Korean Drama

Due to the influence of certain peers, I have found myself getting addicted to the korean drama movies. My first, "The Sassy Girl", followed by "Windstruck", "The Classic" and nos of titles some I can't remember. Just recently I found myself watching "My Boyfriend is Type B" in a movie house which is very unusual for me but I find it very amusing, though. It was then followed by "100 Days with Mr. Arrogant" and now I've found a reason to sleep very late at night watching "Lovers in Paris". *Tenchu mami s and dadi m* Uber-Kilig, if I must say. Imagine two wonderful guys falling in love with you, not that I enjoy having that certain dilemma of course, but really, this brings "kilig" moments. The stars were not that good looking actually maybe that's the reason why it looks more realistic hehehe. I'm on my 3rd CD now and hoping to catch up with my sister (she's on her 5th, btw), which i think is very impossible.

"Girls often dreams about this where she feels like a withered flower surrounded by all these fabulous famous people and out of nowhere this prince on a white horse calls her name, holds her shoulder and gently touches her hair and walk her home... but that is too perfect..." - Tae-Young, LiP

Interview

I had a job interview last night after a very long time. It was an informal interview since they were Mr. A's friends from the office. It was a first experience for me having someone i know, partied few times, and had drinks with, interviewed me. Plus the fact that the ambiance is inside a bar, they were asking me questions in front of a jug of beer. In as much as I want to stay calm, my body seem to shake and felt the cold of the air conditioned room when they started asking me questions about what I do. I guzzle the beer in front of me and answered their queries. There were times that I feel like I have not explained much but I think I have gained the confidence that I much needed. Even if I may not get that job that I really need, I know that there's no reason for me to be negative about it. I have somehow realized that I don't need to make an impression that Im good at something Im not. I just told them what I usually do in the office (well except for tsating hehe), and impressed on them that my knowledge may not be that extensive due to the lack of resources and limited access that Ive been given from where i work, I am one person who's willing to to learn more. The "interview" started at 7pm and Mr. A joined us by 9pm, went home around 11 and by the time I reached home, I'm already tipsy because of that vodka drink I had. That vodka incident was funny, bec I was trying to say no after 3 glasses of beer by saying that Im no beer drinker.

Him1: But you always go out partying wat.
Me: Oh, I always drink vodka. Im not much into beers.

Well, stupid me! And so he ordered another jug of beer for them (one singaporean and one swiss interviewing me that night) and a vodka for me!!! Shucks, I did tried to say no but he insist. After few sips, I think he notice I didn't like drinking it pure, so he kindly asks me not to drink it if it's too strong for me. Thank God. *Maybe I should have said tequila instead* Anyway, that's how my "interview" goes. I really did want to improve what I learn and earn more hehe, but I leave it all to God. He knows better what's best for me and my family.

And before I had this interview, honestly, I did think of making up an excuse that Im sick or something, but there are people who believe in me as much as I do in myself. Thank you friends. Thank you Mr. A. Thank you sis.

Annie

*reminder: this will take much of your time if you're planning to read this.

The friend that Ive known, partied with, laugh with, shared stories about love, life, fashion, who's crazy about my sopas, will be saying adieu in few days time. Sad as I may be, i still feel ecstatic of how her life had changed from better to best.

REMINISCIN'
At this time a year ago, we have done nothing but partying, and going to bars, friend's abode, sipping wine, puffing cigs, travelling, shopping, and talking about her ex's and my crushes and what's in and out in fashion. We had countless dinners having fun, no dull moments. We always make fun of "my getting married" issue. We never talk about her, or Myla's, or Thess' settling down this year. We talked about serious matters too, but we never let it get in our way of having fun.


THE STORY
And then she met Mr. ultra-mega-hyper-in-a-good-way Patrick. Back from her vacation in the US, she called me.

Her: "Mars, punta ka dito. Andito na mga pasalubong ko sayo."
Me: "Hi!!!! Welcome back! Cge I'll drop by tonight. "
Her: "Ok See yah!"
Me: "C u."

I was sure that aside from just being excited on telling me how her vacation has been, I knew right there and then that she got more interesting to tell me. So I went that night. Blah blah's and then...

Her: "I'm getting married!"
Me: "What? With whom? Di nga? Are you... I mean, wow, uhmmm, orayt! Yay!"

What? I am speechless! Thunderstruck as I may have been, but I was euphoric, very very very much happy for her. But as soon as I regained my equanimity (hey, don't whine. here's where I can only use the big words ive read from the piles of books i have at home), with a wide smile on my face, I asked her to tell the story. Yeah of course, I asked questions too. Lots of it. How they met, who is he, how everything happens. Being a friend, I asked for details. Don't get me wrong, but at first I thought it was all coming too fast. That she's just being impulsive. I am no cynic about love, believe me, I am a big fan of it as a matter of fact, but I know my friend so much. So I asked...

