My Weekend Antics

Friday Night wasn't that bad 'coz I spent the night at Mame Ces' place since it was their ROM anniversary. After dinner we played Bingo and I really suck! I won at the last set well at least along with four others I think. It was a fun game. Got home before midnight.

Saturday morning was the usual. Waking up late, taking late lunch and blogging of course. Bebikoh and I went out around 6pm strolling around orchard. Merienda at McDonalds and my favorite kayatos. We're suppose to be watching a movie but it seems everybody else's schedule for the day is set for that so we opt to "people watching" at Spinelli while sipping chino *which is very good*. Bebikoh and I had a talk - a serious kind of talk - talk. Saw these three ladies having a good time at the other table and I can't help but missed the good times I had with my very good friends - Annie and Eian. We used to hang out together attending different parties and going to bars. How I miss those times that I had to tell "my date" about it. Being wonderful that he is, always wanting to make me happy, we went to Que Pasa which is somewhere in Orchard *beside ICB*. We had each glass of wine and beef stew. By the way, BEEF STEW is great and you really have to try it! And that's how my saturday ends.

Sunday, we had our lunch in Paya Lebar since the Kare Kare plan was postponed again. Then we bought the drinks and paper plates that we need this coming friday for my *yeyyy* birthday party. Sunday night was fabulous. We were invited to a wedding dinner at the Asian Civilization Museum near Fullerton by my bebikoh's colleague. A party that never happens every year. Very posh and elite. (Detailed story here) We got home past midnight. Thank you bebi for the wonderful and fabulous weekend.

im turning 29!

im turning 29 on the 25th of this month and i dont know about you but i always feel ecstatic whenever my birthday is coming.

when i was a kid i would always look forward to it bec i knew then that inspite of my dad's meagre earnings, my mom would buy me anything new, may it be shoes, or clothes or toys and cooked pansit on my birthday. i guess that's her guilt-free way of making us happy on our special day than spending more on a party. and when i figured that out, i teased her about it and she would just laugh.

but now it's different. it still is the same natural high and same agitation, but the "new things" along with the "pansit" have revolutionized into something more meaningful in life - more mature. not that im dropping off the simplicity of it all, i just moved into a higher level, more appropriate in my age.

the uncertainty had morphed into what would this year bring me. the higher my age increases, the more memoirs ive gained. all different from the others. the agitation of what i'll face on my 29th year, i will never know.

Friends

ive walked a thousand miles apart from where ive been meeting strangers that never occurred to me will be my friends and considered me as one. my life intertwined with others for a moment for reasons that sometimes i dont understand and only God knows what was beyond those reasons. and with each phase that its time to say adieu, i felt the twinge and tears have always been my solitary way of releasing at least half of that pain. why does it hurt to have friends? why do i even bother letting them in to my life? and then i remember the countless reasons why.

they make me laugh in their own silly way when my day seems so clouded;

they always have their way of telling me when im being a bitch and when im doing something good;

they make me exist by confiding in me their dilemmas and asking for my advice or what i think of is right or just be that someone who'll just listen;

they helped me to expand the little acumen i have which i thought is enough for me to go on with my journey;

they assist me in embracing the treasures i have;

and there are more... and then those tears and pain suddenly becomes insignificant with all the little bliss that theyve given me and partake in my life. i'll never get tired of this for i know that at least i have something to look back to and reminisce when i grow old. if i didn't, my life would be an empty book without chapters or stories to tell. pristine condition but lifeless. i would rather be the tattered book with a thousand stories to tell.

one kind word

when at times you're too stressed at work and all you want at the end of the day is go home and rest but somehow you thought of dropping by at your favorite hangout even for a minute and with just one kind word from a friend everything vanished just like that. And then you smile not just bec of the compliment but bec there are friends who in their own silly way can still make you laugh inspite of the tough day you've had.

speck of life

sleeping and waking up late has been on my system that i cant seem to get rid of no matter how many times i'll repeatedly tell myself in the morning that ill be sleeping at 11pm and wake up at 7am.

i took a cab, which took me @#%! 15 minutes to get one, and silently swearing why im doing the same thing everyday. and as we strode along PIE, we passed by a construction site.

i felt shallow and selfish for complaining everyday. these workers comes to work before the sun rises, toil heavily under the sun, respiring a polluted air, lifting heavy objects and taking home only a fraction of what i earn from sitting on a cosy chair in an air-conditioned office and practically complaining the whole day of how boring my life is.

sometimes we need to open our eyes and let few specks get in so when you blink for a moment you can visibly see the beauty of what's in front of you.

Bloopers

it was quarter to six and since ive been busy the whole day i didnt have time to think of what we'll be having for dinner so i list down the things i need to buy. i put my pda inside my bag and then my phone and then my kikay kit and then my...

me: "wtf, my wallet!"

i went to my friend cich and asked her if she saw my wallet, and she said no. i send my lunch mates a message asking them about my wallet and some of them, which is not unusual, make a joke about it. so i sigh and felt relieved assuming they have it, but after a few messages and jokes, i realized that none of them really got my wallet. =( teary-eyed, *ok i was crying!* i called bebikoh and told him about it. i was so down. *baffled as i may be, i still remember to get the red ribbon cake that cich brought for me all the way from the philippines hehehe - tenchu cich mwah* all my money was there, my credit card, my atm card and my ic! cich was so kind enough to go with me to the mcdonalds. and i lighten up when i saw that the manager recognized us - meaning they got my wallet. and they did!!!! and im happy now... very much... and very much indebted to the crew and manager of toa payoh mcdonalds. there still are people who have a kind heart. tenchu tenchu!

Supah Momma's

Mommy Gladys just gave me this souvenir with a "Thank You for coming" from her daughter - Jewel's 1st birthday. I was feeling sorry, really, bec I didn't go to that party. No excuses. Period. And when I look at the souvenir, a july-august calendar with her baby's picture on it on a small cd case, I thought how lucky their kidz are. *so I thought of writing it so I'll have memories of how I should be when I become a mom* I can't imagine how hard it is to be a very busy mom. Attending to your kidz needs, to your hubby's needz, having unendless thread of patience, working in the office and doing few chores at home, if you're lucky to have a help. And on their kidz' birthday, they spend their only free time to rest to do such things as souvenirs and decorations for the party and food and a lot more just to give their babies a wonderful and unforgettable birthday! Wow! Being a great mom and a loving wife is something that I don't think I can handle.

To the bibo and wonderful mami's (Mami Gladys, Mami S, Mami Maidy, Muder Lenny and Kumareng Mommy Ghie) -- *even if it's not mother's day*, saludo po ako sa inyo! =)

Torn between two love

At times, we thought we know the things that could complete our bliss but when something came along we get distracted by it and forgot who we are and where we stand and what could really make us happy. This story from lovenotes could help some of us cling on to the things that matters most to us and take a second look to the things we once aspire to have. - lairofeilrig

"Marriage is a bond that is meant to last a lifetime. Its permanency is the very reason why we have to be positively sure of our intention to marry someone."

"Before we finally solemnize our vows for marriage, our relationship with our would be life-long partner must always stand the final test. Somehow, God has his way of making us aware of our real feelings which we could use to validate our decisions to marry someone. But God doesn't make these decisions for us. He just opens our eyes and allows us to see what truly lies within our hearts."

"This is not just a test but also a path which you have to take. It won't be easy, for the road you will choose will decisively play an important role in your life. Don't get too easily carried away by sweeping emotions. Sometimes our hearts can mislead us and impair our rational and sensible judgement. "

"You can never row a boat on two rivers at the same time. There is no point in letting someone hang on to something that isn't there anymore and blindly hope for someone who never truly belonged to them."

Being sad

Not feeling well.
Need time to take things and absorb them lightly.
Good things dont last.
Goodbye's make you cry.
I am sad.
I felt no hint of bliss.
Craving for sleep.
Sleep takes you anywhere but where u are at the moment.
I'll miss the everyday "ate" and fun and crazy things we do.
Food trip. Chocolates. Sodas. Movies.
I'll miss you, kendz. =(

Current mood: Uber sad :~(

Ouch

the wound u have keeps on hurting and there is nothing else for you to soothe the pain but to sit and wait and be numb until it subsides. until you get over it and then pick up where u stand and then move on. you know that it'll heal soon. but what if the strength you have won't hold up to that intensity of anguish? just a thought...

Heart Attack

I saw my friend's nick online just weeks ago and sent her a message.

ME: "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Mustaaaaaaaaa?"
HER: "Helloooooooooo! Miss you na bruha! Ako eto broke. Broke - financially and emotionally. Hahaha ang drama kaagad noh? Ikaw musta?"
ME: "Haha gagah! Im ok. Still trying to do my best to enjoy life hehehe. What's with the broken tsutsu?"

And in 30 minutes she had told me what that BROKE was all about. it seems like yesterday when both of them found themselves attracted to one another. But it's been a year. It's been that long that they have been pretending that nothing happen, that everything is normal just the way it was, that admittingly it was there once but not this time. I guess no one knew that blurting out what you feel is not something you can get back and hide again so that no one else will get hurt.

Did you ever believe that saying that when you love or felt something for someone it is just right to let the person know no matter what detriments it may bring? Maybe for some people it works perfectly but it never applies to everyone. And they were one of those latter. She said she just misses him. She miss talking to someone who can understands her and make her smile amidst of the little storms in her life. "I feel your pain, bru", I know that because I know how it feels. "You'll get by", i told her as i i always do to my friends enduring such 'heart attack' when i felt like there's nothing better for me to soothe their pain. "I know", she said, and we bid goodbye.

*a msg from her to you if you happen to stumble upon this: she misses you and she felt jealous sometimes when you're fooling with other girls but she said she dont have the right. she misses you like crazy. i ask for your name but she said you'll know it the moment u read it. take care and i hope u know you matters to her.

