Being sad

Not feeling well.
Need time to take things and absorb them lightly.
Good things dont last.
Goodbye's make you cry.
I am sad.
I felt no hint of bliss.
Craving for sleep.
Sleep takes you anywhere but where u are at the moment.
I'll miss the everyday "ate" and fun and crazy things we do.
Food trip. Chocolates. Sodas. Movies.
I'll miss you, kendz. =(

Current mood: Uber sad :~(

Ouch

the wound u have keeps on hurting and there is nothing else for you to soothe the pain but to sit and wait and be numb until it subsides. until you get over it and then pick up where u stand and then move on. you know that it'll heal soon. but what if the strength you have won't hold up to that intensity of anguish? just a thought...

Heart Attack

I saw my friend's nick online just weeks ago and sent her a message.

ME: "Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Mustaaaaaaaaa?"
HER: "Helloooooooooo! Miss you na bruha! Ako eto broke. Broke - financially and emotionally. Hahaha ang drama kaagad noh? Ikaw musta?"
ME: "Haha gagah! Im ok. Still trying to do my best to enjoy life hehehe. What's with the broken tsutsu?"

And in 30 minutes she had told me what that BROKE was all about. it seems like yesterday when both of them found themselves attracted to one another. But it's been a year. It's been that long that they have been pretending that nothing happen, that everything is normal just the way it was, that admittingly it was there once but not this time. I guess no one knew that blurting out what you feel is not something you can get back and hide again so that no one else will get hurt.

Did you ever believe that saying that when you love or felt something for someone it is just right to let the person know no matter what detriments it may bring? Maybe for some people it works perfectly but it never applies to everyone. And they were one of those latter. She said she just misses him. She miss talking to someone who can understands her and make her smile amidst of the little storms in her life. "I feel your pain, bru", I know that because I know how it feels. "You'll get by", i told her as i i always do to my friends enduring such 'heart attack' when i felt like there's nothing better for me to soothe their pain. "I know", she said, and we bid goodbye.

*a msg from her to you if you happen to stumble upon this: she misses you and she felt jealous sometimes when you're fooling with other girls but she said she dont have the right. she misses you like crazy. i ask for your name but she said you'll know it the moment u read it. take care and i hope u know you matters to her.

Poignant

heart's crushed
when you speak
amidst of sobs
unending mourn

i look up the sky i see rain
when will it stop? when will it end?
drenched and bushed rest i seek
serene mind harder to reach

i linger till the rain ends
each chapter never shines
this path i took always dim

Eilrig's Return

Today is my official "comeback" day. I've dozed off for a month and been neglecting my blog for a while. Well, nothing much happens except for the big changes. Been busy packing and unpacking all our stuff since we moved to a new place not far from where we used to stay. I didn't realize how much stuff we have and how much trash we've been keeping for years. Exhausting but now it's ok at least half of it. And I can see now the real beauty of the place hehehe. Good thing Annie and her hubby's still here to help us. The past few weeks that we all shared together was something that I can never forget. Today at 6.30 am we saw them off and bid goodbye. Saddest thing for me but knowing that I can still see Annie few weeks from now still makes me feel that she's not that far yet till she moved to LA. Goodbye time once again. Have to be tough, gurl. And then from the airport I snatched 30 minutes sleep and then kendz and I went to Immigration to plead for at least another week so she can at least make it to bebikoh's bday. It's very stressful. As much as I want her to stay, things happen as if they were oppose to what I wanted. But I leave it all up to GOD. I know HE got better things for my sister. So, after talking to the immigration officer who happens to be so strict with the rules, after all the pleading, we at least somehow convince him to give her at least additional one more week IF we can provide a confirm ticket. No problem, officer! I know that It'll be hard for my sister bec she's very emotional, i just hope that she'll take it lightly. At least she can see our family now after 3 long months. Three long months, huh? It feels like its only been a week. Whew! Days fly by so fast, really. Wow a lot of things are happenning that's making me sad. It's true that when it rains it pours. Only to me they were'nt a good thing.