Me: "Buntis ka ba?" *which i later on realized that's it's impossible for you to know that in less than a month's time.*
Her: "Hahahaha sira! Lika panoorin mo tong ginawa nyang cd for me"

And so we watched. The pictures from her vacation and the proposal. I cried. Im sorry but I was touched by everything. I don't know the guy enough for me to say that she had found what she truly deserve. But I still told her that she had. She deserves the best.


THE PROPOSAL
Lemme tell you little sumtin about the proposal. She was on her way back to Singapore from her vacation. While Patrick's niece is filming the entire dramatic scene, few minutes before she board the plane, he knelt down, took her hands, said his lines and then pop the question! Oh, shoot, it was more romantic watching the real thing really than me telling you about it.


MEETING THE GUY
Come february, her birthday, her last singapore birthday, party at her place. Few drinks, invitees that some I've only know from the parties we had, few common friends, and then she introduced me and bebikoh to her fiance. We had a blast that night. We went to Insomnia afterwards. Did it ever occurred to you that the saying "First impression lasts" is not true after all? Well, he had somehow embed on me at first that he was a typical fil-am guy. A latino style, conceited, too-much-air-there, kind of a guy, if you know what I mean. He was really funny, and very sweet to her but I still thought he was arrogant. And when they invited us for breakfast the morning after, I suddenly dreaded of not going there, bec I dont want to hurt my friend, not that my opinion matters to her. Anyway, I know that I cant do that to her, so we went there. The meet-ups became regular and now he's back again to be with my friend until she got her visa. And now, as I recall those firt impressions, i can't help but smile. She really have found the best as he had found the best in her. They deserve to be with each other. He's very ultra mega hyper which seems to me and everyone around him find it very amusing and matches my friend's manner being "mababaw ang kaligayahan" she is.

Soon it will be "saying goodbye" time. I have done this a lot of times to my friends who had to go to a direction different from what we used to have, but none of it makes it easier for me and prepares me for the next. No matter how I tried to be ok with it,I still can't face the fact that another friend is leaving - for good. Im just glad im living in the era of new technologies - Emails,Yahoo Messenger, phones. So now, im here, pretending to be working, facing the only stable in my 5 years here - my monitor who's my solitary viewer seeing the melancholy on my face.

Well, to you annie, the fun things we shared wil never be forgotten. I wish you, Mrs. Simon, *how do you like that, huh?*, and Patrick, and Joshua Ray, all the strength, fun filled, full of love in this new chapter of your life as one. Luv yah... Really crossing my finger to see you again in 2007, either at your wedding or at mine. Yeyyyyyy. Take care always and let's keep in touch. =) You're one friend that I'll never get tired of remembering.

Bittersweet Memories

"There are times when no matter how much we show our love and give so much of ourselves to someone, we still cannot find enough reason why he or she doesn't seem to care about us."

"When we start assessing the value of someone, quantifying and qualifying the kind of person he or she is, we begin to lose grasp of the real essence of love. Real love doesn't look at reasons to love. When we truly love a person, we just love that person regardless of what he or she can or cannot give us back. When we start to have reasons for loving someone, then we're bound to fall out of love when we lose these reasons. It has been said that the greatest measure of love is its ability to continue loving even when we cannot find a reason to love anymore. That is the real essence of love. When we can think of one reason not to love a person, then we can't be capable of truly loving because love doesn't keep a scale of what it can gain from a relationship. Real love is unselfish."

"You are who you are and you should be loved not for what someone wants you to be but for who you truly are."

"Let your bittersweet memories remind you of how much you have loved, but let it also remind you how much more beautiful it would be if that love is shared with someone who will accept you for who you are, and love you not for what you can become but what he becomes because of you."