Poignant

heart's crushed
when you speak
amidst of sobs
unending mourn

i look up the sky i see rain
when will it stop? when will it end?
drenched and bushed rest i seek
serene mind harder to reach

i linger till the rain ends
each chapter never shines
this path i took always dim

Eilrig's Return

Today is my official "comeback" day. I've dozed off for a month and been neglecting my blog for a while. Well, nothing much happens except for the big changes. Been busy packing and unpacking all our stuff since we moved to a new place not far from where we used to stay. I didn't realize how much stuff we have and how much trash we've been keeping for years. Exhausting but now it's ok at least half of it. And I can see now the real beauty of the place hehehe. Good thing Annie and her hubby's still here to help us. The past few weeks that we all shared together was something that I can never forget. Today at 6.30 am we saw them off and bid goodbye. Saddest thing for me but knowing that I can still see Annie few weeks from now still makes me feel that she's not that far yet till she moved to LA. Goodbye time once again. Have to be tough, gurl. And then from the airport I snatched 30 minutes sleep and then kendz and I went to Immigration to plead for at least another week so she can at least make it to bebikoh's bday. It's very stressful. As much as I want her to stay, things happen as if they were oppose to what I wanted. But I leave it all up to GOD. I know HE got better things for my sister. So, after talking to the immigration officer who happens to be so strict with the rules, after all the pleading, we at least somehow convince him to give her at least additional one more week IF we can provide a confirm ticket. No problem, officer! I know that It'll be hard for my sister bec she's very emotional, i just hope that she'll take it lightly. At least she can see our family now after 3 long months. Three long months, huh? It feels like its only been a week. Whew! Days fly by so fast, really. Wow a lot of things are happenning that's making me sad. It's true that when it rains it pours. Only to me they were'nt a good thing.

What now?

i believe now the saying how you'll miss someone when they're gone. i dont want to entertain the thought. it might mean something or not, important thing is im missing someone. im facing an insignificant quandary at the moment and im longing to talk to someone when no one is there and the first person you thought about is this someone. sad isnt it? its like grasping for something that you can't hold on to. and the gratification pays only when you're able to see that someone, even if the veracity of it all is that this person won't be able to complete the bliss you're longing to have. *deep sigh* i guess that's what life is all about. it's what it should be. *xav's favorite quote* life is better but not perfect.

How does it feel

have u ever wondered
what it feels like
to be somebody else but yourself?
to feel the touch of your own hands,
to hear your own voice when you're being sweet,
to feel the warmth of your own embrace,
to feel the gaze of your own eyes
to see the flaws and beauty of your being
to smell the sweet scent of your own perfume
to feel the touch of your own hair
to know the effect of your own presence
to feel the candour of your own sympathy

i wonder if i can do all these things
so i can see & change whatever it is that's missing
to give bliss to somebody deserving
and be perfect for that person im loving

Change

"everyday of my life i watched him sleep
serenity fills me seeing him doze so deep
the manly scent of his perfume
the warmth he brings when he's beside me
some days i asked what's inside those dreams
what he always think and what he longed to have
what if it's someone else but me?
i got sad and bow my head down
and there i hear the beating of his heart
i close my eyes and listen to the beat
and then i smile and drift to sleep"

how do u fall in love so much to someone and not dreading the possibility of getting hurt? having that feeling of certainty in "forever" and doing things without the shadow of fear are one of life's leisures that some people like me can't seem to afford no matter what i do. the apprehension of the word "CHANGE" devours my sanity. i dont want any changes. i want things to stay the way they are. maybe im just worrying too much about the future that sometimes it situates me to that stage of pain where it's not even happening yet. im very thankful to God that i still feel the bliss with what's going on in my life. and that i feel great love from someone and sometimes i think its too much that i dont even deserve it. so you see, this is one reason why i have these fears. but don't worry, i know very well that i just have to live my life to the fullest and enjoy what's in front of me so that in the times of change, i'll never know the meaning of regrets. this is just a passing time of my existence. some days i dont feel it creeping into my system and some days it will. but this is something that always caught us off guard... unprepared... and we will never be... bec we never know how to let go of something so special without getting hurt.

Washing away the bitterness

There may be times when we become so miserable and ask ourselves why God allows us to experience unbearable pain. God doesn't delight in our misery. Pain is God's way of purifying us and making us better persons. And when he allows us to experience it, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love us.

Anna,you may have been destined to love the man who cannot love you back, but that doesn't mean that life ends here. You fell in love with a man who cannot be yours, but that doesn't mean there is no one who can be. You have loved and hurt badly, but that doesn't mean the pain will never pass.

Everything that happens to us happens for a reason, and as the saying goes, sometimes the person who makes us happy is the same person who can hurt us and make us cry. Anna, it is perfectly alright to feel sorry for losing him, but you cannot be sorry all your life. It is okay to cry yourself to sleep at night, but you cannot shed your tears for him forever. You cannot cry every night all your life. It is okay to think of him when you wake up in the morning, but you cannot let him take control
of your thoughts forever.

I guess you have been sorry long enough. You have shown so much regret already. It's over, Anna. You have to accept that there could never be any "you and I" anymore. He is gone and has moved on with his life. You have to realize that you should not allow yourself to be left behind following his shadow. You have to move on and find your own happiness, even if it means not being with him.

Let us always remember that love isn't love it if doesn't hurt. And it is better
to be hurt by love than not to be hurt because we were too afraid to love. The only way to move on is to accept reality. And it will help if you let the pain love has brought you make you a stronger person, and let the tears that you cried wash away the bitterness and misery in your heart.

source: Joe D' Mango, lovenotes

Waiting for a Sign

I know how much it hurts when the people we love decide to throw us out of their lives. It is so painful sometimes that we just want to die. But no matter how battered our feelings and our dignity have become, that does not justify any act of self-inflicted pain or worse, suicide.

Most people realize that for others to learn to love them, they would have to learn to love themselves first. But, there are some who realize this too late. People take into their hands the verdict of life and hastily end it because someone they sincerely loved had purposely hurt them. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't really make a difference for those who don't care about us. We just become helpless victims of our own crimes.

You have cried enough. Don't waste your tears anymore. The people you are shedding them for don't deserve it. Be strong and don't allow failure to take away your hope of finding happiness in your life. There is a reason why God allows these things to happen. They may be painful but they are all meant to make us stronger and better persons. There is life even after several failed relationships. There is hope even if all our efforts in finding the right person have failed. Be strong in your faith because good things come to those who believe and those who strive to be happy in spite of the pain they keep in their hearts.

- Joe D' Mango's Lovenotes

Pros and Cons

When im in distress, I try to weigh the pros and cons of the reasons of why im still here on earth....

Blessings to thank for:
1. A Best friend who loves me and cares about me so much.
2. My Boyfriend who's my best friend.
3. My sister kendz who took good care of me when i almost fainted having No. 1 of my negative lists.
4. I still have a job that pays off my debts, sustain my family's needs and mine too.
5. I eat whenever and whatever i feel like to.


Things that make me cry:
1. My "monthly monster pain" that never seems to go away.
2. People I thought my friends.
3. Unvarying everyday work life.
4. A promise that I havent done yet.
5. Loosing my "social life" bit by bit.
6. Loosing the only friend I have right now in two weeks time.
7. Sis not finding a job yet.
8. The negative vibes of my living outweighing the positive.

It doesnt make me any more sense listing these things, doesn't it? But it sure does somehow lightens up the heavy thing on my chest. And maybe someday I'll just laugh all about it.

Weekend of Mine

Weekend of Mine

My weekend's been exhausting and tiring but fun. Friday night started with that Interview, waking up early the next morning at 11.30 am *that's early for me on a weekend, fyi*, with the great adobo aroma bebikoh prepared for us. After a few minutes rest, I brazen out the bundles of rubbish I once called "our things". When you're moving into a new place, you never realize how smokey mountain can be just a piece of mound compared to what you have acquired for the past 2 years. I have few boxes set aside, one going to Manila, one to the garbage (i just realized how long i've been keeping that junks), one "my-trash-can-be-other-ppls-treasure" box, and that heap of magazines just sitting around somewhere (if im home, those bote-dyaryo-garapa kidz will vote me as their best customer) were now neatly stacked and ready to hit Auntie's recycled things. I'm so not going to buy magazines anymore. By 4 pm, annie, patrick, bebikoh and me went to Orchard. Guys had their hair cut and we had halo-halo while waiting for them which turned out to be the perfect merienda festival when they arrive. They bought turon, pansit palabok, pansit malabon, halo-halo, beer, and chicharong bulaklak. Were not hungry hehehe. Watched Batman Begins at Cathay cinema, then dinner at Kopitiam in Orchard.

Woke up sunday, still a bit early, prepared munggo and fried tilapia for lunch, watched Magnifico then mass and head home. Whew, it was tiring.

Monday morning, I was crying in pain, again. And spend my entire morning in bed, do household chores in the afternoon and went to see my doctor to get my MC. And of all the time I spent at home, it certainly knows when to hit me. It was really painful, which I later realized that we never had a decent lunch, so my ulcer and dysmynorrhea suddenly had this union thing of making me really really sick. The agony of it all, makes me think of taking my own life just to flee from that great pain. Sis, GOD Bless her, took good care of her whiny sister by applying "katinko" all over my tummy. From all that crying which i think exhausted me made me sleep for 3 hours flat. I was thinking of going back to that gyne again. Sigh!