What now?

i believe now the saying how you'll miss someone when they're gone. i dont want to entertain the thought. it might mean something or not, important thing is im missing someone. im facing an insignificant quandary at the moment and im longing to talk to someone when no one is there and the first person you thought about is this someone. sad isnt it? its like grasping for something that you can't hold on to. and the gratification pays only when you're able to see that someone, even if the veracity of it all is that this person won't be able to complete the bliss you're longing to have. *deep sigh* i guess that's what life is all about. it's what it should be. *xav's favorite quote* life is better but not perfect.

How does it feel

have u ever wondered
what it feels like
to be somebody else but yourself?
to feel the touch of your own hands,
to hear your own voice when you're being sweet,
to feel the warmth of your own embrace,
to feel the gaze of your own eyes
to see the flaws and beauty of your being
to smell the sweet scent of your own perfume
to feel the touch of your own hair
to know the effect of your own presence
to feel the candour of your own sympathy

i wonder if i can do all these things
so i can see & change whatever it is that's missing
to give bliss to somebody deserving
and be perfect for that person im loving

Change

"everyday of my life i watched him sleep
serenity fills me seeing him doze so deep
the manly scent of his perfume
the warmth he brings when he's beside me
some days i asked what's inside those dreams
what he always think and what he longed to have
what if it's someone else but me?
i got sad and bow my head down
and there i hear the beating of his heart
i close my eyes and listen to the beat
and then i smile and drift to sleep"

how do u fall in love so much to someone and not dreading the possibility of getting hurt? having that feeling of certainty in "forever" and doing things without the shadow of fear are one of life's leisures that some people like me can't seem to afford no matter what i do. the apprehension of the word "CHANGE" devours my sanity. i dont want any changes. i want things to stay the way they are. maybe im just worrying too much about the future that sometimes it situates me to that stage of pain where it's not even happening yet. im very thankful to God that i still feel the bliss with what's going on in my life. and that i feel great love from someone and sometimes i think its too much that i dont even deserve it. so you see, this is one reason why i have these fears. but don't worry, i know very well that i just have to live my life to the fullest and enjoy what's in front of me so that in the times of change, i'll never know the meaning of regrets. this is just a passing time of my existence. some days i dont feel it creeping into my system and some days it will. but this is something that always caught us off guard... unprepared... and we will never be... bec we never know how to let go of something so special without getting hurt.

Washing away the bitterness

There may be times when we become so miserable and ask ourselves why God allows us to experience unbearable pain. God doesn't delight in our misery. Pain is God's way of purifying us and making us better persons. And when he allows us to experience it, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love us.

Anna,you may have been destined to love the man who cannot love you back, but that doesn't mean that life ends here. You fell in love with a man who cannot be yours, but that doesn't mean there is no one who can be. You have loved and hurt badly, but that doesn't mean the pain will never pass.

Everything that happens to us happens for a reason, and as the saying goes, sometimes the person who makes us happy is the same person who can hurt us and make us cry. Anna, it is perfectly alright to feel sorry for losing him, but you cannot be sorry all your life. It is okay to cry yourself to sleep at night, but you cannot shed your tears for him forever. You cannot cry every night all your life. It is okay to think of him when you wake up in the morning, but you cannot let him take control
of your thoughts forever.

I guess you have been sorry long enough. You have shown so much regret already. It's over, Anna. You have to accept that there could never be any "you and I" anymore. He is gone and has moved on with his life. You have to realize that you should not allow yourself to be left behind following his shadow. You have to move on and find your own happiness, even if it means not being with him.

Let us always remember that love isn't love it if doesn't hurt. And it is better
to be hurt by love than not to be hurt because we were too afraid to love. The only way to move on is to accept reality. And it will help if you let the pain love has brought you make you a stronger person, and let the tears that you cried wash away the bitterness and misery in your heart.

source: Joe D' Mango, lovenotes

Waiting for a Sign

I know how much it hurts when the people we love decide to throw us out of their lives. It is so painful sometimes that we just want to die. But no matter how battered our feelings and our dignity have become, that does not justify any act of self-inflicted pain or worse, suicide.

