Naiibang kapaskuhan

Panahon na naman ng kapaskuhan. Marami sa atin excited ng umuwi. Yung iba naglilista na ng mga pagbibigyan ng regalo. Nagkukwenta ng budget for the coming christmas. May mga nagdedecorate na ng christmas tree kahit november pa lang. Meron namang excited sa preparation para sa noche buena or any upcoming parties. May nagbibilang ng inaanak, iniisip kung sino ang possible na pedeng taguan. Iba ibang klase ng preparations. Iba ibang tao. Iba ibang pagiisip kung pano ise-celebrate yung christmas in a different way every year.

Pero meron ding mga tao na tuwing pasko dumodoble ang saya. Sa onting oras na may kahalong pagindak at pagkanta, ibang ligaya na ang makikita sa kanilang mga mata. Simpleng sanwits at mumurahing juice, maliwanag pa sa sikat ng araw ang kanilang mga ngiti na di mo mamalayan, mas doble o triple pa palang saya ang nabibigay sayo. Sila sina lolo't lola. Mga taong naghahanap din ng yakap at halik sa noo kahit minsan sa isang taon lang. Mga taong nagaabang sa pintuan kada sasapit ang araw ng kapaskuhan. Kalahating araw mo'y katumbas na isang taon nilang kaligayahan sa mga nalalabing panahon nila.

Ang sarap isipin na ang pasko ay hindi lamang cinecelebrate dahil isa to sa mga okasyon na kinamulatan mo na. Minsan may nagtanong sa king tsekwa "what's gud in celebrating christmas? Is it the gift giving thing?". Napangiti ako. Hindi lang naman kasi iyon lang ang reason eh. Yung feeling ng nagbibigay ka ng saya sa kapwa mo. Yung feeling na parang lahat ng tao sa paligid mo mahal na mahal mo. Na lahat sa kanila ang nakikita mo lang kabutihan. Lagi kang nakangiti ng hindi mo namamalayan na pag may ibang nakakita sayo, kahit sabihing para kang sira, napapaganda mo din ang araw nila.

Ilang araw na lang pasko na. May mga tao mang hindi makakapiling ang mga pamilya o mahal nila sa buhay, marami namang tao sa mundo na nagiintay non. Tulad nina lolo at lola. Minsan dalawin natin sila. =)

Reverie

Im kinda feeling not so great at the moment. I regret not going to church today and Im sure no one will understand my reason.

Anyway, I just remember how my reverie was. It was so vivid that I felt like it just happened yesterday. Not clearly remembering though where I was only that I saw two little boys running from our door and hugging me. And then I saw him. Standing there. And then I woke up. With vast reasons as to how I had a dream about him with the two kidz, I wonder how and why after all these years, only then that Ive seen him in my dreams.

Or maybe, it has something to do with the card he sent two years ago. I found it yesterday while I was looking for old christmas cards. It doesn't make sense, though because I've never forgotten him eversince. I always have mixed emotions hearing his name. How would you ever forget someone who caused you so much? Most of my writings were ingeniously done bec of him. Most of the times we remember how we have lived our life through pain not through the wonderful memories that have made us a better person. Because sometimes pain make us stronger.

No matter what the reasons may be, I hope and pray that he's doing good. Especially my younger half-brothers.

A narrative of my own

if i could write a novel, it will be of my own
so other people will know of the things ive known
of how GOD works in His own mysterious ways
that only few can comprehend and see the rays

i would put the things that made me cry
of how i dealt and sometimes aim to fly
leave everything undone and run away
so anguish will get out of my way

i am not perfect and i am not strong
i give in to things that are so wrong
but GOD made me stumble from where i stand
He open my eyes to make me see where i will land

i will write not just for others to see
but a reminder that all throughout, GOD is with me
that pain and tears didnt leave me weak
fervent, standing tall, nothing but meek

Pain

Painful though experiences have been, they made us a stronger person, better able to understand the reality of life

Suffering has many dimensions, and perhaps the most common is physical pain. Everyone suffered it at some time, in varying degrees. It can be constructive: a useful warning that something is wrong or that some of our habits are unhealthy; it gives us a chance to correct things. A different kind of pain is emotional and spiritual anguish suffered by all of us when we lose a loved one. Bereavement disrupts the whole structure of our lives and throws us into chaos. It can feel similar to physical pain and indeed can cause it.