Korean Drama

Due to the influence of certain peers, I have found myself getting addicted to the korean drama movies. My first, "The Sassy Girl", followed by "Windstruck", "The Classic" and nos of titles some I can't remember. Just recently I found myself watching "My Boyfriend is Type B" in a movie house which is very unusual for me but I find it very amusing, though. It was then followed by "100 Days with Mr. Arrogant" and now I've found a reason to sleep very late at night watching "Lovers in Paris". *Tenchu mami s and dadi m* Uber-Kilig, if I must say. Imagine two wonderful guys falling in love with you, not that I enjoy having that certain dilemma of course, but really, this brings "kilig" moments. The stars were not that good looking actually maybe that's the reason why it looks more realistic hehehe. I'm on my 3rd CD now and hoping to catch up with my sister (she's on her 5th, btw), which i think is very impossible.

"Girls often dreams about this where she feels like a withered flower surrounded by all these fabulous famous people and out of nowhere this prince on a white horse calls her name, holds her shoulder and gently touches her hair and walk her home... but that is too perfect..." - Tae-Young, LiP

Interview

I had a job interview last night after a very long time. It was an informal interview since they were Mr. A's friends from the office. It was a first experience for me having someone i know, partied few times, and had drinks with, interviewed me. Plus the fact that the ambiance is inside a bar, they were asking me questions in front of a jug of beer. In as much as I want to stay calm, my body seem to shake and felt the cold of the air conditioned room when they started asking me questions about what I do. I guzzle the beer in front of me and answered their queries. There were times that I feel like I have not explained much but I think I have gained the confidence that I much needed. Even if I may not get that job that I really need, I know that there's no reason for me to be negative about it. I have somehow realized that I don't need to make an impression that Im good at something Im not. I just told them what I usually do in the office (well except for tsating hehe), and impressed on them that my knowledge may not be that extensive due to the lack of resources and limited access that Ive been given from where i work, I am one person who's willing to to learn more. The "interview" started at 7pm and Mr. A joined us by 9pm, went home around 11 and by the time I reached home, I'm already tipsy because of that vodka drink I had. That vodka incident was funny, bec I was trying to say no after 3 glasses of beer by saying that Im no beer drinker.

Him1: But you always go out partying wat.
Me: Oh, I always drink vodka. Im not much into beers.

Well, stupid me! And so he ordered another jug of beer for them (one singaporean and one swiss interviewing me that night) and a vodka for me!!! Shucks, I did tried to say no but he insist. After few sips, I think he notice I didn't like drinking it pure, so he kindly asks me not to drink it if it's too strong for me. Thank God. *Maybe I should have said tequila instead* Anyway, that's how my "interview" goes. I really did want to improve what I learn and earn more hehe, but I leave it all to God. He knows better what's best for me and my family.

And before I had this interview, honestly, I did think of making up an excuse that Im sick or something, but there are people who believe in me as much as I do in myself. Thank you friends. Thank you Mr. A. Thank you sis.

Annie

*reminder: this will take much of your time if you're planning to read this.

The friend that Ive known, partied with, laugh with, shared stories about love, life, fashion, who's crazy about my sopas, will be saying adieu in few days time. Sad as I may be, i still feel ecstatic of how her life had changed from better to best.

REMINISCIN'
At this time a year ago, we have done nothing but partying, and going to bars, friend's abode, sipping wine, puffing cigs, travelling, shopping, and talking about her ex's and my crushes and what's in and out in fashion. We had countless dinners having fun, no dull moments. We always make fun of "my getting married" issue. We never talk about her, or Myla's, or Thess' settling down this year. We talked about serious matters too, but we never let it get in our way of having fun.


THE STORY
And then she met Mr. ultra-mega-hyper-in-a-good-way Patrick. Back from her vacation in the US, she called me.

Her: "Mars, punta ka dito. Andito na mga pasalubong ko sayo."
Me: "Hi!!!! Welcome back! Cge I'll drop by tonight. "
Her: "Ok See yah!"
Me: "C u."

I was sure that aside from just being excited on telling me how her vacation has been, I knew right there and then that she got more interesting to tell me. So I went that night. Blah blah's and then...

Her: "I'm getting married!"
Me: "What? With whom? Di nga? Are you... I mean, wow, uhmmm, orayt! Yay!"

What? I am speechless! Thunderstruck as I may have been, but I was euphoric, very very very much happy for her. But as soon as I regained my equanimity (hey, don't whine. here's where I can only use the big words ive read from the piles of books i have at home), with a wide smile on my face, I asked her to tell the story. Yeah of course, I asked questions too. Lots of it. How they met, who is he, how everything happens. Being a friend, I asked for details. Don't get me wrong, but at first I thought it was all coming too fast. That she's just being impulsive. I am no cynic about love, believe me, I am a big fan of it as a matter of fact, but I know my friend so much. So I asked...

Me: "Buntis ka ba?" *which i later on realized that's it's impossible for you to know that in less than a month's time.*
Her: "Hahahaha sira! Lika panoorin mo tong ginawa nyang cd for me"

And so we watched. The pictures from her vacation and the proposal. I cried. Im sorry but I was touched by everything. I don't know the guy enough for me to say that she had found what she truly deserve. But I still told her that she had. She deserves the best.


THE PROPOSAL
Lemme tell you little sumtin about the proposal. She was on her way back to Singapore from her vacation. While Patrick's niece is filming the entire dramatic scene, few minutes before she board the plane, he knelt down, took her hands, said his lines and then pop the question! Oh, shoot, it was more romantic watching the real thing really than me telling you about it.


MEETING THE GUY
Come february, her birthday, her last singapore birthday, party at her place. Few drinks, invitees that some I've only know from the parties we had, few common friends, and then she introduced me and bebikoh to her fiance. We had a blast that night. We went to Insomnia afterwards. Did it ever occurred to you that the saying "First impression lasts" is not true after all? Well, he had somehow embed on me at first that he was a typical fil-am guy. A latino style, conceited, too-much-air-there, kind of a guy, if you know what I mean. He was really funny, and very sweet to her but I still thought he was arrogant. And when they invited us for breakfast the morning after, I suddenly dreaded of not going there, bec I dont want to hurt my friend, not that my opinion matters to her. Anyway, I know that I cant do that to her, so we went there. The meet-ups became regular and now he's back again to be with my friend until she got her visa. And now, as I recall those firt impressions, i can't help but smile. She really have found the best as he had found the best in her. They deserve to be with each other. He's very ultra mega hyper which seems to me and everyone around him find it very amusing and matches my friend's manner being "mababaw ang kaligayahan" she is.

Soon it will be "saying goodbye" time. I have done this a lot of times to my friends who had to go to a direction different from what we used to have, but none of it makes it easier for me and prepares me for the next. No matter how I tried to be ok with it,I still can't face the fact that another friend is leaving - for good. Im just glad im living in the era of new technologies - Emails,Yahoo Messenger, phones. So now, im here, pretending to be working, facing the only stable in my 5 years here - my monitor who's my solitary viewer seeing the melancholy on my face.

Well, to you annie, the fun things we shared wil never be forgotten. I wish you, Mrs. Simon, *how do you like that, huh?*, and Patrick, and Joshua Ray, all the strength, fun filled, full of love in this new chapter of your life as one. Luv yah... Really crossing my finger to see you again in 2007, either at your wedding or at mine. Yeyyyyyy. Take care always and let's keep in touch. =) You're one friend that I'll never get tired of remembering.

Bittersweet Memories

"There are times when no matter how much we show our love and give so much of ourselves to someone, we still cannot find enough reason why he or she doesn't seem to care about us."

"When we start assessing the value of someone, quantifying and qualifying the kind of person he or she is, we begin to lose grasp of the real essence of love. Real love doesn't look at reasons to love. When we truly love a person, we just love that person regardless of what he or she can or cannot give us back. When we start to have reasons for loving someone, then we're bound to fall out of love when we lose these reasons. It has been said that the greatest measure of love is its ability to continue loving even when we cannot find a reason to love anymore. That is the real essence of love. When we can think of one reason not to love a person, then we can't be capable of truly loving because love doesn't keep a scale of what it can gain from a relationship. Real love is unselfish."

"You are who you are and you should be loved not for what someone wants you to be but for who you truly are."

"Let your bittersweet memories remind you of how much you have loved, but let it also remind you how much more beautiful it would be if that love is shared with someone who will accept you for who you are, and love you not for what you can become but what he becomes because of you."

Dance with my father

Dance with my Father - Luther Vandross

back when i was a child
before life removed all the innocence
my father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
spin me around till i fell asleep
then up the stairs he would carry me
and i knew for sure i was loved

if i could get another chance
another walk another dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
how i'd love love love to dance with my father again

when i and my mother would disagree
to get my way i would run from her to him
he make me laugh just to comfort me
then finally make me do just what my mama said
later that night when i was asleep
he left a dollar under my sheet
never dream that he would be gone from me

if i could steal one final glance
one final step one final dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
coz id love love love to dance with my father again

sometimes id listen outside her door
and i hear how my mama would cry for him
i pray for her even more than me

i know im praying for much too much
but cld u send back the only man she'd love
i know u dont do it usually
but dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

every night i fall asleep
and this is all i ever dream


*sometimes i wander to a place i only know where everything i want and needed is there... where its just enough for me and the people i love to call it a perfect world... where i could have a dance with my father... where pain and anguish doesnt exist... where tears were only shed because of so much joy ... *

Lost

a bouyant persona
that's who i am
nowhere to run to
adrift in the wilds

a glimpse of light
is the only guide
trying not to stumble
amidst of the rubble

a quandary i must face
vague of decisions
tattered compassion
trapped in oblivion

ahh, paradox of life
one cannot fathom
i seek the gist
but im simply lost

Habedey, Daddy

It's been years since I last uttered these words and bought a lovely present for you. Actually, it's been years since we talked and called you Daddy. But I know it's no time for sentiments. Although, I felt obliged to greet you, I couldn't make myself do it. I may regret it for not doing it, but i'll know it when its time. And it will come... soon. Always know that in my heart, "daddy's little girl" has never renounce on you. The nostalgic feeling has always been here. I love you, daddy and happy birthday. May God give you if not the best of everything but a healthy life. God Bless always.