Most people realize that for others to learn to love them, they would have to learn to love themselves first. But, there are some who realize this too late. People take into their hands the verdict of life and hastily end it because someone they sincerely loved had purposely hurt them. That doesn't prove anything. It doesn't really make a difference for those who don't care about us. We just become helpless victims of our own crimes.

You have cried enough. Don't waste your tears anymore. The people you are shedding them for don't deserve it. Be strong and don't allow failure to take away your hope of finding happiness in your life. There is a reason why God allows these things to happen. They may be painful but they are all meant to make us stronger and better persons. There is life even after several failed relationships. There is hope even if all our efforts in finding the right person have failed. Be strong in your faith because good things come to those who believe and those who strive to be happy in spite of the pain they keep in their hearts.

- Joe D' Mango's Lovenotes

Pros and Cons

When im in distress, I try to weigh the pros and cons of the reasons of why im still here on earth....

Blessings to thank for:
1. A Best friend who loves me and cares about me so much.
2. My Boyfriend who's my best friend.
3. My sister kendz who took good care of me when i almost fainted having No. 1 of my negative lists.
4. I still have a job that pays off my debts, sustain my family's needs and mine too.
5. I eat whenever and whatever i feel like to.


Things that make me cry:
1. My "monthly monster pain" that never seems to go away.
2. People I thought my friends.
3. Unvarying everyday work life.
4. A promise that I havent done yet.
5. Loosing my "social life" bit by bit.
6. Loosing the only friend I have right now in two weeks time.
7. Sis not finding a job yet.
8. The negative vibes of my living outweighing the positive.

It doesnt make me any more sense listing these things, doesn't it? But it sure does somehow lightens up the heavy thing on my chest. And maybe someday I'll just laugh all about it.

Weekend of Mine

Weekend of Mine

My weekend's been exhausting and tiring but fun. Friday night started with that Interview, waking up early the next morning at 11.30 am *that's early for me on a weekend, fyi*, with the great adobo aroma bebikoh prepared for us. After a few minutes rest, I brazen out the bundles of rubbish I once called "our things". When you're moving into a new place, you never realize how smokey mountain can be just a piece of mound compared to what you have acquired for the past 2 years. I have few boxes set aside, one going to Manila, one to the garbage (i just realized how long i've been keeping that junks), one "my-trash-can-be-other-ppls-treasure" box, and that heap of magazines just sitting around somewhere (if im home, those bote-dyaryo-garapa kidz will vote me as their best customer) were now neatly stacked and ready to hit Auntie's recycled things. I'm so not going to buy magazines anymore. By 4 pm, annie, patrick, bebikoh and me went to Orchard. Guys had their hair cut and we had halo-halo while waiting for them which turned out to be the perfect merienda festival when they arrive. They bought turon, pansit palabok, pansit malabon, halo-halo, beer, and chicharong bulaklak. Were not hungry hehehe. Watched Batman Begins at Cathay cinema, then dinner at Kopitiam in Orchard.

Woke up sunday, still a bit early, prepared munggo and fried tilapia for lunch, watched Magnifico then mass and head home. Whew, it was tiring.

Monday morning, I was crying in pain, again. And spend my entire morning in bed, do household chores in the afternoon and went to see my doctor to get my MC. And of all the time I spent at home, it certainly knows when to hit me. It was really painful, which I later realized that we never had a decent lunch, so my ulcer and dysmynorrhea suddenly had this union thing of making me really really sick. The agony of it all, makes me think of taking my own life just to flee from that great pain. Sis, GOD Bless her, took good care of her whiny sister by applying "katinko" all over my tummy. From all that crying which i think exhausted me made me sleep for 3 hours flat. I was thinking of going back to that gyne again. Sigh!

