the paper's editorial but I hardly ever read anything of it. Not if something catches my eye, then that's the only time I'll read. Well, I love to read books. I love to read anything but news. Not because I don't care what's happening around me, it's just that I feel worst reading them. All the killings, anything that show's people revenge, terrorism, corruption, all these breaks me. Anyway, I do this everyday because we got this internal online pahayagan just for the pinoys and oh yeah, Im the so-called editor-in-chief. Im thrilled of course. This is another story.

So with the little free time that I have from working and trying to survive with my everyday life overseas, I rarely read and watch the news. But Mr. A does. He's so into it. Everyday in the morning, with his usual breakfast, he watches Channelnews asia or CNN. And he's my only "connection" from the outside world. =) But last night, when he told me about the typhoon that hit the northern philippines, I tried to watch and read the news.

I was devastated. Flabbergasted. Sympathetic. And then I cried. (Oh, don't worry, I cried a lot. I always do on sad movies. Yeah, on cartoons too, one time!) My country is experiencing a great loss. A lot of homes were destroyed, more than 900 people were killed, some were still missing, all due to the flashfloods and landslides triggered by the storm Yoyong or Nanmadol. (Funny how we still managed to name a ravaging storm like this) I can't imagine how the people who managed to survived in the storm could endure this kind of tragedy in their life. And you know what's worst than this? Feeling so much sympathy and yet not being able to do anything to lessen the pain they were into. The best thing you could do is cry for them because you can't do anything much. I guess I'm just being soft. But who won't be? =(

Let's just hope and pray that these people will be ok. That, albeit it's a great loss for them, they would still remain strong. God bless them all. May peace be with the souls of the departed. My deepest sympathy.

Spectre

there's a ghost inside me
that captivates my sanity
caused me unbearable pain
every night i cried in vain

the thought of you haunts me
that someday his eyes will see
your beauty, shining like a gem
with power stronger than stem

knowing you're around scares me
lurking through his beauty
like a dementor flying so free
taking away people's ecstacy

alongside's love is pain
pain caused by too much love . . .

Naiibang kapaskuhan

Panahon na naman ng kapaskuhan. Marami sa atin excited ng umuwi. Yung iba naglilista na ng mga pagbibigyan ng regalo. Nagkukwenta ng budget for the coming christmas. May mga nagdedecorate na ng christmas tree kahit november pa lang. Meron namang excited sa preparation para sa noche buena or any upcoming parties. May nagbibilang ng inaanak, iniisip kung sino ang possible na pedeng taguan. Iba ibang klase ng preparations. Iba ibang tao. Iba ibang pagiisip kung pano ise-celebrate yung christmas in a different way every year.

Pero meron ding mga tao na tuwing pasko dumodoble ang saya. Sa onting oras na may kahalong pagindak at pagkanta, ibang ligaya na ang makikita sa kanilang mga mata. Simpleng sanwits at mumurahing juice, maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw ang kanilang mga ngiti na di mo mamalayan, mas doble o triple pa palang saya ang nabibigay sayo. Sila sina lolo't lola. Mga taong naghahanap din ng yakap at halik sa noo kahit minsan sa isang taon lang. Mga taong nagaabang sa pintuan kada sasapit ang araw ng kapaskuhan. Kalahating araw mo'y katumbas na isang taon nilang kaligayahan sa mga nalalabing panahon nila.

Ang sarap isipin na ang pasko ay hindi lamang cinecelebrate dahil isa to sa mga okasyon na kinamulatan mo na. Minsan may nagtanong sa king tsekwa "what's gud in celebrating christmas? Is it the gift giving thing?". Napangiti ako. Hindi lang naman kasi iyon lang ang reason eh. Yung feeling ng nagbibigay ka ng saya sa kapwa mo. Yung feeling na parang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo mahal na mahal mo. Na lahat sa kanila ang nakikita mo lang kabutihan. Lagi kang nakangiti ng hindi mo namamalayan na pag may ibang nakakita sayo, kahit sabihing para kang sira, napapaganda mo din ang araw nila.

Ilang araw na lang pasko na. May mga tao mang hindi makakapiling ang mga pamilya o mahal nila sa buhay, marami namang tao sa mundo na nagiintay non. Tulad nina lolo at lola. Minsan dalawin natin sila. =)

Reverie

Im kinda feeling not so great at the moment. I regret not going to church today and Im sure no one will understand my reason.