When the best isnt good enough

"Acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame."

"Acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself."

"For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it."

"When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past."

- excerpt from Joe D' Mango's labnowts

Kodak Moments

Three years before digital camera made it to the trend, i used to kill and waste all of my time doing scrapbooks out of all the KODAK MOMENTS I had and captured in my "film-camera". And honestly, those years have been memorable and very fun, celebrating bdays here and there and going places with friends and almost every month there is always something for my camera to seize. There were times that I asked myself why do i even bother wasting my time putting all the pictures in an album, decorating it where there are still a lot of things to waste my time on? And the dilemma of having these things adds up when you move to another place. But last night, I leaf through all the albums again, and all I did was smile. Like a time machine, taking me to years back in my life, musing over places, people and things that once have been part of my life. All those trips to places we travel along with our group of friends, the parties we had, the clubbings, meeting different people from other places, sharing secrets, jokes, witnessing your friends from courtship till they got married and having a bday party every year for their child, how i used to play with my friends' kids when they were still young and looking at them now all grown up amuses me, all these things were all here in front of me, all packed up in this piece of "JUNK" as i always and some called it. It's a part of my life, only the ones that's full of bliss. Only those things in my life that I always want to remember and let others see in me. That once, I have lived my life to the fullest. With friends that loves and cherish me. Being away from my family, friends are the closest one I could have. And Im glad those years of my life were captured and neatly recorded in a scrapbook. Regrets for wasting my time on those pieces of junk? I don't think so. =)

Away from the sun

She sits by the window as the music serenes her inner being. Time moves slowly... Back into the time where she listens to the same old song, sitting in a chair, reading emails, chatting with him... She smiles... She remember how it used to be... How she often see his eyes filled with love and compassion and longing. How every single minute matters. How everything around them is a field of roses with a little rays from the sun. And then she wokes up from reminiscin facing what was hers now. Years have gone by. Things around them changes. Love stronger. Miles away from where everything started. Meeting other people by chance. Some of them just pass by, some stays. She crawl back into the bed not wanting to wake the peace of his sleep. She looked at him. She lightly kiss him in the forehead bidding him goodnight. But she lays there wide awake. Thinking... Of how it all used to be. Of the difference of the NEW and the OLD. Of how people, no matter what age, enjoys things, relationship, food, adventure, places, toys, whatever it is, NEW makes people happy. The eyes, that they say is the window to thy soul, is burning with desire, with longing, with hope that it'll never go away. That it'll stay forever. But when it does, the compassion slowly ebbs away. It slowly creeps into that pile of their everyday life. Their monotonous life. She wants the OLD thing to go back. She thought how life would be better if she see how love grew stronger with the OLD ways still adhering. One has to go on living the life of how it should be not the way one want it to be. She miss the OLD life. She miss seeing the colours around her. She hates being snared in an insipid world. She wanted to run... Away from the light the sun brings.... Away from NEW... Back to OLD...

Im too sad tonight =(

It was a long story and I'll be blogging about it maybe next week when my anger and sadness subsides. I've been calling my sister apple and she's been cancelling my calls, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I dont know the reason but maybe she doesn't want to get scolded or being asked of how she left our youngest home alone. It really saddens me thinking of how much sacrifice you've made to certain people in your life especially those you love the most and all you got is this... I don't wanna brag about how much helped I've given them and Im not asking much from them. All I want is respect and a little appreciation of what I am in their life. If they can do this to me, how much more to our mom? Heartaches brought by friends and guys I've been in love with is nothing compared to what Im dealing now. I've tried every ways I can just to reach out to them but to no avail. I feel like I dont matter at all to them. I hope GOD will help me to make them understand what life really is. And what Ohana is all about. =(

Game Over

Big leap. Huge event. Life's waiting time is over. Reached the limit. No time to grieve. Wounds are healed. Heart's revealed. It seems forever to be in the dark. The sun is out. Light over my head. Smile on the face. Bliss is here. Finally over. All it takes is just a call. Divulge the monstrocity the feelings swathe. Fondness gone, revolting self revealed. Delighted it's over. Moving on.

I remember you

it only takes few things.... one song, a sweet scent of a familiar perfume, a place, a casual mention of the name... to remember someone... to remember you...

Sensitivity

it's that time again to crawl back in the cocoon that wraps me and keeps me away from the outside world where people hurt me. I don't want to live my life getting used to what others want from me. I want to live it the way I wanted it. im always aware of what other may think and what others may feel from all the things i do but none of them do the same thing for me. im that someone who needs care and attention. im that someone who also needs a friend. im that someone who also needs a shoulder to cry on. im that someone who's also human. feels everything that you do. hears everything that you heard. insensitivity is not something you have to be proud of. you've hurt someone and it's just to mend someone's broken heart especially when it's you who have caused it. dont justify something by saying it's who you are. never closes a door when someone offers a help. they never meant to interfere in your life. its simple and its pure offering bec they care about you. dont play with someone when heart's vulnerable. the more you tried to lighten up the conversation the more you press on the wound. be sensitive enough when one's already suffering and make a difference by offering a help but never make fun out of other people's feelings. people who cried in anguish are sensitive and they need someone to be there for them. not someone who'll walk away from them when all they ask is a shoulder to cry on. never think only of what you feel but consider others too. you may not know when you have caused a turmoil and broken somebody's heart.

i know... im being sentimental again... but it's my turf. and it's my right...

The real me

Some people may not comprehend me. Some have troubles getting on my mood. Some chooses to ignore my existence just to save themselves for trying to know the real me. But I don't think Im much of a difficult person to know. Im simple. I like things as simple as Im saying it. Whenever there's something troubling me, I say it out loud as long as I won't hurt anyone. Though there are times that I am hurting them. But few friends know the real me. There are few who refuse anything coming from me when all I wanted was to reach out and give my hand. There are few who took a word I say as a destruction to their sanity. Sometimes, I say things that meant the other way around not what they thought it was. Some just didn't like the way I offer my friendship. There are friends who really considered me as friends but left with no choice but to live their life different from mine. This is what life is all bout for me. The more I reached out for it to blend in with my dumbfounding life, the more it inches away and defy my existence. Ironic isn't it?

Anyway, sometimes talking helps. It's just a matter of knowing the proper use of modulation to get a better result from your audience. Specifically, in a relationship. The thing with relationship, though my knowledge may be little compared to others, even when you feel that your partner hurts you in a way that they don't know, you chooses to keep it to yourself and say nothing until everything piles up and explodes just to save both of you from arguing over something that doesn't really matter. But things are different from mine. As I have said, I am the kind of person that saying out loud what I feel be it positve or not is something that I have lived through. But it seems that no matter how nice I say it, it always gets mistaken for something. No, giving up is not on my list. I always do it although there are instances that I wanted to run away from it. And Im glad last night's was a triumph. I've made it through my target's heart. At least that's what I've seen. And I hope GOD would help me to be more understanding and mature and help me make my partner understand of who I really am and what I really want him to grasp. Im not a complicated person. If you look at me closely, you can see and know the real me. *ako si darna*

KL Trip and being mushy

Just got back from our KL trip and it's a bit tiring but I enjoyed being with my Mom and sister. We spent the whole saturday in KLCC, and although there's no good place to go to, still, it's not enough for us to explore more of KL. But I think my family enjoyed it though there's nothing much for them to see. We took a rest and drifted to sleep and woke up past 6. We weren't able to go to church bec it's already late. So that's it.

Btw, today's mother's day. And Im really glad that Mom's celebrating it with us. There's a flower delivery for her and she doesn't seem to be much of the "appreciative" person. But I dont mind. I know she appreciates it. She just didn't react the way Im expecting her to be. There's nothing much to say about our KL trip because we spent the whole trip shopping hehe. It's good to see my friends, Eian, Edward and Don and their little princess Iyah, who hugs me tightly the moment she sees me. Melts my heart really. *sigh* If not for that tiring 5-hr drive, I'll come by and visit them every weekend.

I miss my good friend Eian too. Especially talking about the good times we had. Those good times when we were still single and foolishly call ourselves as Charlie's Angels. Funny in a way. I miss my friends =( I miss Eian. I miss Annie. I miss Joey. I miss you guys. I may not have the courage to tell them how much I did miss them bec I dont want to sound too mushy, but GOD knows. It's very rare to find friends like them. Everything is fun sharing with them and being with them. Well, things are different now. Joey's in Manila, and I don't know if or when he's gonna come back. Eian's 7 months preggy and 5-hrs away from me. I still have Annie, though. But saddest thing is she'll be leaving for LA in 2 months time. =( And she's preggy
at the moment. People come and go, I know that. But few people have left footprints in my heart. And I'm just happy for them living their life to the fullest with a lot of achievements and blesssings to thank for. In a way, I envied them. The world keeps on revolving around them and mine just stays the way it has been. For another year, I will be doing the same routine. It's not that I dont like it. I just want something to change in my life - in a decent way.

How my day has been

I've been busy the whole day trying to do two projects at the same time. Both have deadlines. Both needs to be done immediately. My mind's been working all day and my capacity's maximum of four hours only! Harhar. I'm jsut really tired. But I really did have a lot of things to do. Considering the STRESS Im having right now. *Sigh* Anyway, I worked till 7pm then went to Kodak center to photocopy kendz's papers. 10 copies of each and Im holding about 10 pcs of papers. It's a lot but I know she really needs it. So I lazily do whatever I need to do. The man behind me was holding a piece of paper so I asked him to go ahead. After I've copied all the copies I need, i proceed to pay the amount. Then the man approaches me and told me im too kind. And he said a lot of nice things about me which I can't remember bec I was too busy thinking of what will I do next. Im too tired but I still managed to smile and nod along with all the things he was saying. He's a kind old man too humble to notice a simple gesture done for him and was nice enough to tell that person. It somehow made my day. Believe me I'm rude when people are getting nasty to me and being inconsedirate at times. But I respect elders and nicer to those who are to me. Maybe this meant to teach me to be more patient to other people. From Kodak, I went to NTUC to buy few things my Mum asks me to. *One of the things I'll miss when she went back to Manila sighhhhh* Then head back home. I feeellll soooo tired.