Korean Drama

Due to the influence of certain peers, I have found myself getting addicted to the korean drama movies. My first, "The Sassy Girl", followed by "Windstruck", "The Classic" and nos of titles some I can't remember. Just recently I found myself watching "My Boyfriend is Type B" in a movie house which is very unusual for me but I find it very amusing, though. It was then followed by "100 Days with Mr. Arrogant" and now I've found a reason to sleep very late at night watching "Lovers in Paris". *Tenchu mami s and dadi m* Uber-Kilig, if I must say. Imagine two wonderful guys falling in love with you, not that I enjoy having that certain dilemma of course, but really, this brings "kilig" moments. The stars were not that good looking actually maybe that's the reason why it looks more realistic hehehe. I'm on my 3rd CD now and hoping to catch up with my sister (she's on her 5th, btw), which i think is very impossible.

"Girls often dreams about this where she feels like a withered flower surrounded by all these fabulous famous people and out of nowhere this prince on a white horse calls her name, holds her shoulder and gently touches her hair and walk her home... but that is too perfect..." - Tae-Young, LiP

Interview

I had a job interview last night after a very long time. It was an informal interview since they were Mr. A's friends from the office. It was a first experience for me having someone i know, partied few times, and had drinks with, interviewed me. Plus the fact that the ambiance is inside a bar, they were asking me questions in front of a jug of beer. In as much as I want to stay calm, my body seem to shake and felt the cold of the air conditioned room when they started asking me questions about what I do. I guzzle the beer in front of me and answered their queries. There were times that I feel like I have not explained much but I think I have gained the confidence that I much needed. Even if I may not get that job that I really need, I know that there's no reason for me to be negative about it. I have somehow realized that I don't need to make an impression that Im good at something Im not. I just told them what I usually do in the office (well except for tsating hehe), and impressed on them that my knowledge may not be that extensive due to the lack of resources and limited access that Ive been given from where i work, I am one person who's willing to to learn more. The "interview" started at 7pm and Mr. A joined us by 9pm, went home around 11 and by the time I reached home, I'm already tipsy because of that vodka drink I had. That vodka incident was funny, bec I was trying to say no after 3 glasses of beer by saying that Im no beer drinker.

Him1: But you always go out partying wat.
Me: Oh, I always drink vodka. Im not much into beers.

Well, stupid me! And so he ordered another jug of beer for them (one singaporean and one swiss interviewing me that night) and a vodka for me!!! Shucks, I did tried to say no but he insist. After few sips, I think he notice I didn't like drinking it pure, so he kindly asks me not to drink it if it's too strong for me. Thank God. *Maybe I should have said tequila instead* Anyway, that's how my "interview" goes. I really did want to improve what I learn and earn more hehe, but I leave it all to God. He knows better what's best for me and my family.

And before I had this interview, honestly, I did think of making up an excuse that Im sick or something, but there are people who believe in me as much as I do in myself. Thank you friends. Thank you Mr. A. Thank you sis.

Annie

*reminder: this will take much of your time if you're planning to read this.

The friend that Ive known, partied with, laugh with, shared stories about love, life, fashion, who's crazy about my sopas, will be saying adieu in few days time. Sad as I may be, i still feel ecstatic of how her life had changed from better to best.

REMINISCIN'
At this time a year ago, we have done nothing but partying, and going to bars, friend's abode, sipping wine, puffing cigs, travelling, shopping, and talking about her ex's and my crushes and what's in and out in fashion. We had countless dinners having fun, no dull moments. We always make fun of "my getting married" issue. We never talk about her, or Myla's, or Thess' settling down this year. We talked about serious matters too, but we never let it get in our way of having fun.


THE STORY
And then she met Mr. ultra-mega-hyper-in-a-good-way Patrick. Back from her vacation in the US, she called me.