Dance with my father

Dance with my Father - Luther Vandross

back when i was a child
before life removed all the innocence
my father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
spin me around till i fell asleep
then up the stairs he would carry me
and i knew for sure i was loved

if i could get another chance
another walk another dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
how i'd love love love to dance with my father again

when i and my mother would disagree
to get my way i would run from her to him
he make me laugh just to comfort me
then finally make me do just what my mama said
later that night when i was asleep
he left a dollar under my sheet
never dream that he would be gone from me

if i could steal one final glance
one final step one final dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
coz id love love love to dance with my father again

sometimes id listen outside her door
and i hear how my mama would cry for him
i pray for her even more than me

i know im praying for much too much
but cld u send back the only man she'd love
i know u dont do it usually
but dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

every night i fall asleep
and this is all i ever dream


*sometimes i wander to a place i only know where everything i want and needed is there... where its just enough for me and the people i love to call it a perfect world... where i could have a dance with my father... where pain and anguish doesnt exist... where tears were only shed because of so much joy ... *

Lost

a bouyant persona
that's who i am
nowhere to run to
adrift in the wilds

a glimpse of light
is the only guide
trying not to stumble
amidst of the rubble

a quandary i must face
vague of decisions
tattered compassion
trapped in oblivion

ahh, paradox of life
one cannot fathom
i seek the gist
but im simply lost

Habedey, Daddy

It's been years since I last uttered these words and bought a lovely present for you. Actually, it's been years since we talked and called you Daddy. But I know it's no time for sentiments. Although, I felt obliged to greet you, I couldn't make myself do it. I may regret it for not doing it, but i'll know it when its time. And it will come... soon. Always know that in my heart, "daddy's little girl" has never renounce on you. The nostalgic feeling has always been here. I love you, daddy and happy birthday. May God give you if not the best of everything but a healthy life. God Bless always.

When the best isnt good enough

"Acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame."

"Acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself."

"For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it."

"When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past."

- excerpt from Joe D' Mango's labnowts

Kodak Moments

Three years before digital camera made it to the trend, i used to kill and waste all of my time doing scrapbooks out of all the KODAK MOMENTS I had and captured in my "film-camera". And honestly, those years have been memorable and very fun, celebrating bdays here and there and going places with friends and almost every month there is always something for my camera to seize. There were times that I asked myself why do i even bother wasting my time putting all the pictures in an album, decorating it where there are still a lot of things to waste my time on? And the dilemma of having these things adds up when you move to another place. But last night, I leaf through all the albums again, and all I did was smile. Like a time machine, taking me to years back in my life, musing over places, people and things that once have been part of my life. All those trips to places we travel along with our group of friends, the parties we had, the clubbings, meeting different people from other places, sharing secrets, jokes, witnessing your friends from courtship till they got married and having a bday party every year for their child, how i used to play with my friends' kids when they were still young and looking at them now all grown up amuses me, all these things were all here in front of me, all packed up in this piece of "JUNK" as i always and some called it. It's a part of my life, only the ones that's full of bliss. Only those things in my life that I always want to remember and let others see in me. That once, I have lived my life to the fullest. With friends that loves and cherish me. Being away from my family, friends are the closest one I could have. And Im glad those years of my life were captured and neatly recorded in a scrapbook. Regrets for wasting my time on those pieces of junk? I don't think so. =)

Away from the sun

She sits by the window as the music serenes her inner being. Time moves slowly... Back into the time where she listens to the same old song, sitting in a chair, reading emails, chatting with him... She smiles... She remember how it used to be... How she often see his eyes filled with love and compassion and longing. How every single minute matters. How everything around them is a field of roses with a little rays from the sun. And then she wokes up from reminiscin facing what was hers now. Years have gone by. Things around them changes. Love stronger. Miles away from where everything started. Meeting other people by chance. Some of them just pass by, some stays. She crawl back into the bed not wanting to wake the peace of his sleep. She looked at him. She lightly kiss him in the forehead bidding him goodnight. But she lays there wide awake. Thinking... Of how it all used to be. Of the difference of the NEW and the OLD. Of how people, no matter what age, enjoys things, relationship, food, adventure, places, toys, whatever it is, NEW makes people happy. The eyes, that they say is the window to thy soul, is burning with desire, with longing, with hope that it'll never go away. That it'll stay forever. But when it does, the compassion slowly ebbs away. It slowly creeps into that pile of their everyday life. Their monotonous life. She wants the OLD thing to go back. She thought how life would be better if she see how love grew stronger with the OLD ways still adhering. One has to go on living the life of how it should be not the way one want it to be. She miss the OLD life. She miss seeing the colours around her. She hates being snared in an insipid world. She wanted to run... Away from the light the sun brings.... Away from NEW... Back to OLD...