Anyway, I just remember how my reverie was. It was so vivid that I felt like it just happened yesterday. Not clearly remembering though where I was only that I saw two little boys running from our door and hugging me. And then I saw him. Standing there. And then I woke up. With vast reasons as to how I had a dream about him with the two kidz, I wonder how and why after all these years, only then that Ive seen him in my dreams.

Or maybe, it has something to do with the card he sent two years ago. I found it yesterday while I was looking for old christmas cards. It doesn't make sense, though because I've never forgotten him eversince. I always have mixed emotions hearing his name. How would you ever forget someone who caused you so much? Most of my writings were ingeniously done bec of him. Most of the times we remember how we have lived our life through pain not through the wonderful memories that have made us a better person. Because sometimes pain make us stronger.

No matter what the reasons may be, I hope and pray that he's doing good. Especially my younger half-brothers.

A narrative of my own

if i could write a novel, it will be of my own
so other people will know of the things ive known
of how GOD works in His own mysterious ways
that only few can comprehend and see the rays

i would put the things that made me cry
of how i dealt and sometimes aim to fly
leave everything undone and run away
so anguish will get out of my way

i am not perfect and i am not strong
i give in to things that are so wrong
but GOD made me stumble from where i stand
He open my eyes to make me see where i will land

i will write not just for others to see
but a reminder that all throughout, GOD is with me
that pain and tears didnt leave me weak
fervent, standing tall, nothing but meek

Pain

Painful though experiences have been, they made us a stronger person, better able to understand the reality of life

Suffering has many dimensions, and perhaps the most common is physical pain. Everyone suffered it at some time, in varying degrees. It can be constructive: a useful warning that something is wrong or that some of our habits are unhealthy; it gives us a chance to correct things. A different kind of pain is emotional and spiritual anguish suffered by all of us when we lose a loved one. Bereavement disrupts the whole structure of our lives and throws us into chaos. It can feel similar to physical pain and indeed can cause it.

Analgesics can relieve the symptoms but cannot remove the cause.

Every relationship carries the possibility of pain: to risk loving someone is to risk the pain of losing them.

-------------

Some people seek to escape pain through pleasure, the abuse of alcohol or drugs; some are driven to despair and suicide. Some seek solace in religion while others blame God for their troubles and reject it all. Yet the experience of pain always has some positive aspects: it can increase our compassion for others, and our understanding of what other people may be feeling, even when their experience is different from our own.
- The tears of my soul, Sokreaksa S. Himm

Reading

By reading, I learned a lot. There are millions of books scattered around the world that some made me see what life couldn't bring me, some take me to places without leaving my own crib and spending a fortune, some, like a time machine, takes me to the year where I wasn't born yet, some fill my mind with historical knowledge, some open my heart to understand other people's feelings, some made me see the unfathomable reasons to some questions that was on my mind, some awakens my soul, some made my faith stronger than before, some creates chaos, and some confuse me even more.

I, for some reason, got addicted to reading. That sometimes, the "reading time" that i have is too short when there's a lot of good books to read. I took few hours time from my sleeping time just to be able to fill up the hanging questions inside my head. Sometimes, i wish that when i reach the age of 70, i will still have my good eyesight because i know by that time, i will have all the time to read. I jot down some good quotes or phrase that i stumble upon reading, so i will remember some of it when i grow old. Because I know, whatever happens, this notebook will be my only solace.

I've read a lot of novels. I've watched a lot of movies. I love anything and everything. There is no waste of time or not-so-good kind of movie or novel to me. Because each story gives me lesson to learn, a few lines that i can adapt and relate to and some lightens up my stressful days.

I know I'm not good at writing nor convincing other people to feel what I feel. It's just that when I am enthusiastic about something, I want other people to feel it too. And I know this article doesn't mean anything to you because this talks about what I am feeling at the moment and nothing that interests you. Anyway, before you get tired of reading me, may I suggest few good titles that you could read? Well some of it are the few ones I can remember. Even if you dont have the time, one page each day will be enough. Happy reading!

01. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
02. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
03. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
04. Timeline by Michael Crichton
05. Five People you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom
06. The Testament / The Brethren by John Grisham (or any of his book)
07. 11 Minutes by Paulo Coelho
08. Message in a bottle by Nicholas Sparks (or any of his book)
09. Can you keep a secret by Sophie Kinsella
10. To kill a mocking bird by Harper Lee
11. Cather in the rye by J.D. Salinger
12. Heavenly Man by Brother Yun
13.The Tears of my soul by Sokreaksa S. Himm

If you know any good book, please let me know...

Will you listen?

mind is preoccupied with quandaries
heart filled with love full of boundaries
to whom i would run and tell all my miseries

everyday i tried to fill the emptiness
trying hard to pick up the lost pieces
i cannot live my life with undone puzzles

soul longs for someone who could just listen
seeing me as a person in need instead of a fiend
not someone who will condemned me in the end

struggling to fight, battle is long
keeping the heart from what is wrong
fighting back the tears, sing the song

ill seek a place, where my heart can rest
where there is peace and there is no test
though im in pain, i'll do what is best

Itch

that itch that enfolds your beauty
to look at it without a stroke is a pity
sometimes i cannot hold it any longer
desire to give in, yearn for u to linger

ill be strong, i wont give up, baby dont fret
ur exquisiteness will flourish, future is set
not moving a muscle, adhere to where i stand
anticipation grows to see thy splendour grand

through the facet, i run my fingers
i close my eyes, i feel the hunger
gradually the delineation i feelshowing impression a moment could steal

*how i'll remember the work of art,the irritating itch not the hurt

Masterpiece

bearing a masterpiece is something
to some this represents an evil doing
convey a simple significance of art
people that are close to my heart

the pain i endure for years incised
symbol of great love and ecstacy lies
never it will ebb, eternally it'll remain
for thy profound meaning & beauty lies within

trembling with fear, i sit in a chair
will i endure the pain or run back to my lair
been through a lot of hurting compare to this one
in an hour, pain will subside ur beauty will reign

*for the art etched in my skin forever it will remain

I had it... finally!

Way back in high school, my first boyfriend had a tattoo one with my name on it and one with our name. He did it by himself actually, and I can say that he had inspired me or have been the sole source of my thinking that I'll have one on myself one day. But definitely not the name of a boyfriend. (Yeah we didn't end up together and I think his wife has been so jealous about it haha who wouldn't be?)

Anyway, a year later, Ive completed the concept. Still, the audacity of having it on my own skin was nowhere to be found. Until recently. Two weeks ago, I completed the design. Now it's here on my skin. I can't believe it! I've done it. Physical pain is way too far from having an emotional pain. Physical pain can heal within a month or so. Emotional pain can turn your life upside down.

I went to the parlor about 8pm. I haven't taken my dinner. And I was kinda shaky bec I knew it's really painful. I was cold actually. I'm suppose to have it near my belly button but the guy said that my design was meant for the back. He's suggesting to do a lot of changes on the design but i prefer not to. Because every inch of the design means something to me. So I had it. As the artist started the tattoo, I thought it was not that painful. It was irritating bec of the noise, though. But when he did stop for a minute, it was then that I felt the pain. I almost call my bebi (btw, he doesnt know it yet) but thought for a minute not to do so. It took us an hour to do it and I feel like it's burning my skin. I kinda feel proud about myself, though.

I created a poem before I had the tattoo... It explains the meaning of my design.
http://lairofeilrig.blogspot.com/2004/10/canvas.html
http://lairofeilrig.blogspot.com/2004/10/masterpiece.html

Canvas

each stroke of a brush
i feel my blood gush
drawing a thin line
carefully till its finegradually the image shows
depiction of life flows
treasures are neatly kept
with every single step

each side bears the waves of pain
every strike blazing like a flame
with the hands of God i stand still
helps me to endure and do not feel

engraved are letters of each gold
protect from anything as long as i can hold
with a white ink i stroke jaccr
epitomizing the purity of the heart

when the sun spread its rays and bring us light
ill prepare a day to do what will give me delight
a canvas to bear a masterpiece, a work of art
that forever will remain, be here in my heart

jaccr - my only reason for living.