Her: "Mars, punta ka dito. Andito na mga pasalubong ko sayo."
Me: "Hi!!!! Welcome back! Cge I'll drop by tonight. "
Her: "Ok See yah!"
Me: "C u."

I was sure that aside from just being excited on telling me how her vacation has been, I knew right there and then that she got more interesting to tell me. So I went that night. Blah blah's and then...

Her: "I'm getting married!"
Me: "What? With whom? Di nga? Are you... I mean, wow, uhmmm, orayt! Yay!"

What? I am speechless! Thunderstruck as I may have been, but I was euphoric, very very very much happy for her. But as soon as I regained my equanimity (hey, don't whine. here's where I can only use the big words ive read from the piles of books i have at home), with a wide smile on my face, I asked her to tell the story. Yeah of course, I asked questions too. Lots of it. How they met, who is he, how everything happens. Being a friend, I asked for details. Don't get me wrong, but at first I thought it was all coming too fast. That she's just being impulsive. I am no cynic about love, believe me, I am a big fan of it as a matter of fact, but I know my friend so much. So I asked...

Me: "Buntis ka ba?" *which i later on realized that's it's impossible for you to know that in less than a month's time.*
Her: "Hahahaha sira! Lika panoorin mo tong ginawa nyang cd for me"

And so we watched. The pictures from her vacation and the proposal. I cried. Im sorry but I was touched by everything. I don't know the guy enough for me to say that she had found what she truly deserve. But I still told her that she had. She deserves the best.


THE PROPOSAL
Lemme tell you little sumtin about the proposal. She was on her way back to Singapore from her vacation. While Patrick's niece is filming the entire dramatic scene, few minutes before she board the plane, he knelt down, took her hands, said his lines and then pop the question! Oh, shoot, it was more romantic watching the real thing really than me telling you about it.


MEETING THE GUY
Come february, her birthday, her last singapore birthday, party at her place. Few drinks, invitees that some I've only know from the parties we had, few common friends, and then she introduced me and bebikoh to her fiance. We had a blast that night. We went to Insomnia afterwards. Did it ever occurred to you that the saying "First impression lasts" is not true after all? Well, he had somehow embed on me at first that he was a typical fil-am guy. A latino style, conceited, too-much-air-there, kind of a guy, if you know what I mean. He was really funny, and very sweet to her but I still thought he was arrogant. And when they invited us for breakfast the morning after, I suddenly dreaded of not going there, bec I dont want to hurt my friend, not that my opinion matters to her. Anyway, I know that I cant do that to her, so we went there. The meet-ups became regular and now he's back again to be with my friend until she got her visa. And now, as I recall those firt impressions, i can't help but smile. She really have found the best as he had found the best in her. They deserve to be with each other. He's very ultra mega hyper which seems to me and everyone around him find it very amusing and matches my friend's manner being "mababaw ang kaligayahan" she is.

Soon it will be "saying goodbye" time. I have done this a lot of times to my friends who had to go to a direction different from what we used to have, but none of it makes it easier for me and prepares me for the next. No matter how I tried to be ok with it,I still can't face the fact that another friend is leaving - for good. Im just glad im living in the era of new technologies - Emails,Yahoo Messenger, phones. So now, im here, pretending to be working, facing the only stable in my 5 years here - my monitor who's my solitary viewer seeing the melancholy on my face.

Well, to you annie, the fun things we shared wil never be forgotten. I wish you, Mrs. Simon, *how do you like that, huh?*, and Patrick, and Joshua Ray, all the strength, fun filled, full of love in this new chapter of your life as one. Luv yah... Really crossing my finger to see you again in 2007, either at your wedding or at mine. Yeyyyyyy. Take care always and let's keep in touch. =) You're one friend that I'll never get tired of remembering.

Bittersweet Memories

"There are times when no matter how much we show our love and give so much of ourselves to someone, we still cannot find enough reason why he or she doesn't seem to care about us."