Analgesics can relieve the symptoms but cannot remove the cause.

Every relationship carries the possibility of pain: to risk loving someone is to risk the pain of losing them.

-------------

Some people seek to escape pain through pleasure, the abuse of alcohol or drugs; some are driven to despair and suicide. Some seek solace in religion while others blame God for their troubles and reject it all. Yet the experience of pain always has some positive aspects: it can increase our compassion for others, and our understanding of what other people may be feeling, even when their experience is different from our own.
- The tears of my soul, Sokreaksa S. Himm

Reading

By reading, I learned a lot. There are millions of books scattered around the world that some made me see what life couldn't bring me, some take me to places without leaving my own crib and spending a fortune, some, like a time machine, takes me to the year where I wasn't born yet, some fill my mind with historical knowledge, some open my heart to understand other people's feelings, some made me see the unfathomable reasons to some questions that was on my mind, some awakens my soul, some made my faith stronger than before, some creates chaos, and some confuse me even more.

I, for some reason, got addicted to reading. That sometimes, the "reading time" that i have is too short when there's a lot of good books to read. I took few hours time from my sleeping time just to be able to fill up the hanging questions inside my head. Sometimes, i wish that when i reach the age of 70, i will still have my good eyesight because i know by that time, i will have all the time to read. I jot down some good quotes or phrase that i stumble upon reading, so i will remember some of it when i grow old. Because I know, whatever happens, this notebook will be my only solace.

I've read a lot of novels. I've watched a lot of movies. I love anything and everything. There is no waste of time or not-so-good kind of movie or novel to me. Because each story gives me lesson to learn, a few lines that i can adapt and relate to and some lightens up my stressful days.

I know I'm not good at writing nor convincing other people to feel what I feel. It's just that when I am enthusiastic about something, I want other people to feel it too. And I know this article doesn't mean anything to you because this talks about what I am feeling at the moment and nothing that interests you. Anyway, before you get tired of reading me, may I suggest few good titles that you could read? Well some of it are the few ones I can remember. Even if you dont have the time, one page each day will be enough. Happy reading!

01. Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom
02. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
03. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
04. Timeline by Michael Crichton
05. Five People you meet in heaven by Mitch Albom
06. The Testament / The Brethren by John Grisham (or any of his book)
07. 11 Minutes by Paulo Coelho
08. Message in a bottle by Nicholas Sparks (or any of his book)
09. Can you keep a secret by Sophie Kinsella
10. To kill a mocking bird by Harper Lee
11. Cather in the rye by J.D. Salinger
12. Heavenly Man by Brother Yun
13.The Tears of my soul by Sokreaksa S. Himm

If you know any good book, please let me know...

Will you listen?

mind is preoccupied with quandaries
heart filled with love full of boundaries
to whom i would run and tell all my miseries

everyday i tried to fill the emptiness
trying hard to pick up the lost pieces
i cannot live my life with undone puzzles

soul longs for someone who could just listen
seeing me as a person in need instead of a fiend
not someone who will condemned me in the end

struggling to fight, battle is long
keeping the heart from what is wrong
fighting back the tears, sing the song

ill seek a place, where my heart can rest
where there is peace and there is no test
though im in pain, i'll do what is best

Itch

that itch that enfolds your beauty
to look at it without a stroke is a pity
sometimes i cannot hold it any longer
desire to give in, yearn for u to linger

ill be strong, i wont give up, baby dont fret
ur exquisiteness will flourish, future is set
not moving a muscle, adhere to where i stand
anticipation grows to see thy splendour grand

through the facet, i run my fingers
i close my eyes, i feel the hunger
gradually the delineation i feelshowing impression a moment could steal

*how i'll remember the work of art,the irritating itch not the hurt

Masterpiece

bearing a masterpiece is something
to some this represents an evil doing
convey a simple significance of art
people that are close to my heart

the pain i endure for years incised
symbol of great love and ecstacy lies
never it will ebb, eternally it'll remain
for thy profound meaning & beauty lies within

trembling with fear, i sit in a chair
will i endure the pain or run back to my lair
been through a lot of hurting compare to this one
in an hour, pain will subside ur beauty will reign

*for the art etched in my skin forever it will remain

I had it... finally!