Childish dream

do u realize how painful it is to care for somebody and never had the chance to show it to that person? how time is not on your side and is turning its back against you?no one is born to be a super hero. as much as i want to be on every living person that i care about, i just can't be at their side when they're in pain. i just can't. i have been assigned to take care of someone that is within my grasp and i know that is where i should focused my attention. i know that if i tried to extend my ability to what was beyond the things i can only do, it'll jst make things worst. no matter how sad i'll be for not doing anything and just sit here, i know it'll be best. sometimes the things u can't do were the ones that could make things easier and bearable. the pain that they have to endure helps them to be a better person. just as i have been. with the things ive done and the pain ive been through. without all of it, i won't know what kind of person i am now and i wont know what it is like to be hurt. like a child. to take their first step, they have to fall and they must know what could hurt them.

i guess now the only thing i need is something to cheer me up. something that could put back the rainbow in my sky. it'll be over and i wont realize it. i'll be fine. so is the person i cared so much about.

Where you'll be

to love that's so mysterious
to reasons some are oblivious
answers can't be found
meaning that are profound

feel the love, follow your heart
would it be still if it hurt
seek the remedy, cure the pain
some succeed, some are vain

cure your wounds, inflict venom to one
ur pain subsides, free to run
to someone, ur venom remains
creeping slowly through the veins

would it still be right?
to which you will fight?
the one that gives u delight
or the one that loves u inspite

sanity slowy ebbs away
renounce to this fray
silently u kneel to pray
to give you strength guide u all the way

Your love

every minute of the day
i pray fervently and say
this love i have if i may
forever it will stayu have show me great love
that i didnt deserve to have
my life is filled with rainbows
with its colorful shining rows

no matter how ur days are busy
when im in pain and sound too pushy
ur love gives me serenity
soothes my soul till eternity

Falling in love

falling in love is a mystery
how it happens, when it comes
why some loves grow
why some loves faillove must be taken
as an unfathomable gift
cannot be questioned
in its mysterious ways

love comes, love goes
when it leaves, it have to
reclaim not the love that is lost
accept it for what it was, move on

u cannot find answer
when there is none
there is no meaning
beyond love itself

love has its own time and season
its own reasons for coming and going
be glad that it came to live
for a moment in your life

Vessel

the stillness of the sea on a cold dark night
a boat slowly sinking is a dreadful sight
for a family of four screaming for help
with nobody coming for aid but myself

im not a ship that can convey all four
just a small vessel that can adequate two
ambivalent of the situation, i burst into tears
the need to save them all aggravate my fears

the silent sound of a whirling fan
wakes me up in the reverie that i had
with great relief, i sigh and pray
utmost thanks for my family is safe

in a vision too rapid with a minute or two
with a vivid delineation but profound value
i seek GOD's answer to this dream i had
and found solace with his promise of love

To see you go

pain is too much now that you're gone
i tried everything but it can't be undone
your memories, your scent wont leave me alone
time cannot erase all that we've shared as onepainful thing a life bestow
saying goodbye while still aglow
burning with desire and love enfold

my eyes are wet filled with tears
to see you go i cannot bear
mind is filled with questions to GOD
to have one more minute and i wont be sad

a minute is enough before you leave
to feel your face and make you believe
that i love you so much to the last minute

never renounce do wait for me
it may take awhile but i wont let u down
when my chores are through and my time has come
i'll be there never to leave your side

Exalted Love

i was astray when you pick me up
alone in a place where there is no light
heart and mind satiated with anger
body shaking with anxiety from danger

i was scared and was once blinded
you stood by me and keep me guided
imperfection enfolds my entire soul
you held my hand lifted me up from the hole

i was dejected trapped in a predicament
you listen intently only you can comprehend
place i live in mould me into depression
you came along infuse me with compassion

my life now shines like a rainbow
vivid colors your love endow
hold my hand and leave me never
serenity besiege me just be there forever

Toffee

first time we met
how can i forget
my heart is thumping
i can hear it beating

your eyes twinkle
as u gaze into mine
you melt my heart
as u tilt your head

i love the way you move
your smell and your embrace
the way u lay down beside me
stretching your body

fur surrounds you
makes me sneeze but that's ok
coz your sweetness ease away
and make me forget about it

to some you are just a pet
to me you are remarkable
for you bring joy and happiness
to them that is so dear to me