"When we start assessing the value of someone, quantifying and qualifying the kind of person he or she is, we begin to lose grasp of the real essence of love. Real love doesn't look at reasons to love. When we truly love a person, we just love that person regardless of what he or she can or cannot give us back. When we start to have reasons for loving someone, then we're bound to fall out of love when we lose these reasons. It has been said that the greatest measure of love is its ability to continue loving even when we cannot find a reason to love anymore. That is the real essence of love. When we can think of one reason not to love a person, then we can't be capable of truly loving because love doesn't keep a scale of what it can gain from a relationship. Real love is unselfish."

"You are who you are and you should be loved not for what someone wants you to be but for who you truly are."

"Let your bittersweet memories remind you of how much you have loved, but let it also remind you how much more beautiful it would be if that love is shared with someone who will accept you for who you are, and love you not for what you can become but what he becomes because of you."

Dance with my father

Dance with my Father - Luther Vandross

back when i was a child
before life removed all the innocence
my father would lift me high
and dance with my mother and me and then
spin me around till i fell asleep
then up the stairs he would carry me
and i knew for sure i was loved

if i could get another chance
another walk another dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
how i'd love love love to dance with my father again

when i and my mother would disagree
to get my way i would run from her to him
he make me laugh just to comfort me
then finally make me do just what my mama said
later that night when i was asleep
he left a dollar under my sheet
never dream that he would be gone from me

if i could steal one final glance
one final step one final dance with him
ill play a song that would never ever end
coz id love love love to dance with my father again

sometimes id listen outside her door
and i hear how my mama would cry for him
i pray for her even more than me

i know im praying for much too much
but cld u send back the only man she'd love
i know u dont do it usually
but dear Lord she's dying to dance with my father again

every night i fall asleep
and this is all i ever dream


*sometimes i wander to a place i only know where everything i want and needed is there... where its just enough for me and the people i love to call it a perfect world... where i could have a dance with my father... where pain and anguish doesnt exist... where tears were only shed because of so much joy ... *

Lost

a bouyant persona
that's who i am
nowhere to run to
adrift in the wilds

a glimpse of light
is the only guide
trying not to stumble
amidst of the rubble

a quandary i must face
vague of decisions
tattered compassion
trapped in oblivion

ahh, paradox of life
one cannot fathom
i seek the gist
but im simply lost

Habedey, Daddy

It's been years since I last uttered these words and bought a lovely present for you. Actually, it's been years since we talked and called you Daddy. But I know it's no time for sentiments. Although, I felt obliged to greet you, I couldn't make myself do it. I may regret it for not doing it, but i'll know it when its time. And it will come... soon. Always know that in my heart, "daddy's little girl" has never renounce on you. The nostalgic feeling has always been here. I love you, daddy and happy birthday. May God give you if not the best of everything but a healthy life. God Bless always.

When the best isnt good enough

"Acceptance is the first step to moving on but I have always believed that we can never forget the person we love. Your love is the chain that keeps you bound to your past and for as long as that love remains silently burning in your heart you will never forget the person that feeds that flame."

"Acceptance will put one foot forward on the road to recovery, but the only way to move on completely is to get the other foot out from the love that binds your heart to him. Peace is in knowing that you are breathing the fresh air of the present without being tainted by the stale memories of the past. Every time you cry whenever you remember him adds one glowing ember to the flame in your heart. Every time you become sad when you think of your happy moments together blows more air to that burning fire. As long as there is that fiery emotion burning inside your heart, you will never be at peace with yourself."

"For most of us, there will always be a past that will remind us of beautiful memories that we wish would come back to life. But the difference between those who have found real happiness and those who are tirelessly searching for it lies in their ability to stop living in their past and wishing for the things that could have been. Happy people are those who know how to accept the verdict of the past and forgive themselves for being part of it."

"When we have loved and failed, we have to grieve for a while and then learn to stop loving that person. Only when we are able to do that can we open our hearts anew and learn to love again without having to be burdened by the guilt and regrets of the past."

- excerpt from Joe D' Mango's labnowts