Way back in high school, my first boyfriend had a tattoo one with my name on it and one with our name. He did it by himself actually, and I can say that he had inspired me or have been the sole source of my thinking that I'll have one on myself one day. But definitely not the name of a boyfriend. (Yeah we didn't end up together and I think his wife has been so jealous about it haha who wouldn't be?)

Anyway, a year later, Ive completed the concept. Still, the audacity of having it on my own skin was nowhere to be found. Until recently. Two weeks ago, I completed the design. Now it's here on my skin. I can't believe it! I've done it. Physical pain is way too far from having an emotional pain. Physical pain can heal within a month or so. Emotional pain can turn your life upside down.

I went to the parlor about 8pm. I haven't taken my dinner. And I was kinda shaky bec I knew it's really painful. I was cold actually. I'm suppose to have it near my belly button but the guy said that my design was meant for the back. He's suggesting to do a lot of changes on the design but i prefer not to. Because every inch of the design means something to me. So I had it. As the artist started the tattoo, I thought it was not that painful. It was irritating bec of the noise, though. But when he did stop for a minute, it was then that I felt the pain. I almost call my bebi (btw, he doesnt know it yet) but thought for a minute not to do so. It took us an hour to do it and I feel like it's burning my skin. I kinda feel proud about myself, though.

I created a poem before I had the tattoo... It explains the meaning of my design.
http://lairofeilrig.blogspot.com/2004/10/canvas.html
http://lairofeilrig.blogspot.com/2004/10/masterpiece.html

Canvas

each stroke of a brush
i feel my blood gush
drawing a thin line
carefully till its finegradually the image shows
depiction of life flows
treasures are neatly kept
with every single step

each side bears the waves of pain
every strike blazing like a flame
with the hands of God i stand still
helps me to endure and do not feel

engraved are letters of each gold
protect from anything as long as i can hold
with a white ink i stroke jaccr
epitomizing the purity of the heart

when the sun spread its rays and bring us light
ill prepare a day to do what will give me delight
a canvas to bear a masterpiece, a work of art
that forever will remain, be here in my heart

jaccr - my only reason for living.

Childish dream

do u realize how painful it is to care for somebody and never had the chance to show it to that person? how time is not on your side and is turning its back against you?no one is born to be a super hero. as much as i want to be on every living person that i care about, i just can't be at their side when they're in pain. i just can't. i have been assigned to take care of someone that is within my grasp and i know that is where i should focused my attention. i know that if i tried to extend my ability to what was beyond the things i can only do, it'll jst make things worst. no matter how sad i'll be for not doing anything and just sit here, i know it'll be best. sometimes the things u can't do were the ones that could make things easier and bearable. the pain that they have to endure helps them to be a better person. just as i have been. with the things ive done and the pain ive been through. without all of it, i won't know what kind of person i am now and i wont know what it is like to be hurt. like a child. to take their first step, they have to fall and they must know what could hurt them.

i guess now the only thing i need is something to cheer me up. something that could put back the rainbow in my sky. it'll be over and i wont realize it. i'll be fine. so is the person i cared so much about.

Where you'll be

to love that's so mysterious
to reasons some are oblivious
answers can't be found
meaning that are profound

feel the love, follow your heart
would it be still if it hurt
seek the remedy, cure the pain
some succeed, some are vain

cure your wounds, inflict venom to one
ur pain subsides, free to run
to someone, ur venom remains
creeping slowly through the veins

would it still be right?
to which you will fight?
the one that gives u delight
or the one that loves u inspite

sanity slowy ebbs away
renounce to this fray
silently u kneel to pray
to give you strength guide u all the way

Your love

every minute of the day
i pray fervently and say
this love i have if i may
forever it will stayu have show me great love
that i didnt deserve to have
my life is filled with rainbows
with its colorful shining rows

no matter how ur days are busy
when im in pain and sound too pushy
ur love gives me serenity
soothes my soul till eternity