Converse

Although it's not entirely true, part of it I guess. To be able to get married, it takes two to tango right? And no matter how excited I am to get married if my partner's not, how will that possible? But come to think of it, deep inside me I know that I am just excited with the thought of getting married and not being married. I still have huge responsibilities and I can't take another one if my first is not done yet. Am not blaming him for putting all his obligations on my shoulder, although there are times that I think of the what-if's. Things happen for a reason. And there are reason why Im still single at the age of 28 (going 29 this year!). I'm enjoying my life and whatever it is that comes along my way may it be bad or good, I'll try not to blame it on the strings of my past but accept it as it was how my life was design by GOD.

Stress

Mind's so stressed this morning. My agent just called me and forcing me to decide if i'm going to renew my contract for another year. I really can't decide just like that. I was relying on the 10% we agreed upon before I signed the 2 + 1 contract. No increase for the first 2 years and 10% on the 3rd. The problem is they don't want to give it. I've talked to my boss and he confirmed what my agent told me. Houston, we have a problem. Huge! Arrrggghhhh, it's killing my diminutive brain hehehe. Plus I'm thinking about my CPF contribution for my 2nd year will be 24% of what I earn so this is a tough thing for me to decide. I know that the CPF will also be mine in the end like a force savings and it will be no problem for me if im only thinking of myself. I have family to support to. I can't afford to take any risk just like the previous years of my time. Everytime I need to sign another contract I've been looking outside for another job because I want a new thing in my life. Been bored working for the past four years doing the same work. I want to "upgrade" my skills but it's something that i can't afford to do. I've been praying to GOD to give me guidance and i know when i talked to my agent again *she gave me until 12 before lunch* what I'll decide is what GOD wants me to do. And i know it's the right one. Please enlighten me! =(

False hope

The bliss of a few minutes conversation puts false hopes once again that the acrimony slowly melts down. Anticipation rises up with every sound that aikon makes hoping that it will always be that someone. But that chat only happens when time steals away the tedium and the last resort will always be you. Funny how loathe ends up with hope when few words were spoken and sweet voice were heard. Dont pray for something to happen that could only make you jovial in less than an hour but desire for that bliss to be forever with you. The glee of not waiting in vain for that someone to take notice of your existence and the serenity of being in your own world not depending your happiness to someone who never had the slightest notion of what you're going through. Standing alone, stranded on the same ground.

I Dont Wanna Be Your Friend

Yeah, I've finally let go for the meantime of Kitchie's Same Ground to listen to Nina's Live Album. Now I'm hooked with this song of hers "I DONT WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND". I got this lyrics from my friendster account but have no idea that it was a song. And when I listen to Nina's rendition this morning, i got addicted. I don't know who the original singer is but whoever she or he is, it's a good song and composition. 5 Stars. Thumbs up. Of course you can't be hooked to something if you can't relate to it. I mean, especially in songs, there are songs that they as if speak mostly of what you have been through. Really, the best thing to forget someone who havecaused you pain is to stay away from them for a while until you get over them. I've been there many times before. I can still remember how hard it is. I've been friends to some and acquaintance to most. But none of it was easy to forget. People, they say, come and go in your life. Some leave footprints some just pass by like a wind. Some were unforgotten because of the things that help you remember them or the pain they've caused you.

I don't wanna see your face
I don't wanna hear your name
I don't wanna thing
Just stay away baby
Don't wanna know if you're alright
Or what you're doin' with your life
Don't wanna hear u say that you'll stay in touch baby

I'll get by just fine
And if you're goin' then darlin'
Goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

I'll forget we ever met
I'll forget I ever let
Ever let you into this heart of mine baby
You just gotta let me be
You gotta keep away from me
'Cause all I want is just to be free from you baby
Don't you come around
And say you still care about me
Just go now, go now

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
Don't think that I care
I'm not over you yet
And I don't wanna be your friend

You take it casually, and baby it's killing me
I'll get by just fine
So if you're goin' then darlin' goodbye, goodbye

Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
Don't expect me to be there
Don't think that it will be the way it was before
No baby
Don't call me in the middle of the night no more
I'm not over you yet
And I don't want to be your friend
I don't want to be your friend

Don't call me
Don't come around
Don't wanna be your friend...

Sunday Blessing

Sunday before lunch, day after my Mom and Sister got here in Singapore, I called home to see how my 2 other kidz are doing.

Me: "Hello?"
Other Line: "Hello?"

It was a man's voice... very familiar....

Me: "Dadi..."
Other Line: "Sino to?"
Me: "Girlie. San mga bata?"
Other Line: "Ay wala si kris teka eto si apple"
Me: "Ano pong ginagawa nyo?"

Yeah, I suddenly remember my "po" as my sign of respect.

Other Line: "Naglalaba"
Me: "Waw magkano bayad sa inyo?" I said, of course joking and fooling around.
Other Line: "Niloloko mo ko ah"
Me: "Ngayon ko nga lang kayo naloko eh"

I hope I have not offended the man. And I hope he was there to "really" look after my 2 younger sisters and not hoping to get something in return. (He promised to come by our house whenever he has time to look after my 2 babies) I know him. I've known him all my life and from this time I have all the reason to doubt him. But still, I wanted to give him a chance. Maybe the time has really come. It's funny how 10 years ago, I was begging and making a deal with GOD that I'll do anything just to make the man go back to us. And I did everything that He desires me to do. I took care of what He asks me to do. And lately I realize, that He did what He had promised me, only to find out that what I wanted then was different from what I want now. But honestly, I always have this longing inside me to have him back again for the sake of having someone to call "Daddy" again. Now that he's here, the bliss and contentment was filled. That there's a man again in our life that we could call "Daddy" again. Some people find it hard to grasp the notion of taking him back again in our home, and I do too honestly, but maybe it's just right if they just feel happy for us. Some things happen the way we dont want them to be. But it's there for a reason. GOD's reasons. We're taking things the way GOD wants us to be. There's no reason for anger to take place at this point in time. It'll just be senseless.

Mom & Kendz in SG (Apr 2005)

DAY ONE
I woke up a little bit early than my usual and I don't know why. The plan of going to 12pm mass was move back to 6pm bec my mom and sister was still sleeping. We took our lunch and head off to ORCHARD ROAD at Hello to get my sim card. We stroll along the Orchard Road, took a bite at MARCHE then went to CHURCH OF THE GOOD SHEPHERD. It was very humid and my mom's not feeling well so we have to head back home. As soon as I got home I scratched off Orchard Road, Marche and Good Shepherd Church from my list of places to go and things to do with my familia. Ciao!

DAY TWO

The word "Familia" will always be included in my blog for a month. Familia = Mom, Sis, Me, Bebikoh.
I feel like walking around naked without my handphone. I just realize how I've depended much on my hp. *sigh* Anyway, I ask Kendi and Mom to meet me at the City Hall MRT Station after office and I was worried that they couldn't find it but they did. Familia (less Bebikoh bec he was still in the office) with cuz aidz went to IKEA then had our dinner at BOAT QUAY. (Btw, got connected to the world again yipeee) We ordered baby kailan, prawn with oats, baby squid and of course CHILLI CRAB which mom likes best inspite of hating it later because of the chilli (after she finishes off her food!). The scrumptious dinner led to a cup of black coffee as soon as we got home. Ciao!

DAY THREE
Am not feeling well today so we just stayed home :(

DAY FOURBeen up all night crying with the usual pain. I really hafta go back to that gyne. I had an appointment a month ago but I thought I was already ok so I cancelled it. (I did not go actually without cancelling it, bad bad bad) And so MC is a must for me again today. Woke up around 11 cuz I can't waste a good day sleeping especially with mom and sis around. (Though it feelllsssss really good to be pampered by your mom again hehe) By three in the afternoon, we went to see a doctor to get my MC. Met cuz jun then went to CHINATOWN. I took one tablet coz I dont wanna ruin the rest of the day. Bought my mom and aunt a ring and a few pasalubongs. *katsing* Went back to Orchard to HMV Heeren to have me and mom's ears pierced and my sister's nose pierced. I was thinking of having it too but when I saw her almost cried in pain I backed out. Hehe. Im a coward! Sissy little me. Anyway, we stopped by at Burger King to have a few bites then went to SUNTEC CITY to meet Bebikoh. While waiting for him kendz and me print out a few shots from my phone at the Kodak kiosk. [picture] Had our dinner at CRYSTAL JADE then cup of coffee at home and after Amazing Race (Ron & Kelly was lucky its was a non-elimination round, whew close call and what's more they won a 20 grand worth of travel from travelocity... how some people lucky can get when they were at a close call of getting a bad luck) we went to INSOMNIA. We stayed till the end of the 2nd set of the band and I had introduced Mike and Malou to mom and sis. I hope they enjoyed the night. And I hope they're enjoying their stay here.

DAY FIVE
After office, we went to Lucky Plaza. We bought few keychains for pasalubong and had our merienda at GP. Then stroll along Orchard Road while waiting for bebikoh. Mom and sis said they're getting tired of going out hehehe and so we decided that by next week we'll just stay at home and cook which is very very fine by me hahaha. Anyway, we'll go out on weekends so they will still get to visit the places I've listed down. Ciao!!