The old fashion way

Is it being selfish dreaming of something to happen that you've been thinking since you were a kid? is it impractical to at least have a quarter of what was perfectly formed in your mind for quite some time?

raised by life's simplicity, i never craved for things to happen in my life to be at its best. but i do think that at least a bite from a piece of cake is not so much to ask. living in a modern world, my mindset still lies on the conventional way. i still believe in courting, proposing, marriage, flowers, love, fairytale's living happily ever after and pms. i still believe in the old fashioned way of asking for the parents approval before getting married or when courting. things that no matter how punk, rock, alternative, skirts, plunging necklines, drugs and satc crowded the city where i live in, my heart still desires for a few things that's done in a conservative manner.

being in a relationship for 6 years is way too long that some think the fruit is ready to be taken off from it's branches. friends, relatives and some just an acquaintance, all are just waiting for the "announcement". i am one of them. i, too, was eager to know what was at the end of the rope. i wasn't hoping for a vera wang dress or expensive kind of wedding. i love the simplicity of life. having small weddings and gatherings doesn't matter to me. the solemnity of celebrating it is what matters to me. this has been my dream since i was a kid. the only promise ive been keeping and intending to fullfill for my mom who's been planning it since the day i was born. and to some, they wait for the right guy or their prince charming to come. for me, i am just waiting for the limo to arrive. i think the waiting will be over if GOD permits. for now, i'll just enjoy what single life is.

Linger

sitting here all alone
i thought of what we had
memories that are priceless
and can't be compared to something

im not asking for anything
coz i know im not giving any
to me you are perfect
the epitome of one's true love

my life has seen the end of the rainbow
and it's all because of you
for nothing completes me but you

but i can't help but wonder
to where this will lead us to
were u still not sure of me?
or is it just not the right time?

little by little i fret
in time you will decide
my waiting could be in vain
never will i regret

for this love is eternal
and i'll be yours forever

Familiar

as i lay down my bed tonight
i stare at ur sleepy eyes
hear your heavy breathing
look at ur sweet angelic face

sensing that it's me
u put ur arms around me
feeling the warmth of ur body
lessening the coldness of the room

things that make me look forward to
in every single day that i live
sleeping with a familiar room
and a familiar snore of a familiar person

drifting myself to the stillness of the night
i silently uttered a simple prayer
that tomorrow it will still be you
that i'll wrap my arms around
'till i close my eyes and never to wake again

Somewhere

as i stride along the highway
i walked across a deserted place
i saw u looking at me along the way
but i know that i have to go

i tried to go and bid goodbye
ur gaze make me stay and try
a love inside a cage could die
how can i not spread my wings and fly

someday i'll soar high
go on with my journey
and get on with the life i had
simple life without complications

but for now i'll stay
savour the sweetness of ur voice
your eyes that reach my entire soul
words that made me complete

intricate as it may seem
happiness can't be measured
ill be here while i can
be with you and furtively love u

even if it's only here
somewhere only we know

Stuck

your gaze makes me wither
mesmerizes my entire soul
if i fall would u be there?
or ull jst leave me into the hole?

cant get u off my mind
cant seem to find the way out
i want to leave the feelings behind
but im stuck on this route

u kept me hanging
its too depressing
cant stay longing
but im still wishing

what am i waiting for
my heart crushed up to the core
i feel like such a fool
but i cant stop thinking about u

Sep2004 Vacation

Five days is all i got
each passing minute like a speeding bullet
spend each second not wasting any of it
hurry, hurry time is gold
now im a believer
of this old saying
i love to stop the clock from ticking
so it'll be forever like this

now its time to leave
i fight back the tears
tried not to be sentimental
but when i look at their eyes
sadness is what i see
tears and promises
"i will always be ur baby"
"i will be what u wanted me to be"
leaving them is hard
but i know that i have to

i bid goodbye its time to leave
when i look back i feel sad
i wanted to go back
just give them one last hug
but its time to move on
have to be strong
to meet their promises

alone in my room
weeping and reminiscing
the fleeting time we spent together
the laughter, the stories
be strong, be brave
time will pass by

another year of longingness
another year of sadness
wait for the time again
to go back and be with them