Im too sad tonight =(

It was a long story and I'll be blogging about it maybe next week when my anger and sadness subsides. I've been calling my sister apple and she's been cancelling my calls, obviously not wanting to talk to me. I dont know the reason but maybe she doesn't want to get scolded or being asked of how she left our youngest home alone. It really saddens me thinking of how much sacrifice you've made to certain people in your life especially those you love the most and all you got is this... I don't wanna brag about how much helped I've given them and Im not asking much from them. All I want is respect and a little appreciation of what I am in their life. If they can do this to me, how much more to our mom? Heartaches brought by friends and guys I've been in love with is nothing compared to what Im dealing now. I've tried every ways I can just to reach out to them but to no avail. I feel like I dont matter at all to them. I hope GOD will help me to make them understand what life really is. And what Ohana is all about. =(

Game Over

Big leap. Huge event. Life's waiting time is over. Reached the limit. No time to grieve. Wounds are healed. Heart's revealed. It seems forever to be in the dark. The sun is out. Light over my head. Smile on the face. Bliss is here. Finally over. All it takes is just a call. Divulge the monstrocity the feelings swathe. Fondness gone, revolting self revealed. Delighted it's over. Moving on.

I remember you

it only takes few things.... one song, a sweet scent of a familiar perfume, a place, a casual mention of the name... to remember someone... to remember you...

Sensitivity

it's that time again to crawl back in the cocoon that wraps me and keeps me away from the outside world where people hurt me. I don't want to live my life getting used to what others want from me. I want to live it the way I wanted it. im always aware of what other may think and what others may feel from all the things i do but none of them do the same thing for me. im that someone who needs care and attention. im that someone who also needs a friend. im that someone who also needs a shoulder to cry on. im that someone who's also human. feels everything that you do. hears everything that you heard. insensitivity is not something you have to be proud of. you've hurt someone and it's just to mend someone's broken heart especially when it's you who have caused it. dont justify something by saying it's who you are. never closes a door when someone offers a help. they never meant to interfere in your life. its simple and its pure offering bec they care about you. dont play with someone when heart's vulnerable. the more you tried to lighten up the conversation the more you press on the wound. be sensitive enough when one's already suffering and make a difference by offering a help but never make fun out of other people's feelings. people who cried in anguish are sensitive and they need someone to be there for them. not someone who'll walk away from them when all they ask is a shoulder to cry on. never think only of what you feel but consider others too. you may not know when you have caused a turmoil and broken somebody's heart.

i know... im being sentimental again... but it's my turf. and it's my right...

The real me

Some people may not comprehend me. Some have troubles getting on my mood. Some chooses to ignore my existence just to save themselves for trying to know the real me. But I don't think Im much of a difficult person to know. Im simple. I like things as simple as Im saying it. Whenever there's something troubling me, I say it out loud as long as I won't hurt anyone. Though there are times that I am hurting them. But few friends know the real me. There are few who refuse anything coming from me when all I wanted was to reach out and give my hand. There are few who took a word I say as a destruction to their sanity. Sometimes, I say things that meant the other way around not what they thought it was. Some just didn't like the way I offer my friendship. There are friends who really considered me as friends but left with no choice but to live their life different from mine. This is what life is all bout for me. The more I reached out for it to blend in with my dumbfounding life, the more it inches away and defy my existence. Ironic isn't it?

Anyway, sometimes talking helps. It's just a matter of knowing the proper use of modulation to get a better result from your audience. Specifically, in a relationship. The thing with relationship, though my knowledge may be little compared to others, even when you feel that your partner hurts you in a way that they don't know, you chooses to keep it to yourself and say nothing until everything piles up and explodes just to save both of you from arguing over something that doesn't really matter. But things are different from mine. As I have said, I am the kind of person that saying out loud what I feel be it positve or not is something that I have lived through. But it seems that no matter how nice I say it, it always gets mistaken for something. No, giving up is not on my list. I always do it although there are instances that I wanted to run away from it. And Im glad last night's was a triumph. I've made it through my target's heart. At least that's what I've seen. And I hope GOD would help me to be more understanding and mature and help me make my partner understand of who I really am and what I really want him to grasp. Im not a complicated person. If you look at me closely, you can see and know the real me. *ako si darna*

KL Trip and being mushy

Just got back from our KL trip and it's a bit tiring but I enjoyed being with my Mom and sister. We spent the whole saturday in KLCC, and although there's no good place to go to, still, it's not enough for us to explore more of KL. But I think my family enjoyed it though there's nothing much for them to see. We took a rest and drifted to sleep and woke up past 6. We weren't able to go to church bec it's already late. So that's it.

Btw, today's mother's day. And Im really glad that Mom's celebrating it with us. There's a flower delivery for her and she doesn't seem to be much of the "appreciative" person. But I dont mind. I know she appreciates it. She just didn't react the way Im expecting her to be. There's nothing much to say about our KL trip because we spent the whole trip shopping hehe. It's good to see my friends, Eian, Edward and Don and their little princess Iyah, who hugs me tightly the moment she sees me. Melts my heart really. *sigh* If not for that tiring 5-hr drive, I'll come by and visit them every weekend.