DAY SIX
Mom and Sis just stayed home because we had a Bowling Tournament in the office. My score sucks hehehe

DAY SEVEN

By 3pm we reached the top of Mt Faber and purchased a ticket for the Cable Car ride to Sentosa. It was fun, really, seeing how my Mom enjoy her first ride to something that scares her at first (i dreaded heights too hehe) nevermind my sister who doesn't seem to much of an appreciative person hehehe. We took a bus ride, since the Monorail is under renovation, to the Underwater world and bought 4 tickets. We watched the Dolphin show first which Mom appreciates very much. She's like a kid who's very easy to please with about anything. And how I love my Mom every single day she's here. After Underwater world, we took a bite at Burger King, my mom's fave, then watched the Musical fountain's last show. It was very tiring. But the soreness of my feet and the aching of every single bone in my body fades away in an instant seeing how my mom enjoys everything. And I always thank GOD for these things, these blessings that me and my family were having.

DAY EIGHT
Today's agenda - Singapore Zoological Garden. I purchased the "Park Hoppers" ticket for $30 including the entrance fee to all 3 - Singapore Zoo, Night Safari and Jurong Bird Park. At the middle of our "journey", had merienda at KFC then took a tram ride back at the entrance because it was raining. After the Zoo, we waited until 7pm for the night safari. So we had a congee and a wanton soup which my Mom and sister enjoyed then head off to Plaza Singapura (Carrefour) to buy few things we need. By 11 were finally home. After eating (again), which I think will continue for the next 3 weeks *arrrggghhhhh Im gaining weight already!!!*, took a rest then shower. Sleeping time!!!! *whew finally... my bed ahhhh... i never notice how good my bed and pillow feels hehe*

DAY NINE
The plan going to Jurong Bird Park was moved to 14th of May. I've managed to extend my Mom's stay here for another week yippeeee!!! I hope my sister can find a job here. We stroll around Orchard mostly at Takashimaya. Bought a few things *katsing* hehehe. We all had CHICKEN RICE for dinner at Takashimaya's basement. Walk, walk walk. Im tired haayyyy. By 10pm we're home. It's already 1 in the morning and I haven't showered yet. I don't want any eyebags arrrrgghhhhh.

DAY TEN
Just stayed home... I feeeelllll sooo tireddd...... =(

DAY ELEVEN
Watched "Kingdom of Heaven" at Plaza Singapura then had dinner at Kopitiam. And it's already 2 in the morning and Im still up - blogging. Am hooked and getting addicted by it. Hafta take shower and then rest. Night!

Same Ground

My sister brought me CD's of Kitchie Nadal and Nina - Live! Im listening to Kitchie's at the moment. And I've been playing the "SAME GROUND" since this morning. Soothing to the ears. I like it. No. I LOVE it!!! Tell you more about the others when I decide to stop listening to Kitchie's Same Ground. =) Ciao!

[verse:]
My love,
Its been a long time since I cried
And left you out of the blue.
Its hard
Leaving you that way when
I never wanted to.
Self-denial is a game
Its strange I never would've
Wanted 'till there was you.

**'cause I have learned that love is beyond
What human can imagine,
More it clears the more I have to let you go.

[chorus:]
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling
So bad now when I know it was my idea.
I could've just denied the truth and lied.
But why am I the only one standing stranded
On the same ground?

[repeat verse except **]

'cause I have learned that love is a
Word gets thrown a little bit too much.
The best excuse to fill the infinite abyss
I would never ever have to if

[repeat chorus]

When else fail,
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fail,
Would you be brave
To see right through me?

Melancholy

the melancholy slowly rips her heart to bits. she tried to converse as she passes by like a gentle breeze. with each new day she tried to keep up, but the world is busy to listen to her grieve. she tried to stop someone but she ended up listening. she loves to listen but her heart is full. and so she travelled along with the wind. to where she will go, she didnt know.

Torn

How would u help someone close to you who was suffering emotionally? How would you let them know it'll be ok in the end? Of course they very damn well know that everything happens for a reason. Pain is different when you're the one feeling it. You can say you're strong to anything that comes along your way but it's really far from what you've been into and what you've imagine it to be. You can only imagine what it's like to feel the pain but you can never really feel the pain.

I've been there, of course. Many times. But none of it makes me ready for anything that had happened to me. Each anguish is different from the other. Each has a different level. Each makes me cry, makes me feel like it's the end of the world for me, makes me feel like im nobody. Each breaks my heart and after all these years, still brings sadness everytime I remember it even if I've found a way to overcome it. You see, none of the quotes or advices or words of wisdom could make you feel better in a snap of a finger. It's a long process of healing but it'll heal in time. The important thing is how we managed to get up. Let's not let it be the reason for us to give up something so wonderful that GOD had given us - to love. Yes, most of the times we crave for something we can't have or we fall for someone who's not meant for us or the good things in life that we have suddenly be the reason of our pain. We love not because we have to. We feel it. And for once, I never regret knowing and loving a few, than never had the chance to love.

I can't tell you how I felt the pain you're feeling. I can't tell you how it's going to be ok or everything happens for a reason. I can't tell you any better words than that. But I'll be here. To listen. To cry with you. To let you know that there are people who cares about you. It's a lot of shoulders for you to cry on. All you need to do is choose. =)

Take your time to grieve, kiddo.

Tagalog

*expressing gibberish sentiments is more vivid writing it in Tagalog, which by the way is my native dialect, than writing it in english. =)*

Trabaho. Daldalan sa jologz rum. Alt-tab. Dalawang bagay na mahirap pilit pinagsasabay habang tenga'y sinaksakan ng irpown ng mga kantang hindi mo malaman kung saan nanggaling. Ilang segundo mo pa lang papatugtugin, kahit nanalo ka pa ng swipstek, hihigupin nitong parang yakult ang kaligayahan mo kung meron man. Naranasan mo na ba yon? Yung minsan kahit wala kang problema bigla ka malulungkot dahil lang sa isang kantang napakinggan mo sa player mo o sa dyip o sa kung saan pa man? Lintek na kantang to, ala naman akong problema sa buhay (meron pala pero d ganon kalaki para humagulgol ako noh) pero parang ang bigat bigat sa kalooban. Sa isang araw na nakadiket pwetan ko s kinauupuan ko, ilang oras din yun, mga sandaang beses ko ata patugtugin mga kantang makabagbag damdamin. Teka ha iisa isahin ko. Think of Laura ni Kenny Loggins, Wag na Wag mong sasabihin ni Kitchie Nadal, Afraid for Love ni Lea Salonga, What Matters Most ni Kenny Rankin, saka Until I find you again ni Richard Marx. Sa loob ng 3 araw yan lang laman ng player ko. Wala ni isa mang nakakarelate sa buhay ko sa mga kantang yan sa ngayon, noon cguro pede pa. Ewan ko ba trip lang siguro? Siyeetttttt, kakaaning to pahreh. Mahilig naman ako sa alternatib myusik pero sadyang may mga panahon ata na sentimental ka lang. Sows. Think of Laura? Halllerrrr?!?!? Pampatay kaya yun! Kung ako buntis baka ginamit na ng anak kong lubed yung ambilical cord nya. Yun lang. *Bow*. Haayyy, cge makikinig pa ko. Ciao...

Budget Airlines

I can't hide the anticipation of spending longer than the usual 1 week with my family. Thanks to budget airlines like Tiger Airways , though I haven't heard any feedback of how convenient and comfortable it is, but still spending almost half of the usual fare is a big savings. 9 days to go!!! Yeyyyyy...

Jologz Rum

All the stuff that I do five times a week are boring, routine way of my survival in Singapore. Though, I must say that I have lived my life in a way that I aspire it to be, still, doing those things for the past five years of my life, doing the same work everyday bores me sometimes. And I must say that the "rum" have been a big help to spice up a bit our boring days at work. Here, we can be serious or be nasty or just talk about happy times. It had helped me to know my colleagues fully and considered them now as my very good friends. Some were married, some were single. Talking about life, about anything under the sun. I have learned a lot. Topics like laf, kras, being married, having a bebi, things that matter to us when we were still kidz, tsisi moments, anything! Words like "ayan", "etong tanong", "tenchu", "npbia", "wakana", "orayt", "gga", "haylafyu", "kaofens" and a lot more. It's like we've created our own lingo of some sort that only the "privileged members" can understand. Well, I can't imagine my life without these people who have somehow touched my life and had made a difference to some of my outlook in life. They have helped me boost my confidence, turn my "bad hair days" into a smooth one, they had helped me value even more the good things in front of me, they talked to me when stress is pinning me down, though sometimes, i admit that there are jokes that offends me, but most of it brought a smile to my face. =) Friendz are one of the valuable things in life that we can't afford to miss or lose. And Im glad I have them. Haylafyu@all.

The Emancipation of Mimi

Emancipation - liberation; setting free; release;

Finally!!! I have now a copy of Mariah Carey's new album. I bought it at HMV. Guilt-free. Spending 22 bucks is nothing compared to the bliss that I felt just listening to her music. But I thought she looks like Christina Aguillera on the cover. No doubt she had release the sexiness in her. She's a goddess! Oh well, I love Mariah. Not everyone loves her, though. I remember the first time I fell in love with her. I was watching MTV and then they show this video of her singing "HERO", wearing black pants with her usual big hair but verrrrryyyyy sexy. That's the first time I heard that song, first time I saw her on TV, first time I knew there's a good singer named Mariah Carey. Sigh. I just adore her. Anyway, here are some of the songs that I like: It's Like That, We belong together, Get your number (i thought she's singing it with Nelly coz it soundz like one of Nelly's songs), To the floor (now with Nelly), Circles (very mariah), I wish you knew. So, go and get your own copies now. Ciao!

She's suppose to have a concert in Singapore back in May 2004 and I'm all set to seeing her and hearing her voice in person but to my dismay, it was cancelled dues to SARS. I was devastated. I hope anytime this year she'll have a concert here in Singapore because whatever it takes I'll buy a front seat ticket!