Falling in love

falling in love is a mystery
how it happens, when it comes
why some loves grow
why some loves faillove must be taken
as an unfathomable gift
cannot be questioned
in its mysterious ways

love comes, love goes
when it leaves, it have to
reclaim not the love that is lost
accept it for what it was, move on

u cannot find answer
when there is none
there is no meaning
beyond love itself

love has its own time and season
its own reasons for coming and going
be glad that it came to live
for a moment in your life

Vessel

the stillness of the sea on a cold dark night
a boat slowly sinking is a dreadful sight
for a family of four screaming for help
with nobody coming for aid but myself

im not a ship that can convey all four
just a small vessel that can adequate two
ambivalent of the situation, i burst into tears
the need to save them all aggravate my fears

the silent sound of a whirling fan
wakes me up in the reverie that i had
with great relief, i sigh and pray
utmost thanks for my family is safe

in a vision too rapid with a minute or two
with a vivid delineation but profound value
i seek GOD's answer to this dream i had
and found solace with his promise of love

To see you go

pain is too much now that you're gone
i tried everything but it can't be undone
your memories, your scent wont leave me alone
time cannot erase all that we've shared as onepainful thing a life bestow
saying goodbye while still aglow
burning with desire and love enfold

my eyes are wet filled with tears
to see you go i cannot bear
mind is filled with questions to GOD
to have one more minute and i wont be sad

a minute is enough before you leave
to feel your face and make you believe
that i love you so much to the last minute

never renounce do wait for me
it may take awhile but i wont let u down
when my chores are through and my time has come
i'll be there never to leave your side

Exalted Love

i was astray when you pick me up
alone in a place where there is no light
heart and mind satiated with anger
body shaking with anxiety from danger

i was scared and was once blinded
you stood by me and keep me guided
imperfection enfolds my entire soul
you held my hand lifted me up from the hole

i was dejected trapped in a predicament
you listen intently only you can comprehend
place i live in mould me into depression
you came along infuse me with compassion

my life now shines like a rainbow
vivid colors your love endow
hold my hand and leave me never
serenity besiege me just be there forever

Toffee

first time we met
how can i forget
my heart is thumping
i can hear it beating

your eyes twinkle
as u gaze into mine
you melt my heart
as u tilt your head

i love the way you move
your smell and your embrace
the way u lay down beside me
stretching your body

fur surrounds you
makes me sneeze but that's ok
coz your sweetness ease away
and make me forget about it

to some you are just a pet
to me you are remarkable
for you bring joy and happiness
to them that is so dear to me

The old fashion way

Is it being selfish dreaming of something to happen that you've been thinking since you were a kid? is it impractical to at least have a quarter of what was perfectly formed in your mind for quite some time?

raised by life's simplicity, i never craved for things to happen in my life to be at its best. but i do think that at least a bite from a piece of cake is not so much to ask. living in a modern world, my mindset still lies on the conventional way. i still believe in courting, proposing, marriage, flowers, love, fairytale's living happily ever after and pms. i still believe in the old fashioned way of asking for the parents approval before getting married or when courting. things that no matter how punk, rock, alternative, skirts, plunging necklines, drugs and satc crowded the city where i live in, my heart still desires for a few things that's done in a conservative manner.

being in a relationship for 6 years is way too long that some think the fruit is ready to be taken off from it's branches. friends, relatives and some just an acquaintance, all are just waiting for the "announcement". i am one of them. i, too, was eager to know what was at the end of the rope. i wasn't hoping for a vera wang dress or expensive kind of wedding. i love the simplicity of life. having small weddings and gatherings doesn't matter to me. the solemnity of celebrating it is what matters to me. this has been my dream since i was a kid. the only promise ive been keeping and intending to fullfill for my mom who's been planning it since the day i was born. and to some, they wait for the right guy or their prince charming to come. for me, i am just waiting for the limo to arrive. i think the waiting will be over if GOD permits. for now, i'll just enjoy what single life is.

Linger

sitting here all alone
i thought of what we had
memories that are priceless
and can't be compared to something

im not asking for anything
coz i know im not giving any
to me you are perfect
the epitome of one's true love

my life has seen the end of the rainbow
and it's all because of you
for nothing completes me but you

but i can't help but wonder
to where this will lead us to
were u still not sure of me?
or is it just not the right time?

little by little i fret
in time you will decide
my waiting could be in vain
never will i regret

for this love is eternal
and i'll be yours forever