I miss my good friend Eian too. Especially talking about the good times we had. Those good times when we were still single and foolishly call ourselves as Charlie's Angels. Funny in a way. I miss my friends =( I miss Eian. I miss Annie. I miss Joey. I miss you guys. I may not have the courage to tell them how much I did miss them bec I dont want to sound too mushy, but GOD knows. It's very rare to find friends like them. Everything is fun sharing with them and being with them. Well, things are different now. Joey's in Manila, and I don't know if or when he's gonna come back. Eian's 7 months preggy and 5-hrs away from me. I still have Annie, though. But saddest thing is she'll be leaving for LA in 2 months time. =( And she's preggy
at the moment. People come and go, I know that. But few people have left footprints in my heart. And I'm just happy for them living their life to the fullest with a lot of achievements and blesssings to thank for. In a way, I envied them. The world keeps on revolving around them and mine just stays the way it has been. For another year, I will be doing the same routine. It's not that I dont like it. I just want something to change in my life - in a decent way.

How my day has been

I've been busy the whole day trying to do two projects at the same time. Both have deadlines. Both needs to be done immediately. My mind's been working all day and my capacity's maximum of four hours only! Harhar. I'm jsut really tired. But I really did have a lot of things to do. Considering the STRESS Im having right now. *Sigh* Anyway, I worked till 7pm then went to Kodak center to photocopy kendz's papers. 10 copies of each and Im holding about 10 pcs of papers. It's a lot but I know she really needs it. So I lazily do whatever I need to do. The man behind me was holding a piece of paper so I asked him to go ahead. After I've copied all the copies I need, i proceed to pay the amount. Then the man approaches me and told me im too kind. And he said a lot of nice things about me which I can't remember bec I was too busy thinking of what will I do next. Im too tired but I still managed to smile and nod along with all the things he was saying. He's a kind old man too humble to notice a simple gesture done for him and was nice enough to tell that person. It somehow made my day. Believe me I'm rude when people are getting nasty to me and being inconsedirate at times. But I respect elders and nicer to those who are to me. Maybe this meant to teach me to be more patient to other people. From Kodak, I went to NTUC to buy few things my Mum asks me to. *One of the things I'll miss when she went back to Manila sighhhhh* Then head back home. I feeellll soooo tired.

Converse

Although it's not entirely true, part of it I guess. To be able to get married, it takes two to tango right? And no matter how excited I am to get married if my partner's not, how will that possible? But come to think of it, deep inside me I know that I am just excited with the thought of getting married and not being married. I still have huge responsibilities and I can't take another one if my first is not done yet. Am not blaming him for putting all his obligations on my shoulder, although there are times that I think of the what-if's. Things happen for a reason. And there are reason why Im still single at the age of 28 (going 29 this year!). I'm enjoying my life and whatever it is that comes along my way may it be bad or good, I'll try not to blame it on the strings of my past but accept it as it was how my life was design by GOD.

Stress

Mind's so stressed this morning. My agent just called me and forcing me to decide if i'm going to renew my contract for another year. I really can't decide just like that. I was relying on the 10% we agreed upon before I signed the 2 + 1 contract. No increase for the first 2 years and 10% on the 3rd. The problem is they don't want to give it. I've talked to my boss and he confirmed what my agent told me. Houston, we have a problem. Huge! Arrrggghhhh, it's killing my diminutive brain hehehe. Plus I'm thinking about my CPF contribution for my 2nd year will be 24% of what I earn so this is a tough thing for me to decide. I know that the CPF will also be mine in the end like a force savings and it will be no problem for me if im only thinking of myself. I have family to support to. I can't afford to take any risk just like the previous years of my time. Everytime I need to sign another contract I've been looking outside for another job because I want a new thing in my life. Been bored working for the past four years doing the same work. I want to "upgrade" my skills but it's something that i can't afford to do. I've been praying to GOD to give me guidance and i know when i talked to my agent again *she gave me until 12 before lunch* what I'll decide is what GOD wants me to do. And i know it's the right one. Please enlighten me! =(

False hope

The bliss of a few minutes conversation puts false hopes once again that the acrimony slowly melts down. Anticipation rises up with every sound that aikon makes hoping that it will always be that someone. But that chat only happens when time steals away the tedium and the last resort will always be you. Funny how loathe ends up with hope when few words were spoken and sweet voice were heard. Dont pray for something to happen that could only make you jovial in less than an hour but desire for that bliss to be forever with you. The glee of not waiting in vain for that someone to take notice of your existence and the serenity of being in your own world not depending your happiness to someone who never had the slightest notion of what you're going through. Standing alone, stranded on the same ground.