Five Things

Five things you may not know about what i do in a typical day
1. on weekdays, i always set up my alarm clock to 6:45 (so that i could have extra 15 mins) but ends up waking at 7:30! (and im always late for work)

2. on my way to work (that is if i woke up early which is very very seldom), i always carry along with me a book to read.

3. my coffee routine: at home before i leave for work, at the office before i start working, in the afternoon to keep me awake, and in the evening after dinner.

4. in the office i start my day listening gospel songs on my mp3 player. (one of my favorites are deeper in love, above all, potter's hand, as the deer, kids in worship and now i dance) and when my "tank" is full, i switched to creed, green day, linkin park.

5. on a sunday, i snooze till 1 or 2 in the afternoon and 3 if i went out clubbing the night before, then do household chores with bebikoh, take a relaxing bath (doing some of my vain things), attend mass at 6pm, dinner, loaf around till sleeping time.

ABNKKBSNPLAKo?!

ABNKKBSNPLAKo?!  Aba nakakabasa na pala ako

I stopped reading "Trading Up" for a moment and opt to finish the book that cich lend me. Some lines were cliched but mostly taught about what kind of life we have during our school days. While reading, sometimes I cant help but smile remembering my good 'ol days in school. From the nutri-bun (a kind of bread), to name calling of teachers, to kinds of students, to having new set of things whenever school opens, to assignments, to projects, and to the very details that "make" us a student. Bob Ong, the author, is a genius for creating such book as this. I've finished reading his other book "Ang alamat ng gubat" and pleading cich to lend me the "Libro ni hudas". Ah, the perks of reading. Always satisfies me and serene my oh-so-stressful-life. As i always say, so many books so little time. Ciao!

Norah Jones Concert

bebikoh and i watched the norah jones' concert on sunday night with couples annie and patrick *who'll be getting married on wednesday, whohooooo!*. i feel like in a trance or something from hearing her voice. it was so far from listening to her cd's. she can make her audience laugh in a very charming way but you can still see her coyness.

every song touches my heart, especially the "One Flight Down" and "Don't know why". norah jones has brought class and taste back into music industry. im not a fan of jazz music, actually. im more of a Linkin Park-Green Day person. But when she sings, I felt some sense of relief. Anyway, like all good things in life, it came to an end. It only lasted for less than 2 hours but it was the best concert ive ever been to. it was such a good night.

Between Love and Responsibility

I find it very amusing to read a cheesy article like Joe D' Mango's. But each word from his advises melts my heart and taught me, somehow, in a way, few things in life especially in love. *Hey don't argue with me... I'm sentimental, I know!* I promise in as much as I can to update my blog every week with one of his article. (Source: http://www.inq7.net) Read on.

DEAR Joe,
It's been seven years since I met Marco, the man of my dreams. I was a high school senior and he was in college. He respected me, loved me, and took care of me. I thought things would be perfect for us, until one day Marco told me to forget him. I was shocked. Had I become a bad girlfriend? Then he confessed that his ex-girlfriend Marla was two months pregnant.

Joe, I never expected how much it would hurt. He married Marla and became a responsible father. Meanwhile, I graduated, moved on and went to the US.
Now it's been five years, and I'm back in my hometown. I looked for a job and met people. I actually met Marco once on the busy streets of Makati. We were both speechless. We had coffee, and I was excited to be with him again. Then I saw the wedding ring on his finger. It reminded me that he was already married. All he said was sorry. I looked straight into his eyes, and I wanted to scream and tell him how much he had hurt me. But his eyes melted my heart as and I felt instead like I wanted to kiss and hug him.

I asked him how he was. He told me he was fine, that he had one kid and didn't plan to have another. I was surprised when he told me the name of his daughter—it was my name. I was really touched and ended up crying. All these years, Joe, I thought I had moved on, but I was wrong.

He told me he loved me still. I never dreamed I would consider being a mistress. I could take him away from his wife but I couldn't take him away from his daughter. Now I'm so confused. I know which is the right thing to do, but I'm having a hard time ignoring him. I love him, Joe. I really do.

Sincerely yours,
Kathy


Dear Kathy,
There comes a time when the only way to love a person is not to love him at all. Marco sacrificed his own happiness for a responsibility he owed his ex-girlfriend and her child. His commitment to his responsibility outweighed his commitment to your relationship. But, as many would say, true love will always have a way of working its way back, no matter how long it has gone or how far it has been.
Marco said he still loves you. It is easy to blame him for leaving you. But he had his reasons and his reasons were noble. He had to sacrifice his own happiness for a child who is going to bear his name. That meant making a decision, and when he walked down the aisle with the mother of his child it also meant that he would not look back anymore.

When your paths crossed again, he saw what he missed. But marriage doesn't have any room for a second love. You have a place in his heart but not in his life now. That is the sad fact. And no matter how much love there is left in your heart, you will still have to be bound by reason and principle. As you said, you could never take him away from his daughter.

Kathy, not all fairy tales have happy endings. You have moved on and this brief interlude with a lost love should not keep you from going. Marco has his own life and family now. You could have a home in his heart forever but you should keep yourself from breaking into his real home. He belongs to someone else now, and you should, too.

Remember that no matter how long we have waited and failed, there will always be someone out there who will love us the way we want to be loved. There is always someone out there whom we can walk with and share our joys with. There is someone meant for us. All we have to do is believe that there is and give ourselves the chance to find it.

My Sunday Moment

Yesterday, we went to Boys Brigade to attend a "Worship Service". I don't have any notion of what was it all about. I just remembered once, my friend telling me something about it like the Israel and passover and some few things i can't remember. And so when he invited one of our friends, I decided to "tag along" and give it a try. I can honestly say that I enjoy every minute of it. *Well except for the part that I couldn't say* The place and the people gave us a very warm welcome that I could not resist but felt the peace and happiness of the people around us. I love listening to other people's laments and happiness because I always end up learning something. When the "sharing" part comes, I have trouble finding myself talking in front of many people. I have so many things inside my head that I wanted to share at that time but I can't talk just like that. I hate talking in front of many people. Plus the fact that I'm very emotional. I might cry and create a scene and make a fool out of myself. Maybe when the right time comes along. Who knows, I might continue attending the Shekinah (A hebrew word for manifest presence of GOD) or whatever they call it. (I know I still need help on this). Have to know what the church is all about! Oh by the way, I will still go to a catholic church every Sunday... Tenchu koks!

Friendster

Everytime I go through my friendster account, I can't help but feel sad. seeing the familiar faces of the people I love tells stories to be remembered, memories that some are of pure bliss and some have brought us pain. It allows me to feel vulnerable, like it's hitting my weakest spot until it's tender enough to break. Everytime I see all those faces, I'm reminded that there are only few who've actually asked how I've been and my incessant hankering for one, just ONE anything-under-the-sun conversation lingers like a stomach pain that won't go away. Friendster was made to reach out to those people who you've never had any contact with. For me, it's a constant reminder of how i've acquired a lot of so-called "friends" but only few really considered me as one. Those who really know the proper time I needed one...

Nhel

I was ecstatic after that "little talk" i had with my friend that saturday afternoon. He was, one of those people I've hurt so much but didn't have the chance to apologize. We've been together for less than a month and all I have were the letters and sweet notes that he have given me as a reminder of how he have been true to me. And for over ten years, inspite of what I did, we remain to be friends, good friends as I may say. And for this, I never failed to thank GOD for giving me so much blessings in my life.

Nel, always remember that you will always be special in my heart. GOD made us see the way to true happiness but sometimes in life for us to be able to see the beauty of what was in front of us we have to walk a few steps back to help us appreciate it even more. GOD had showed us the way to two different special people but still managed to leave us each other. I always thank GOD, for giving you the happiness that you truly deserve in Mel's loving presence, for giving you to me as a treasure that I'll forever keep, for giving me someone I never thought of deserving to have. And I'm forever thankful for we have both found the piece of our missing puzzle. Labsyu! Forever, Mel, my family, Rommel and I will always be here for you. God Bless!

Soulmate

I've asked few friends of mine what they thought of "SOULMATE". What does it mean and what comes first into their mind when this word pops suddenly into a conversation like this? And if anyone of them believe in it? Of course, different reaction from different people. Different views. Different beliefs. Some reacted, well, not violently, but almost *pis@ano*. Some may believe that this word is true. Some think of it as a waste of time. But if you look at the true meaning of the word "soulmate" it will surely stir the minds of many.


Nene-> do u blv in soulmate?
koks-> kelangan mag agree mona tayo dun sa definition bago tayo mag agree at disagree
benga-> malalim yan
maxx-> solmeyt = old frens yun souls nyo
cichlyd-> literally yun yun -> soul mates
benga-> pde rin kc soulmnate mo nanay mo tatay mo
Nene-> niniwala ka?@mmb
benga-> uu la nmn mawawala e *orayt*
cichlyd-> ko den
maxx-> bat date alan naman sinasabing solmeyts? kelan ba nauso?
benga-> kc ngayon pag solmeyt laging magjowa
koks-> ano ibeg sabihen?
benga-> d nmn ganun yun
benga-> ayon sa guni-guni un daw e iisang kaluluwa na napaghati kaya pag muling nagtagpo
Nene-> bakit nga ba may soulmate pa?
maxx-> e di tayo naniniwala sa reincarnation ah
benga-> kc sa catholic ndi pinaniniwalaan un
cichlyd-> wag nyo na kasi masyadong palalimin yung meaning
koks-> teka, i -establish muna naten ang meaning bago pagtalunan kung agree o hinde
koks-> korek, ke mababaw o malalim na meaning importante maliwanag sa lahat ang pinauusapan
koks-> pag nagkaganun, wala kang ma establish na universal truth everyting is relative
koks-> yun nga eh, aanhin mo ang opinyon kung iba iba ang basis
koks-> di ko alam kung ano yang soulmate , kaya nga kanina ko pa nitataong kung sino makakapag define
cichlyd-> ok ang depinisyon ko ng soulmate ay ganito
cichlyd-> yung tipong prenjie ko tas hindi na namin kelangan magpaliwanagan o magsabi minsan sa isat isa alam na namin ang gusto naming dalawa tas yung mga pagkakataon na yun napapadalas minsan
cichlyd-> basta mararamdaman mo e
Nene-> niniwala k s soulmate ende dahel sa religion del don s nararamdaman mo?
cichlyd-> uu@nene
cichlyd-> set aside ang religion
tsiskeyk-> soulmates - being with a person that u dont know, but feels like u know him/her all your life. overwhelming and wonderful feelings that u cant explain when ur with the person, u cant even call

I don't believe in this, actually. No reason at all. I just dont happen to believe that there is, err, such thing as soulmate.
Maybe some of you have an opinion on this?

Religion

With a group of friends, there were times that you can't help but talk about religion especially at this time that our dear beloved Pope just passed away. I don't intend to pass this kind of topic because i have so much in my mind. Im not saying that I am good at this or Im too confident enough to say that I know so much better than others. As a matter of fact, I still crave for these kind of knowledge. But sometimes, I just don't see why some people choose to insist what they believe in to others who are not on the same "road" as they are. I know I still have a lot of things to learn, and maybe just by listening I could learn more. But I couldn't help but think, yeah sometimes I need to listen but mostly, all I need is my faith to GOD that what we have between us is enough for me to know that I don't need to learn more from others. By experiences, HE had been my sole teacher from the things that if humans like me would taught me, it would confuse me even more. I may not have enough in my hands at the moment, but GOD will fill everything I need to know. Im not as strong as others. I am weak. But GOD will make me. He had made me for the past years of my life. So, in as much as I can, I tried not to judge other people from what they believe in or what they do. But hey, this only applies for me. *wink*

The OC's last episode of Season 1

Last night we were watching THE OC in dvd, season 1. And all I did was grab a tissue and wipe the gushing tears down my face. It's like I can't just stop crying. It's the last episode where Ryan bids goodbye to his "adopted family" because he have to go back to chino with Theresa who happens to be pregnant. It was the saddest episode ever! I vividly recall all my friends who've left not because they want to but because they have to and "choice" is not a powerful word for them at that moment. But whenever someone is leaving, I always end up thinking over and over again "why is it more painful to be the person being left behind than the one leaving?". I feel more compassion to those people. Because they're the one's who don't have the power to make someone stay. They dont have the choice but to shed tears and relive the remnants of the memories with that very same person. Living their everyday life with the could-have-been's and feeling so empty without the other. It's so hard to be at that end of the rope but things always turns out fine, gradually. As long as you know that what you once have will remain in your heart...

Lindol

Quarter to 11 last night while am at home with my friends, I thought I just felt dizzy. And then my friend said "lumilindol wag kayong gagalaw". I was really scared. It lasted for I don't know how long but to me it feels like eternity. I was frantically crying inside my room with my cousin. I don't know why I cried but I really really felt so sad at that moment experiencing one thing i feared the most and my bebikoh was not there. After all Ive been through, I thought I can live my life alone without anyone else. But I was so wrong. I have build my life around the few people that matters to me - My family and my bebikoh. Without them I am nothing. They are the reason of my existence, of my strength, of my every smile. I haven't watched any news yet. And as selfishly as I have been and Im asking GOD's forgiveness about it, because of fear I forgot to think of other people. I only reached out to those few people that really matters to me. And when I heard from my friend who have read the news, 300 people died in Nias, Indonesia, it strucks me that I never thought of other people. I didn't even utter a prayer for them last night. This really makes me sad. =(

Blogging

I guess this was meant to help people like me to overcome sadness and feeling alone and not having someone to talk to. I always mumble about how things were going on with me at the moment but it always passes by the wall like a wind. Nobody levels to the depth of my being. No one knows me better. To them, I am just an acquaintance, of no importance at all. Of what my personality consists only of those that hurts them. They do not see what is beyond those words. Maybe to them I am really not a friend. Because they don't know me. Or maybe I always say the wrong choice of words. I never had any hatred in my heart. Things happen and I let them be. But I can't help but be hurt when they do nothing but accused me when i am way too far being the person they thought I am.

Sentimental Fool

Today I'm feeling emotional. Maybe sign of old age hehehe. I don't know. I'm feeling sad and feeling vulnerable. No one to talk to. My bebikoh's busy with his work besides I know no one will understand me. Im just sad... Too sad. Happy in a way that my friend Annie have accomplished so many great things this year including two essential things a woman wants. Sad because anytime now she'll be leaving for LA. There's email, yeah, but it's different. Although I know that even she just stays 3 floors below from us and we don't see each other that much, the feeling of she's just there is always enough to bring me bliss. First, my dear dear friend Joey and then Eian, now it's Annie. The good times that we had will always be here in my heart, guys. Maybe that's the reason why pictures are invented. To keep the happy memories alive. To let us always see the good times of our friendship. Not the misunderstandings, or the times that we never had any communications, or the little things that we argue about. And that's what Im keeping here in my heart. Because friends, for me are important. I may not have that skill of keeping them or letting them know that they matter to me, GOD knows how they have changed me, how they have brought me tears and much happiness.

I know nothing in this world is permanent. Nothing will stay even if you asked or want them to. Im just glad and thankful to GOD that I've come along the path where they were. Im glad that Ive known few people I called friends and few I called best friends.

Coming Back

When things that you were thinking back when you were still at the stage of "im-still-hurt-don't-ever-think-of-coming-back" keeps playing in your ahead a few months ago and then things suddenly turning out fine, I can't suppress this happy feeling inside me. The pain of yesterday's wounds have healed little by little but not entirely. I dont know if my bliss lies to the notion that there's someone i can call "dad" again or knowing that my mom will finally get the happiness she truly deserve. Truly when you love someone it will always restore all the anguish you've felt, no matter how much it is. We can't accept him right away at our home just like that. Things will happen little by little. And if my mom accept him, there is nothing we could do but to pave way to the happiness of our mother. I just hope that he's back because he realized what he had done and he still loves my mom. Not because he sees something that will benefit him. Im sorry if I doubted him this way but i know that i'll be more sorry if i knew i was right. God sure knows when to pick you up and gives you so much joy that you don't deserve. =)

Regrets

There were these times in my life that I asked myself, what if i have made a different decision that would produce a different outcome, and would go the other way around? I tried to live my life as it is, without any regrets, without looking back to the what if's and could have been's of my life. But there were "things" that I can't help but hate that I have drowned myself in a pool of mud that I created. Where I've hurt some people I don't intend to put into so much pain. Where I could say that If only I've been so sane enough not to put up with such mess. Maybe things really happen for a reason. To teach me something or to make me realize that what I have in my hand are the best and they were God's gift to me. I crave to taste what others have to which have done nothing but lead me to pain and vast misery. I may have lost a few that matters so much to me, but I know that I've learned my lesson well.

The hardest thing that life can offer

I've known them too long, as a couple, as partners. Whenever we attend parties, you can see them either in one corner or talking to other people. But they were there... together... with much bliss that can't be illustrated even by picasso. I am used to it. Everyone is used to it. I see them almost every month together, not once one of them attended a party without the other. And then that changed. It's been countless times that she went to our place, alone. She had a smile on her face but it's different. I began to wonder why is he not around for a number of times. I asked her twice, she said he's working overseas. I don't know why I could not believe it. But something tells me that there's something wrong. But I let it pass. I wanted to ask but I can't just do that.

Yesterday, after our usual party-till-dawn event, she approach me. She told me everything. They can't be together now for some reasons. Tears kept flowing down my eyes. I can't help it. It's as if I was there watching her in pain, but I couldnt help her. I felt her pain. I know the feeling. And i know how hard it is. But pain varies for every person no matter how she or he can carry it. She's brave. I saw those eyes full of anguish but I see God's strength. They've been together for 6 years. I never thought things like this will happen just like that. I know things happen for a reason. I know that GOD has always something better for all of us. I know everything will turn out fine. But it's never easy to carry out so much pain. I've experienced it and yet the wisdom that this pain have thought me years ago just vanished. Instead I felt the grief that I once endure. I have not given her enough strength. I just sat there silently, weeping, responding only when she needs it. But I think, none of what I said, helped her. I wanted to but I wasn't strong enough. She's even stronger than me.

Things like these aren't new to my ears. They've been there all along, making it happen, making me realize, making me feel how things are when it comes to these kinds of predicament. But when it happens to you or to the people you love and cared about, you felt the twinge of pain as much as they are feeling it. It saddens me why some people have to endure pain such as this. Why things like this happen? Why do good people have to endure such agony? I know GOD will never leave her. It is not GOD who planned these things. Done by the people who never cared at all. Done by some who for some reason was trapped with choices. I don't know what I believe in right now. I don't know if being cynic about love will make a difference. I don't know if it'll be the same if I don't love much. I'm sad even if there's a lot of things that brings me bliss every second of my life. I felt alone even if I have the people around me who do everything to make me feel loved and important. I've been locking myself up in a place where there are no friends who could hurt me. Only GOD, my family and bebikoh matters to me. But sometimes it upsets me knowing that I love and value few friends but I don't know if I have made a way to let them know that.

Its true that a friend's agony will always be a ghost in you. Afraid of what you may become when you're at her shoes, maybe? Or losing trust to the ONE who could only give you strength? Im being sad and pathetic. But this is what I feel. This is my blog anyway. It'll go away sooner or later. I know it's not suppose to be a sad day or something bec it's heart's day, but I so can't help it. For now, thanks for listening, errr, reading...